learning to fly
Friday, January 13
Friday 13 jan
It was a lovely day today. I couldnt stop trying to do a madison to our old school music today, along with my high spirits in the windy warm weather. Enjoying a cider at the end of a hard days slog.
Thursday, January 12
11 january
Enjoyed my own slice of melbourne here in auckland tonight. After a caprienha and a singapore sling go visit our new downtown super mini market. Just like coles on elizabeth st. Feeling mighty content.
Tuesday, January 10
10january
Im using the blogger app for my ipad,god its useless!
Saw sherlock holmes 'a game of shadows' last night with babtiste, rafaellas boyfriend. Just keeping him company while she is visiting her sick grandfather in the north of france.
Thats right. My best friend is french.
She helped me like insanely so much.
Without her i wouldnt be off the big anti-D's. Shes an angel, literally. What can you expect when shes named after one of the top three?
I should go and see irina, havent gone anywhere with her for so long. Something to enjoy in this overcast and rainy auckland summer weather....
Saw sherlock holmes 'a game of shadows' last night with babtiste, rafaellas boyfriend. Just keeping him company while she is visiting her sick grandfather in the north of france.
Thats right. My best friend is french.
She helped me like insanely so much.
Without her i wouldnt be off the big anti-D's. Shes an angel, literally. What can you expect when shes named after one of the top three?
I should go and see irina, havent gone anywhere with her for so long. Something to enjoy in this overcast and rainy auckland summer weather....
Tuesday, August 23
26 July
Notes from the past few days.
I went to a party with Michelle, a few hours after we were in the city dancing at 1885 with the French crew - Bruno and Giam's friends.
Although I've been hating on French people heaps lately, it feels good to be around them. Chatting. Not supre great but good. I'll stop being anti-French now. (try to)
I had on my left ring finger 2 rings that said 'love' and 'hope'.
I lost them because they slipped off my finger. I got 'love' back, but lost 'hope'.
At least i still have 'beleive'.
How Ironic.
Today I found a note I wrote for Ben "april 26 2011. the first 25 years are over. i am so looking forward to spending the next 25+ years with you ben"
I lost 'hope', but why did i find 'love' when i dont 'beleive'... irony..
Watched Blue Valentine. Lots of things that resembled me and Ben. Didnt cry. just felt miffed.
amy winehouse is dead (R.I.P).
I dont know why, but i always liked the song 'you know that im no good'. Do i love boosting my own negativity?
I replied to Ben's email. there isnt much use.
Talked to sheena about breaking up and that moving on is the best way. maby later on when they have grown they might want to get back together and be stronger? she listened to all i said and is with her boyfriend again. can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink...
watched 38 quai des orvetes ? Funny. the dead wifes name is Camille...
Working on myself everyday. Trying to be stronger. Working on life coaching and CBT therapies.
Immersing myself in things I love. Findout what if is I love and writing it down. Pursuing what Im curious about. Making myself ready for Melbourne again. And when I'm done there I'm going travelling again.
I can change opinions, its flexibility.
I'll get over you still.
I feel like I'm strugging... It takes 6 months right?
I went to a party with Michelle, a few hours after we were in the city dancing at 1885 with the French crew - Bruno and Giam's friends.
Although I've been hating on French people heaps lately, it feels good to be around them. Chatting. Not supre great but good. I'll stop being anti-French now. (try to)
I had on my left ring finger 2 rings that said 'love' and 'hope'.
I lost them because they slipped off my finger. I got 'love' back, but lost 'hope'.
At least i still have 'beleive'.
How Ironic.
Today I found a note I wrote for Ben "april 26 2011. the first 25 years are over. i am so looking forward to spending the next 25+ years with you ben"
I lost 'hope', but why did i find 'love' when i dont 'beleive'... irony..
Watched Blue Valentine. Lots of things that resembled me and Ben. Didnt cry. just felt miffed.
amy winehouse is dead (R.I.P).
I dont know why, but i always liked the song 'you know that im no good'. Do i love boosting my own negativity?
I replied to Ben's email. there isnt much use.
Talked to sheena about breaking up and that moving on is the best way. maby later on when they have grown they might want to get back together and be stronger? she listened to all i said and is with her boyfriend again. can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink...
watched 38 quai des orvetes ? Funny. the dead wifes name is Camille...
Working on myself everyday. Trying to be stronger. Working on life coaching and CBT therapies.
Immersing myself in things I love. Findout what if is I love and writing it down. Pursuing what Im curious about. Making myself ready for Melbourne again. And when I'm done there I'm going travelling again.
I can change opinions, its flexibility.
I'll get over you still.
I feel like I'm strugging... It takes 6 months right?
21 July
A day or so ago i checked our australian bank account. I still have $246AUD left. I can give ben some of that, to help with the shipping.
One of the other accounts strangely has money in it.
Ben's been using it.
He's in Perth. I can actually see what he's been up to recently. God damn it.
I replied to his email by asking for a quote so I can help send it. I can receive it at the post office. He emailed back asking if he can send it through the post office? And that I have tow bags to receive. I forgot about the purple bag.
Well, I haven't replied yet.
Im going to take my time to word it well.
After I receive it back, I have no need to contact him ever again.
I feel, well, distant.
Like he is just a person.
Not a lover I had. Someone I ran my feelings for deeply. But there is a ghost of us still there.
Sadly.
This morning dreamt of him. With his hair dyed black. It was hideous.
I remembered grabbing his hand and dragging him into my old bedroom in Levin, I had to talk to him. I turned to close the door and when i turned back he had run away.
I was thinking about chasing him, but. It wasnt worth it.
He's too far gone.
I couldnt sleep properly after that.
Woke up later after CJ left, tried to do some work on drawings. Too weak, i have a cold. Its raining and windy again.
Seeing his email today I realised Im too happy to see them. He ends the email with 'take good care of your self'.
I king of have to hold back. I know he wont take me back anyway. Thats just something that jerk says so he doesnt feel bad. So he can keep friendly with his exes.
