Nana. Written 2002

We sit in church, an unremarkable grey sky beyond the window.
child of innocence runs her fingers down my legs.
sends sensations to my head and body that I have to brush her hands away

such a clean face. unmarked and unblemished.
we give her a piece of chocolate and make eating faces as if we were enjoying a piece of chocolate ourselves.
she runs it over her face and hold in her smal, fleshy toddler hands before taking a small bite. the chocolate is still 1&1/2 blocks left, broken and crumbling where she broke it off. it sits in her mouth and she eats it with her mouth open, like she had to breathe in between each bite.
her mouth is full of brown saliva and chocolate stained teeth. im not sure if she is enjoying it - or if she wants me to enjoy her eating it. which i am.
clear brown eyes she enjoys it when i run my fingernails up and down her face.
shutting her eyes and leaving her mouth open with an almost animal purity.
i run my nails and tickle her nose.
eyebrows, cheeks, and then her ears, which she scrunches her face up in toothy smile and holds her hands to her ears, where i return to her nose. Jan then starts tickling her chin to get her attention, offers it, and jan runs her fingers up and down her fore arms. she stops moving and watches and feels her fingers with that same animal interest, as if the sensation is new and pleasurable in some way. im curious why jan would do that to her in the first place, but she likes it. then she pushes up jan's sleeves with not much success and scratches jan's forearms, thinking maby she'd enjoy it too or its what shes supposed to do. jan flinches a little because of her tiny finger-nails.
finishing both of jan's arms she turns to me and tries to push up one of my sleeves making it only halfway up my arm. i have to help her pull it as far up. then she runs her fingers up and down my arms with a slight pressure. i can feel her small nails scratching. pulls that sleeve down and continues with pushing the other sleeve up and scratching that arm.

if she was mine then i would hold her always. i would hold her with my two strong arms and never tire. we would both stare and look at things. trying to come up with the same thoughts. i would love that child. i would bleed my heart out for her. no harm, ever. i would tear her oppressors apart.



November 10, 2008. I am still childless.