By the sounds of it he goes back to exes, like Camille.
The girl he would have been with if she didn't die.
Beautiful French Camille.
Who could have opened his heart, and instead haunts his consciousness.
I'm jealous of the dead?
Sure, because I'd rather swap than live in this pain.
God Damn. I was doing well at not getting myself down.
I met Ness Rachel and Shane last night. Its fantastic. i was sick and had a hot toddy. I loved talking about our many farewell drinks. But most of them had me and Ben together at those times. sad.
But, fun times.
It was somewhere around there that i declared to Ben that i want to be with him and I'll follow him anywhere.
I looked into his face sternly. I meant it, heart and soul.
But my head had plans to screw that up. Who knows what could have happned if I knew that would happen.
I'm sure he's used to letting chicks go. He had lots of girlfriends.
What am I? just one more. Guess that's what it boils down to.
If I think of it that way, doesnt it make it easier to let him go? The one that got away, rejected me.
Didnt want me.
One of the other accounts strangely has money in it.
Ben's been using it.
He's in Perth. I can actually see what he's been up to recently. God damn it.
I replied to his email by asking for a quote so I can help send it. I can receive it at the post office. He emailed back asking if he can send it through the post office? And that I have tow bags to receive. I forgot about the purple bag.
Well, I haven't replied yet.
Im going to take my time to word it well.
After I receive it back, I have no need to contact him ever again.
I feel, well, distant.
Like he is just a person.
Not a lover I had. Someone I ran my feelings for deeply. But there is a ghost of us still there.
Sadly.
This morning dreamt of him. With his hair dyed black. It was hideous.
I remembered grabbing his hand and dragging him into my old bedroom in Levin, I had to talk to him. I turned to close the door and when i turned back he had run away.
I was thinking about chasing him, but. It wasnt worth it.
He's too far gone.
I couldnt sleep properly after that.
Woke up later after CJ left, tried to do some work on drawings. Too weak, i have a cold. Its raining and windy again.
Seeing his email today I realised Im too happy to see them. He ends the email with 'take good care of your self'.
I king of have to hold back. I know he wont take me back anyway. Thats just something that jerk says so he doesnt feel bad. So he can keep friendly with his exes.
By the sounds of it he goes back to exes, like Camille.
The girl he would have been with if she didn't die.
Beautiful French Camille.
Who could have opened his heart, and instead haunts his consciousness.
I'm jealous of the dead?
Sure, because I'd rather swap than live in this pain.
God Damn. I was doing well at not getting myself down.
I met Ness Rachel and Shane last night. Its fantastic. i was sick and had a hot toddy. I loved talking about our many farewell drinks. But most of them had me and Ben together at those times. sad.
But, fun times.
It was somewhere around there that i declared to Ben that i want to be with him and I'll follow him anywhere.
I looked into his face sternly. I meant it, heart and soul.
But my head had plans to screw that up. Who knows what could have happned if I knew that would happen.
I'm sure he's used to letting chicks go. He had lots of girlfriends.
What am I? just one more. Guess that's what it boils down to.
If I think of it that way, doesnt it make it easier to let him go? The one that got away, rejected me.
Didnt want me.
18 July
But it wont get me nowhere if I drown myself in hope.
Its nice not to be talking to him angry. Even laughing a little.
I still feel. He let me down.
I let him down too.
But there's something in his behavior when around others that killed my trust. Especially Marie.
I dont know what they did with eachother, but they can have it.
I dont need my stupid heart, and I dont need its suspicions.
A guy, that can make me feel so rejected around a certain girl.
He's not the one for me.
Its nice not to be talking to him angry. Even laughing a little.
I still feel. He let me down.
I let him down too.
But there's something in his behavior when around others that killed my trust. Especially Marie.
I dont know what they did with eachother, but they can have it.
I dont need my stupid heart, and I dont need its suspicions.
A guy, that can make me feel so rejected around a certain girl.
He's not the one for me.
17 July
Ben has responded to my email. the first email he sent was asking what i want to do with the joint bank account and my stuff. i replied that i dont hate his family but nice to know they hate me - he upset me not them.
to close the account and send the bag back.
he didnt reply so i sent him another email titled "on a lighter note"
if he throws out my things inc HDD - thanks for the identity theft, and home made porn video...
of course that email pissed him off enough to to reply angrily that he doesnt know why i think his family hate me, and that i think he's a dumb-ass for wanting to throw my stuff out.
but then i had my second councilling session.
and had calmed down somewhat.
i told him about riri telling me what she heard from Tony and mary. I thanked him for holding my belongings. Asked if i could have the scarves back, because i love those scarves, from his lovely mother. Francois was sweet. And thanked him, for pushing me into therapy. I am greatful to be able to do this. I need it so much.
I wanted to say more. But. We are over, and I'll admit defeat on us.
I cant ask for him back
I dont deserve him back.
So I ended it with simply 'I wish you all the best'... I guess I still had Adele still singing in my head with a line like that.
"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead..."
I can think of us, I'm sad but not confused anymore. I can say - who the hell was I? I dont recognise me.
the girl who admitted she wants to be alone, he walks off and punches the garage door while she carries on fighting off tears and feelings to do the shopping?
Regan - who the fuck are you?
Where did you go?
I got his reply today.
He feels what i heard was a mistake. How i feel for his mom and bro.
And us being in a pron hopefully to benefit... he got it!
he will send me the scarves when in France again.
Can I help send the luggage? Chichi and Felipe are pushing him. If i cant help then 'no worries'... He's happy for me to be safe and happy, glad i can see clear... take care.
It sounds so nice to read that.
to close the account and send the bag back.
he didnt reply so i sent him another email titled "on a lighter note"
if he throws out my things inc HDD - thanks for the identity theft, and home made porn video...
of course that email pissed him off enough to to reply angrily that he doesnt know why i think his family hate me, and that i think he's a dumb-ass for wanting to throw my stuff out.
but then i had my second councilling session.
and had calmed down somewhat.
i told him about riri telling me what she heard from Tony and mary. I thanked him for holding my belongings. Asked if i could have the scarves back, because i love those scarves, from his lovely mother. Francois was sweet. And thanked him, for pushing me into therapy. I am greatful to be able to do this. I need it so much.
I wanted to say more. But. We are over, and I'll admit defeat on us.
I cant ask for him back
I dont deserve him back.
So I ended it with simply 'I wish you all the best'... I guess I still had Adele still singing in my head with a line like that.
"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead..."
I can think of us, I'm sad but not confused anymore. I can say - who the hell was I? I dont recognise me.
the girl who admitted she wants to be alone, he walks off and punches the garage door while she carries on fighting off tears and feelings to do the shopping?
Regan - who the fuck are you?
Where did you go?
I got his reply today.
He feels what i heard was a mistake. How i feel for his mom and bro.
And us being in a pron hopefully to benefit... he got it!
he will send me the scarves when in France again.
Can I help send the luggage? Chichi and Felipe are pushing him. If i cant help then 'no worries'... He's happy for me to be safe and happy, glad i can see clear... take care.
It sounds so nice to read that.
Wednesday, July 20
16 July
yesterday got up early but still was late for the therapist. stupid rain. it was too heavy for me to run properly.
the session was very good.
i now have a tool to help sort out my brain.
i am composed of 4 interactions with my world.
the body - your health and energy
the mind - thought processes
feelings - emotions
behaviour - how i act
each of these are interconnected and affect each other.
so if i cant stop thinking about something (mind) then i need to distract it with running (body) or something else.
the most important part is recognising when im doing things i'd want to change or in a situation i dont want to be in.
Andrew also said 'what ever you decide t odo different make sure it is small, sustainable, and manageable.
not something grand that you cant always do/handle.
its something that i wish i had done before. why did Kristy become bi-polar and why did i see no harm in gonig with her when my first change at being treated was the next day?
why didnt i rebook it?
if i had done that i wouldnt have made so many mistakes like i did and i'd be happlily picking apples with ben now.
its time to let go
old friends who just use. old memories. old habits. old me.
im starting new. i have no choice. i must.
in a quiet moment i asked myself what am i thinking feeling body and behaviour.
its negative to think i dont care about smoking.
if im over ben, then i should be thinking about myself. not smoking inspite of him. in spite of no chance at the future i wanted.
smoking often makes me think of him.
what reason do i have to quit?
im just not that interested in it anymore. gets boring.
sometimes feel negative.
sometimes hard to breathe.
theres nothing good about it except for socialising and killing some time.
i could ealisly do it without...
the only reason i smoked was because i dont want to live. to get old (alone) but i still have to fight for my dream. still have to persue my talkents and improve. and somehow make a living off it.
the session was very good.
i now have a tool to help sort out my brain.
i am composed of 4 interactions with my world.
the body - your health and energy
the mind - thought processes
feelings - emotions
behaviour - how i act
each of these are interconnected and affect each other.
so if i cant stop thinking about something (mind) then i need to distract it with running (body) or something else.
the most important part is recognising when im doing things i'd want to change or in a situation i dont want to be in.
Andrew also said 'what ever you decide t odo different make sure it is small, sustainable, and manageable.
not something grand that you cant always do/handle.
its something that i wish i had done before. why did Kristy become bi-polar and why did i see no harm in gonig with her when my first change at being treated was the next day?
why didnt i rebook it?
if i had done that i wouldnt have made so many mistakes like i did and i'd be happlily picking apples with ben now.
its time to let go
old friends who just use. old memories. old habits. old me.
im starting new. i have no choice. i must.
in a quiet moment i asked myself what am i thinking feeling body and behaviour.
its negative to think i dont care about smoking.
if im over ben, then i should be thinking about myself. not smoking inspite of him. in spite of no chance at the future i wanted.
smoking often makes me think of him.
what reason do i have to quit?
im just not that interested in it anymore. gets boring.
sometimes feel negative.
sometimes hard to breathe.
theres nothing good about it except for socialising and killing some time.
i could ealisly do it without...
the only reason i smoked was because i dont want to live. to get old (alone) but i still have to fight for my dream. still have to persue my talkents and improve. and somehow make a living off it.
14 june (July)
progress made. the last two nights me and CJ have been reading together a life coaching book. its helping heaps. its good to not do it alone and she understands. she likes it too. shes my sister for sure.
i dont like smoking on the deck anymore. reminds me too much of us in the deck chairs facing each-ther like in a bathtub.
our summer of love... too easy to want to make love constantly when we had the house to ourselves.
meowing over the balcony when he crosses the street and watch as he leaves to make sure he's safe.
meowing down to him when i go down to let him in after work. huge hugs. telling him that i have depression and him vowing to make me happy. making him late for work. waking up to have sex to put us back to sleep exhausted.
drawing something i like.
fairy tail and cats and chibi's. well, i had practive, then tore it up.
have to work hard on it. to accomplish something.
finish something.
finishing, was never one of my strong points.
maby thats why i find it hard to do/start things. cant imagine how good its going to be in the end.
i dreamt about nanny and mom going to see some fortune teller, i cant fathom why nanny would go there.
she and the male fortune teller told me to go outside/look outside - its raining. Confused i saw a man next to a drip from the roof and heavy rain (i thought i had to get him an umbrella so i tried to get him a deck umbrella)
i looked at the sky and then i saw lots of large jumbo-jet planes. they looked like they were going to collide like they cant see eachother (through the clouds)
then a light plane crashed on the highway infront of me and i screamed and panicked and wanted to help the people (then the other planes crashed into the field behind me)
odd dream
dont understand it
shouldnt look into it
might have another nightmare
and no ben to comfort me,
when i wake up crying...
i dont like smoking on the deck anymore. reminds me too much of us in the deck chairs facing each-ther like in a bathtub.
our summer of love... too easy to want to make love constantly when we had the house to ourselves.
meowing over the balcony when he crosses the street and watch as he leaves to make sure he's safe.
meowing down to him when i go down to let him in after work. huge hugs. telling him that i have depression and him vowing to make me happy. making him late for work. waking up to have sex to put us back to sleep exhausted.
drawing something i like.
fairy tail and cats and chibi's. well, i had practive, then tore it up.
have to work hard on it. to accomplish something.
finish something.
finishing, was never one of my strong points.
maby thats why i find it hard to do/start things. cant imagine how good its going to be in the end.
i dreamt about nanny and mom going to see some fortune teller, i cant fathom why nanny would go there.
she and the male fortune teller told me to go outside/look outside - its raining. Confused i saw a man next to a drip from the roof and heavy rain (i thought i had to get him an umbrella so i tried to get him a deck umbrella)
i looked at the sky and then i saw lots of large jumbo-jet planes. they looked like they were going to collide like they cant see eachother (through the clouds)
then a light plane crashed on the highway infront of me and i screamed and panicked and wanted to help the people (then the other planes crashed into the field behind me)
odd dream
dont understand it
shouldnt look into it
might have another nightmare
and no ben to comfort me,
when i wake up crying...
13 July
its been almost 2 months since we broke up
so much has happened within that time. i miss the fast pace i felt when we were in melbourne up to when i arrive in NZ.
everything is slow, and i have too much time to do nothing... as i am out of a job and living off favours.
i still have to take this opportunity and fill it with as much effort as possible so that when i get a job i've come so far, not that i will stop when employed. just accomplished, right now, all i can say is, that i havent buried my head. i am moving on as fast as i can and i can feel it.
June. it pains me a little to know he came back with a friend and will pick fruit and is going to move on with a new life.
i hate that he blamed my sadness on his family, and that they hate me and feel i have done them wrong.
dont get so up yourselves to not see its between him and me. nothing to do with you. i didnt want to involve you, but you were summoned by him. what else am i supposed to do?
fuck it - anyway.
have to beleive in myself from now on. have to repair what i value. work on these to strengthen me from inside.
that if ever, i fall anyone againor feel the desire to be intimate.
that ill beleive and trust myself to know when to go and when to put up a shield. To know that it wasnt worth it. to never listen to my heart. to trust my instincts.
i think just vowed to never love again?
i just dont think that there is anyone for me. anymore
i listened tomy heart when i met him, i even thought he was great. I should have known from the first time he treated me bad that i should never had gone back to him.
to never experienced so much love, affection, hope, dreams, desire, everything i ever wanted.
everything. i could of had.
i can do without being fucked around like that.
that i would fuck it up for myself. that he would leave me to myself. that someone like him, actually existed.
its no good, i missed the therapist tuesday and felt down eversince. but i see him friday. then one more session after. fuck.
somehow, i have to see my doctor. more pills.
i wish dearly, that oneday ill be off them. and able to be - happy.
free. flying. happy.
where i make me, happy.
and i know it trust me, love me, beleive in me.
one day. i'll be amongst the brave.
he hasnt emailled me back.
guess he couldnt wait to pick fruit.
so much has happened within that time. i miss the fast pace i felt when we were in melbourne up to when i arrive in NZ.
everything is slow, and i have too much time to do nothing... as i am out of a job and living off favours.
i still have to take this opportunity and fill it with as much effort as possible so that when i get a job i've come so far, not that i will stop when employed. just accomplished, right now, all i can say is, that i havent buried my head. i am moving on as fast as i can and i can feel it.
June. it pains me a little to know he came back with a friend and will pick fruit and is going to move on with a new life.
i hate that he blamed my sadness on his family, and that they hate me and feel i have done them wrong.
dont get so up yourselves to not see its between him and me. nothing to do with you. i didnt want to involve you, but you were summoned by him. what else am i supposed to do?
fuck it - anyway.
have to beleive in myself from now on. have to repair what i value. work on these to strengthen me from inside.
that if ever, i fall anyone againor feel the desire to be intimate.
that ill beleive and trust myself to know when to go and when to put up a shield. To know that it wasnt worth it. to never listen to my heart. to trust my instincts.
i think just vowed to never love again?
i just dont think that there is anyone for me. anymore
i listened tomy heart when i met him, i even thought he was great. I should have known from the first time he treated me bad that i should never had gone back to him.
to never experienced so much love, affection, hope, dreams, desire, everything i ever wanted.
everything. i could of had.
i can do without being fucked around like that.
that i would fuck it up for myself. that he would leave me to myself. that someone like him, actually existed.
its no good, i missed the therapist tuesday and felt down eversince. but i see him friday. then one more session after. fuck.
somehow, i have to see my doctor. more pills.
i wish dearly, that oneday ill be off them. and able to be - happy.
free. flying. happy.
where i make me, happy.
and i know it trust me, love me, beleive in me.
one day. i'll be amongst the brave.
he hasnt emailled me back.
guess he couldnt wait to pick fruit.
10 July
yesterday was my lat day at Massimo.
86 Bitches
then, did my last shop in the mall...
$90 later. more lingerie
ive decided, to to be sad about buying things to impress someone else. to worry that i dont have anyone to dress for. im goign to dress for me. to feel exy in my own skin and not have someone to make me feel sexy. but. i have to thank him. he gave me confidence about my body.
86 Bitches
then, did my last shop in the mall...
$90 later. more lingerie
ive decided, to to be sad about buying things to impress someone else. to worry that i dont have anyone to dress for. im goign to dress for me. to feel exy in my own skin and not have someone to make me feel sexy. but. i have to thank him. he gave me confidence about my body.
7 July
yesterday i met with irina. its great having a friend who just wants to talk
she is having her own problems but we share them and do what we can to help eachother. it rained so heavily and blew so hard as we sat outside gloria jeans smoking. i think she wants me to look out of myself.
in russia they dont have time to be depressed.
they only can think about survival. no time for depression. just struggle.
we might meet up again sunday. she is meeting Tony and Marie with Rachel for dinner. Shes going to find out things for me. she doesnt have to.
i dont want to cling onto things that i cant hope about anymore.
cant wait just to hang out. i enjoy our time.
7 July
7th already?
its the second day of entering into my blog this journal.
im up to the 30th of june. im smoking about 4 a day now.
he emailled me from melbourne. he is at chichi's.
said he's sorry i dont want to hear from him but wants to know what to do with my things because they are moving out soon.
walking to the bus i wished to hold him again.
i breathe in the evening, and breathe you out with the memories i drown in smoke.
i breathe in heavily and feel a rush, im dizzy.
its late at night and the wind shreiks through my headphones, mechanical rattlings through the flag poles
makes this place so lonely and desolate, waiting for the bus to take me home-ways. have to listen to some upbeat music to keep it from flooding me with those feelings
Bens in melbourne already.
didnt want to stay here for too long. must have booked tickets back home. wants to knwo what i want to do with my belongings. i expect him to hold onto them for me to take them later.
i dont want to have to look at them. i wonder if i can just, live without them.
like i have to him.
a lost, that i just have to deal with.
objects that are tainted with the memories of us.
she is having her own problems but we share them and do what we can to help eachother. it rained so heavily and blew so hard as we sat outside gloria jeans smoking. i think she wants me to look out of myself.
in russia they dont have time to be depressed.
they only can think about survival. no time for depression. just struggle.
we might meet up again sunday. she is meeting Tony and Marie with Rachel for dinner. Shes going to find out things for me. she doesnt have to.
i dont want to cling onto things that i cant hope about anymore.
cant wait just to hang out. i enjoy our time.
7 July
7th already?
its the second day of entering into my blog this journal.
im up to the 30th of june. im smoking about 4 a day now.
he emailled me from melbourne. he is at chichi's.
said he's sorry i dont want to hear from him but wants to know what to do with my things because they are moving out soon.
walking to the bus i wished to hold him again.
i breathe in the evening, and breathe you out with the memories i drown in smoke.
i breathe in heavily and feel a rush, im dizzy.
its late at night and the wind shreiks through my headphones, mechanical rattlings through the flag poles
makes this place so lonely and desolate, waiting for the bus to take me home-ways. have to listen to some upbeat music to keep it from flooding me with those feelings
Bens in melbourne already.
didnt want to stay here for too long. must have booked tickets back home. wants to knwo what i want to do with my belongings. i expect him to hold onto them for me to take them later.
i dont want to have to look at them. i wonder if i can just, live without them.
like i have to him.
a lost, that i just have to deal with.
objects that are tainted with the memories of us.
6 July
im at moms overnight. just to pick up some pictures and finally put them up.
finish the picture i promised shane.
as always, i dont enjoy being here.
monday, i was supposed to go drink with the chefs. decided i didnt want to.
it was in takapuna.
i dont knwo them that much. i wont know them after this week. dont care.
i bumped into a friend.
stayed home. tuesday.
i went to myu therapist.
the place is very close to home. Andrew, is my psychotherapist.
he asked basic depression scale question.
asked about when i was with ben. asked about my parents.
i said why i want CBT. because i beleive just talking wont fix nothing.
I met Ben D after on vulcan lane. went into O'carrols. Verena's mother passed away.
cancer.
finish the picture i promised shane.
as always, i dont enjoy being here.
monday, i was supposed to go drink with the chefs. decided i didnt want to.
it was in takapuna.
i dont knwo them that much. i wont know them after this week. dont care.
i bumped into a friend.
stayed home. tuesday.
i went to myu therapist.
the place is very close to home. Andrew, is my psychotherapist.
he asked basic depression scale question.
asked about when i was with ben. asked about my parents.
i said why i want CBT. because i beleive just talking wont fix nothing.
I met Ben D after on vulcan lane. went into O'carrols. Verena's mother passed away.
cancer.
4 July
dads birthday.
i decided to make today worth it with some effort.
cleaned the shower and washed clothes. bathroom feels so much better.
wish i could change the light though.
walked to the art shop in ponsonby as a reward. broght some pencils. a dust brush. and 2 kneaded erasers.
came home and watched claymore. but, felt so lazy after that had to try to go to takapuna but i dont want to.
so brought groceries.
i want to do poster art. i bumped into Kestin, twice.
he is still the same just thinner. going to meet him after his work we can go to Dr Sketchy together. talk and catch up.
i felt down when i had my coffee. really down. and i have to beleive it was because of ben somehow. a spartk of connection. remorseful though. he will be with tony and marie now. going to melbourne asap. apparently he has deleted Irina off facebook.
dont know why. he keeps his friends, deletes our friends.
same as i did...
~~
cj wants to take care of me as i did her.
i need to wake up then get a job here.
i have no choice but to become what i am supposed to be.
artist.
lying in a deck chair,
feeling like ive been
sadistically tied to it.
im there in the sun,
like a decaying Edith Piaf
'take it easy' 'relax'
think he'd rather i
disappear
then deal with my
presence
feeling disappointed
not to enjoy paris
like we should,
only to return to see
what he wouldnt show me.
trying to eat
the last meal
at his mothers
quickly to avoid
the tears
but the taste overwhelms me
i am consumed
and uncomforted.
neither a hug or a tissue
from either of the
onlooking party
i held a fist to my heart
when we parted at the station
now i hold two fists to my eyes.
i imagine my insides blacken as i smoke away hope
for our future
a modern fool i am
allowing social media sites
to gauge our affection
im a fool to throw myself away
to try you on instead.
Disappointment.
who am i now?
who was i then?
who was i before?
what will i become now,
now my dreams of us,
overwhelmingly failed1
trying to live on, inspite of you
and without you
terribly without you.
knowing you are moving on
as fast as you can
with your lies
with the confidence i unlocked from you
my first session is tomorow.
i look forward to it.
dont let me down because im going to hate my doctor if you do.
i decided to make today worth it with some effort.
cleaned the shower and washed clothes. bathroom feels so much better.
wish i could change the light though.
walked to the art shop in ponsonby as a reward. broght some pencils. a dust brush. and 2 kneaded erasers.
came home and watched claymore. but, felt so lazy after that had to try to go to takapuna but i dont want to.
so brought groceries.
i want to do poster art. i bumped into Kestin, twice.
he is still the same just thinner. going to meet him after his work we can go to Dr Sketchy together. talk and catch up.
i felt down when i had my coffee. really down. and i have to beleive it was because of ben somehow. a spartk of connection. remorseful though. he will be with tony and marie now. going to melbourne asap. apparently he has deleted Irina off facebook.
dont know why. he keeps his friends, deletes our friends.
same as i did...
~~
cj wants to take care of me as i did her.
i need to wake up then get a job here.
i have no choice but to become what i am supposed to be.
artist.
lying in a deck chair,
feeling like ive been
sadistically tied to it.
im there in the sun,
like a decaying Edith Piaf
'take it easy' 'relax'
think he'd rather i
disappear
then deal with my
presence
feeling disappointed
not to enjoy paris
like we should,
only to return to see
what he wouldnt show me.
trying to eat
the last meal
at his mothers
quickly to avoid
the tears
but the taste overwhelms me
i am consumed
and uncomforted.
neither a hug or a tissue
from either of the
onlooking party
i held a fist to my heart
when we parted at the station
now i hold two fists to my eyes.
i imagine my insides blacken as i smoke away hope
for our future
a modern fool i am
allowing social media sites
to gauge our affection
im a fool to throw myself away
to try you on instead.
Disappointment.
who am i now?
who was i then?
who was i before?
what will i become now,
now my dreams of us,
overwhelmingly failed1
trying to live on, inspite of you
and without you
terribly without you.
knowing you are moving on
as fast as you can
with your lies
with the confidence i unlocked from you
my first session is tomorow.
i look forward to it.
dont let me down because im going to hate my doctor if you do.
2nd July
yesterday was very eventful for me.
started work early and had a busy morning. then nadine came and made me mad. for a few minutes. when i finished she made me stay and talk. shes considering lettingme go. im sure its so she can save face. im certainly not doing a bad job. she doesnt beleive im living up to my potential and that im letting things hold me back.
shes right.
i now thing ill take her new offer up. seven days pay.
afterwards i met with jayy.
i was not too keen because of the last time we met but he knows better now. still brought me all my drinks and even dinner afterwards. and dessert.
it was great to catch up as friends and not awkwardly.
he was sympathetic to me and encouraged me to do writing again. he loved the blog i used to write.
he says i have real talent at it. i need to pursue my creative talents.
and take the time to heal and enjoy life.
take up something new.
after that i took a bus to k-rd.
and bumped into Guy. he was distant as usual. he was with Allie and ness'es flatmate.
outside of calender girls waiting to see the strippers. allie made me come up so seeing the strippers was really fun. i tipped a girl $20.
it was amazing.
then guy wanted to talk to me se we all left.
he apologised that he was so distant. i know, and i understand. However, i didnt know that he was heart-broken over me... and that the only way he knew how to cope was to tell
EVERY FUCKING ONE!
now, i forgive but, Ben D and Verena?
i didnt want them to know, most of all.
I never even told my Ben.
i put it behind me knowing that he was happy with Li.
way too many people know about it.
then as we parted he tried to kiss me again.
i said no. and i had just told i dont have a heart, nor do i even want a relationship with anyone or just casual fucking.
as i crossed the street i knew he was going to do it again.
so as soon as i heard feet running my way i pretended to do a crane stance. he kissed me anyway and i said go home!
silly kid - i told him to do what he said and chase li to Germany.
Damn it. i didnt want him to still have feeling for me. especially when i dont for him. he's just my good and true friend.
i talked to cj about bing possibly let go from massimo. she said quit and live at home.
the invitation is tempting.
i may take her up on it.
this moring sheena was arguing with her boyfriend.
i think she can do better. he's a kid. he sounded so immature.
he left after they argued. i gave her a cigarette and tried to comfort her.
im working at the moment. on my break.
i really want to leave this place. i dont care to work for them or with them.
i would like to create a zine with my writing and drawings.
of course, the initial content will be 'love-sick'
Ben should be on the plane now. got no idea if he is coming back. I would like and beleive him to pass me by.
i have had no word or story from him. i know he's cried. but wont care soon. happy that me, the huge weight on his shoulders is gone.
i miss kissing his body, when its warm. soft.
i liked to scrub him in the shower hoping that it had some therapeutic effect to ease his stress.
i beleive i had a dream about arguing with him.
then i woke up and forgot.
flowers are sad to me now. full of regret, meant for those that are unhappy.
lament. lament. lament.
need to be stonger in myself before i take on australia. to be better than new zealand.
i already am.
but to prove it.
i want to draw, grow.
to paint and create.
i need to take a break now.
Empress.
with time off i could so something for doujin overload.
i hate this job too.
started work early and had a busy morning. then nadine came and made me mad. for a few minutes. when i finished she made me stay and talk. shes considering lettingme go. im sure its so she can save face. im certainly not doing a bad job. she doesnt beleive im living up to my potential and that im letting things hold me back.
shes right.
i now thing ill take her new offer up. seven days pay.
afterwards i met with jayy.
i was not too keen because of the last time we met but he knows better now. still brought me all my drinks and even dinner afterwards. and dessert.
it was great to catch up as friends and not awkwardly.
he was sympathetic to me and encouraged me to do writing again. he loved the blog i used to write.
he says i have real talent at it. i need to pursue my creative talents.
and take the time to heal and enjoy life.
take up something new.
after that i took a bus to k-rd.
and bumped into Guy. he was distant as usual. he was with Allie and ness'es flatmate.
outside of calender girls waiting to see the strippers. allie made me come up so seeing the strippers was really fun. i tipped a girl $20.
it was amazing.
then guy wanted to talk to me se we all left.
he apologised that he was so distant. i know, and i understand. However, i didnt know that he was heart-broken over me... and that the only way he knew how to cope was to tell
EVERY FUCKING ONE!
now, i forgive but, Ben D and Verena?
i didnt want them to know, most of all.
I never even told my Ben.
i put it behind me knowing that he was happy with Li.
way too many people know about it.
then as we parted he tried to kiss me again.
i said no. and i had just told i dont have a heart, nor do i even want a relationship with anyone or just casual fucking.
as i crossed the street i knew he was going to do it again.
so as soon as i heard feet running my way i pretended to do a crane stance. he kissed me anyway and i said go home!
silly kid - i told him to do what he said and chase li to Germany.
Damn it. i didnt want him to still have feeling for me. especially when i dont for him. he's just my good and true friend.
i talked to cj about bing possibly let go from massimo. she said quit and live at home.
the invitation is tempting.
i may take her up on it.
this moring sheena was arguing with her boyfriend.
i think she can do better. he's a kid. he sounded so immature.
he left after they argued. i gave her a cigarette and tried to comfort her.
im working at the moment. on my break.
i really want to leave this place. i dont care to work for them or with them.
i would like to create a zine with my writing and drawings.
of course, the initial content will be 'love-sick'
Ben should be on the plane now. got no idea if he is coming back. I would like and beleive him to pass me by.
i have had no word or story from him. i know he's cried. but wont care soon. happy that me, the huge weight on his shoulders is gone.
i miss kissing his body, when its warm. soft.
i liked to scrub him in the shower hoping that it had some therapeutic effect to ease his stress.
i beleive i had a dream about arguing with him.
then i woke up and forgot.
flowers are sad to me now. full of regret, meant for those that are unhappy.
lament. lament. lament.
need to be stonger in myself before i take on australia. to be better than new zealand.
i already am.
but to prove it.
i want to draw, grow.
to paint and create.
i need to take a break now.
Empress.
with time off i could so something for doujin overload.
i hate this job too.
29/30 June
im really not enjoying work.
its CJs birthday
all i got her was a scarf.
however of all the things i found, it was perfect.
she was very happy.
i got home and we went to gateau house, chocolate shop then starbucks.
couldnt eat it all. too much.
i decided to go on facebook (when we got home soon after)...
i realisedd that ben had de-tagged himself from most of our photos.
that he took the time, to distance himself from me.
hurt.
hurt so much.
that i de-tagged and deleted.
i cried. cj, my sister.
my angel. comforted me.
gave me tissues.
listened to me.
re-assured me.
loved me and helped me enough.
to take another step to move on.
so i asked her to be there with me as i wrote him, on chat, that i too am distancing myself, that although it hurts, i have to move on.
i deleted him despite the little he could say to wait.
i deleted our albums. photo's. de-tagged (from friends photos)
i hope im stronger when i wake up...
30 June.
connection - gone.
he wont email me. he never does.
all i have to do now is forget.
forget i was loved so much.
forget about love completely.
friendship, is all i can count on in this life.
its CJs birthday
all i got her was a scarf.
however of all the things i found, it was perfect.
she was very happy.
i got home and we went to gateau house, chocolate shop then starbucks.
couldnt eat it all. too much.
i decided to go on facebook (when we got home soon after)...
i realisedd that ben had de-tagged himself from most of our photos.
that he took the time, to distance himself from me.
hurt.
hurt so much.
that i de-tagged and deleted.
i cried. cj, my sister.
my angel. comforted me.
gave me tissues.
listened to me.
re-assured me.
loved me and helped me enough.
to take another step to move on.
so i asked her to be there with me as i wrote him, on chat, that i too am distancing myself, that although it hurts, i have to move on.
i deleted him despite the little he could say to wait.
i deleted our albums. photo's. de-tagged (from friends photos)
i hope im stronger when i wake up...
30 June.
connection - gone.
he wont email me. he never does.
all i have to do now is forget.
forget i was loved so much.
forget about love completely.
friendship, is all i can count on in this life.
26 June
I saw marcelino one day on my way to the bus. he didnt know but was aware that i was in france.
i promised to see him again.
last night i left my FB chat on. Ben said 'hi regan'
i replied 'ben?' ... with no response in 5 minutes i said fine and closed chat. finally replied he was eating. bastard.
ive tried to heal myself in this time. waiting for the bloody psychologists to call me. i need an appointment. im aware that the date we were supposed to arrive back together is next weekend. and im still torn up...
i might provide my own salvation yet.
i feel so hideous that ive been working on updating/re-inventing my image.
im 26 now. i feel more adult than i ever have in my life.
i went to boarders several times and found consolation not in breakup or relationship books, which i have been loathe to pick up. i dont want to concentrate on why we broke up or how we miight have been able to resolve our problems. i found a better approach in a book called 'pleasure, an almanac for the heart', and a sex kittens handbook.
the sexkitten book i purchased. ive been reading it and feeling more confidence, or awareness of what i can actually be capable of.
then i couldnt help but remember our first kiss.
did i do all those things that the book was saying was flirting?
did i lift my eyebrows at him so he could fall into my dialated eyes?
did i touch my hair, chest, and hips to indicate thats where i would like to be touched? was he attracted by my scent?...
i remember i couldnt help but want to hug him. then shyly, slowly pulling back, i think i wanted to brush my nose with his, eyes checking his then looking down. we kissed. long. over and over. uncontrollable.
after the pleasure of that thought sadness rushes in and i realist where i am now. -without.
in the handbook. i realise that i was hoping for a fairy tale. that i was with him to make me whole. that my depression would be replaced by our love and happiness.
i didnt understand why it failed but now i see that my own completeness, was all along inside of me.
and that relationships are not to give away your independence and contentment but Simply to share your happiness and love.
there are so many things i wish i had known beforehand. i would love to have had a sucessful relationship ben. and i always will.
right now im working on getting over him. its hard and my chest gets tight and my eyes still water. cant wait to get to that chapter on it (breakups)
the book says you can work on the inside you by working on the outside you as well. it says clothes are the furniture of the mind.
ive indulged in black too much, not only for work reasons either.
however the clothes that i have purchased are finer.
some items may have been more expensive but they suit my more 'adult' tastes just fine.
i wear makeup more tuned than before to accentuate my eyes and mouth.
to to attract but to find myself more beautiful.
i just had to buy a satin night dress to sleep in. i wear ugly clothes to bed but i want to change that feel sexy as i sleep.
most importantly, its teaching me how to feel on the inside. confidence comes from within.
This is all the things i lost while with Ben. none of it is his fault. its mine for not knowing and being unaware that i was loosing these things. its mine for not aspiring to be these thigns and fearing to live my dreams and finding it easier to help with his.
its my bad luck for never being taught these things.
its my bad mentality thats frightens me away.
Ben I'm sorry.
I realise.
I cant say you were right to say fuck you.
but now i have been given the key to step back,
and see. Finally!
we cant fix us now its too late. you in my mind are so far gone, even to someone else. cant fix what broken.
ive too much guilt and memories and emotions.
plus, i dont have a heart..
damn it. ive reached a part in the book where i cant read no further.
the 'single kitten' chapter was too short.
the communication part stopped me.
it says 'love' is a powerful word.
and the fact that he said 'love' to trish, is powerful that he wrote it on FB, for all to see.
doubles it.
good bye temporary good feelings...
fuck you again ben.
i promised to see him again.
last night i left my FB chat on. Ben said 'hi regan'
i replied 'ben?' ... with no response in 5 minutes i said fine and closed chat. finally replied he was eating. bastard.
ive tried to heal myself in this time. waiting for the bloody psychologists to call me. i need an appointment. im aware that the date we were supposed to arrive back together is next weekend. and im still torn up...
i might provide my own salvation yet.
i feel so hideous that ive been working on updating/re-inventing my image.
im 26 now. i feel more adult than i ever have in my life.
i went to boarders several times and found consolation not in breakup or relationship books, which i have been loathe to pick up. i dont want to concentrate on why we broke up or how we miight have been able to resolve our problems. i found a better approach in a book called 'pleasure, an almanac for the heart', and a sex kittens handbook.
the sexkitten book i purchased. ive been reading it and feeling more confidence, or awareness of what i can actually be capable of.
then i couldnt help but remember our first kiss.
did i do all those things that the book was saying was flirting?
did i lift my eyebrows at him so he could fall into my dialated eyes?
did i touch my hair, chest, and hips to indicate thats where i would like to be touched? was he attracted by my scent?...
i remember i couldnt help but want to hug him. then shyly, slowly pulling back, i think i wanted to brush my nose with his, eyes checking his then looking down. we kissed. long. over and over. uncontrollable.
after the pleasure of that thought sadness rushes in and i realist where i am now. -without.
in the handbook. i realise that i was hoping for a fairy tale. that i was with him to make me whole. that my depression would be replaced by our love and happiness.
i didnt understand why it failed but now i see that my own completeness, was all along inside of me.
and that relationships are not to give away your independence and contentment but Simply to share your happiness and love.
there are so many things i wish i had known beforehand. i would love to have had a sucessful relationship ben. and i always will.
right now im working on getting over him. its hard and my chest gets tight and my eyes still water. cant wait to get to that chapter on it (breakups)
the book says you can work on the inside you by working on the outside you as well. it says clothes are the furniture of the mind.
ive indulged in black too much, not only for work reasons either.
however the clothes that i have purchased are finer.
some items may have been more expensive but they suit my more 'adult' tastes just fine.
i wear makeup more tuned than before to accentuate my eyes and mouth.
to to attract but to find myself more beautiful.
i just had to buy a satin night dress to sleep in. i wear ugly clothes to bed but i want to change that feel sexy as i sleep.
most importantly, its teaching me how to feel on the inside. confidence comes from within.
This is all the things i lost while with Ben. none of it is his fault. its mine for not knowing and being unaware that i was loosing these things. its mine for not aspiring to be these thigns and fearing to live my dreams and finding it easier to help with his.
its my bad luck for never being taught these things.
its my bad mentality thats frightens me away.
Ben I'm sorry.
I realise.
I cant say you were right to say fuck you.
but now i have been given the key to step back,
and see. Finally!
we cant fix us now its too late. you in my mind are so far gone, even to someone else. cant fix what broken.
ive too much guilt and memories and emotions.
plus, i dont have a heart..
damn it. ive reached a part in the book where i cant read no further.
the 'single kitten' chapter was too short.
the communication part stopped me.
it says 'love' is a powerful word.
and the fact that he said 'love' to trish, is powerful that he wrote it on FB, for all to see.
doubles it.
good bye temporary good feelings...
fuck you again ben.
25 June.
i deleted all out friends off FB except Johnny.
he was my friend.
i got very drunk last night.
didnt stay very long. it was good seeing michelle, giam and anne. And, for the first time, baby Kate.
(this was at long room ponsonby for michelles birthday celebrations)
saw Jooa yesterday as well. she heard.
thursday went for a long walk with irina. talked about it alot. its easier to not cry about it.
dreamt this morning about wanting to float in water, my head just above the water. but some assholes kept crowding me and i could beat them up so i had to keep moving and telling them to piss off. i was enjoying floating.
the connection is gone.
hes got someone else now to forget about me.
(im) too clingy.
i hate you ben.
its over.
he was my friend.
i got very drunk last night.
didnt stay very long. it was good seeing michelle, giam and anne. And, for the first time, baby Kate.
(this was at long room ponsonby for michelles birthday celebrations)
saw Jooa yesterday as well. she heard.
thursday went for a long walk with irina. talked about it alot. its easier to not cry about it.
dreamt this morning about wanting to float in water, my head just above the water. but some assholes kept crowding me and i could beat them up so i had to keep moving and telling them to piss off. i was enjoying floating.
the connection is gone.
hes got someone else now to forget about me.
(im) too clingy.
i hate you ben.
its over.
21st June
i want july to pass.
21st June
its going to be hard knowing he was here, and passed me on.
21st June
its going to be hard knowing he was here, and passed me on.
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