a day that i didnt want to be - written circa 2003

... We have come together and connect so much more now -
we laugh and have become less afraid of each other.
! wow we've come a long way.
Spiritually I think Ive stopped growing. I have stopped being a child of God, I think... I have stopped feeling the spirit touch me like it did, I miss it.

Stolen from me and made into tears
the heavens pour it on me to shame me
Before my friends and peers.
My eyes tire from seeing
awake for so long
mindlessly active unconsciously moving..
Birds call in the night
Unrespectfully watch the moon hang ominously
pay no attention to its ethereal beauty,
In a liquid pink sky and wet blue clouds;
I smiled when I saw the grey sky roll over the cool morning
but no smile could brighten my day today.
(so it dragged on without joy).

Sometimes, its so hard to smile.

The White Blossom - written circa 2003

Locked in a chamber of cold black stones with thick chains clamping her wrists, and ankles to the walls.
An iron choker held her head from the floor and any further comfortable position.

no movement, no food, no thought... why this torture?

In this filthy cramped cavity only she could fit. Eyes open, staring at a white blossom blooming before her.
In no light it grew as if by what remained of her will power; budding then bursting, like in slow motion into full bloom. Pure and white - amidst the gloom and black.
small and alone, the girl died.

Wet Grass - written circa 2003

listening to the sounds of a friday afternoon and drinking smirnoffs to tune me in.
Wet patches of grass and mud; a small micro plane buzzing over above.
A cool breeze momentarily brushing my face; dispersed clouds dripping towards the east.
Im thinking of some other afternoon, like this one. just as cool and the sun just about to touch the horizon. observing the scene with the same detached wonder.

The leaves on the plum tree burst into existence in such a short period it made me think how fast spring is approaching. The beautiful white blossoms have just about all dropped off or browned out.

I Fear Sleep

whats that I hear you say?
Fear Sleep? But why ever could that be?

Because my room may not have been bug bombed, so all the bugs went north for the 'fall-out', and north being my Bedroom!

Crying like a emo kid ;_; ...

I found a dead roach in the door way of my room...
I was scared and stole CJ's can of Raid... and proceeded to soak the bugger, and the rest of my room with Pyrethemum...
I should be asleep...

however. Now that I am back in Auckland...
what was it I was doing a fortnight before I left for Levin?

Nothing. Specifically: computer games. moping. walking. DVD's. Movies. TV series (marathons of BSG done *sigh!*).
now that I am back...

I plan to go and be a glassy. I will apply to many schools this time and more than just one subject. which ever one I get I will do.
and maby try modelling. just for shits and giggles.
not that I actually think i'd be good just hoping that I get some funky adidas threads someday :)

which means runs or walks every day. to get that BMI down or what ever it is.

Ahh... Thanks EOL for the diary. I really will be using it.
plus I need a new calandar...

in wellington today

i took a trip to wellington today and am staying with a good friend.

and it reminds me of all the reasons why I should move here. Dilapidated, dated, Lived In old city villa's. Hundreds of them. and I can live in them :)
Im not keen on the weather here. I'd have to stock up on Jumbo jackets, however. its a good vibe here.

I took loads of photo's.
when I have the time, I will be able to upload them to here.

though, I am missing my friends in auckland.

about my cat. 2003

(from my journal) ... I'm trying to begin this entry - in the shadow of my beloved cat who insists on pushing his face in mine.
I love you so much. I'd be very cold without you.
Currently I don't love anything more than I do you.
But, I still dread the day when you must leave me - when I have to stop buying you biscuits, kiss you benevolently on your patterned forehead, hear you purr and see your lazy eyes. You love me, I know that much.
You are a little strange and hard to understand,
I don't want to understand you - own you, trap you.
I should have left you in your home.
I guess i got greedy - i couldn't live without you, or bear to think about what would be happening to you.
I love your scent. You've definitely lost most of your smell since being here. Garden spray, fertilizer, wild, green, sweat, hunt, warmth. And sun.

RIP 2005. Come back to me one day...

high moon, circa 2003

the moon has shifted a long distance since,
its light directly on her face now and in her eyes.
clock kept on ticking. a windy night pushed the
clouds along, passing the moon and temporarily
dimming the light.
clouds in the distance moved slowly, huddled beneath
the moon and stars hung above. Wind sights through
trees.
the blue night sky is so solid, its almost palpable.
its like the smooth painted inside of a
cosmotic bowl.
Her focus shifts to the window, and the dirt and finger
marks on it; between her and the moon.
light shining in her eyes, she squints to lengthen
and shorten the beams.

The breeze slipping through the window stirs the
chimes; they ring quietly into the night.
Kana lay in bed, a little uncomfortable.
Her neck hurt from craning over the computer so much.
sleep was hard to find, thoughts and dreams
not helping in the pursuit.
Her tabby cat slept on the blankets at her side,
the clock still ticked.
"How come you can sleep so easily, huh puss?"

untitled circa 2003

We lay in bed,
We lay very close.
And listened to the narcissus grow.
We hard the silver moon rise,
I heard his eye lids blinking,
He heard my hair rustling.
We saw fantastic visions,
We dreamed our wolds together,
No-longer separated but linked by our finger tips only,
linked by eyes.
Eyes of midnight bright,
Eyes of perceptual might.
.dreams never end when you believe

shuhei's rainbow. written 2002

i saw the rainbow shuhei saw. it was beautiful.
it was as vivid as the photo he is a part of
forever shuhei, young. and the rainbow -

unfinished, untitled. circa 2000-2002

kana walked down the road with a bottle of vodka to ease her disappointment. was like a great vault sky of cloud and blue evening. the moon directly above like white marble. the unseen sun dyed the cloud fringes orange and pink. a swirling mass tethered to spill into the blue like the great wall of a slow moving wave.
a sight to make many watchers sigh.
kana didn't care.
nor did she car she still walked on stony ground in high heels, bound to break an ankle at some time.
far too distant to hear the plaintive voices calling her to stay,come back, ignoring....

free writing. circa 1999-2001

out into the street i flow
im not sure, ive nowhere to go
i see people fly by yet i am so slow
its a color expozay - a blurry show

we wont walk, wont laugh, wont play
we just want to get out - shot today
in my head a part is dead
what im fed its not being read
so i pull down the stars
white pin points pricking the crowd
crowd of colour garish
melt them al into single units
its just more organised that way

eighteen september twothousand and eight, sugar sweet blue eyes

continuing down

think i lost a friend

hair is, every where!

waiting out this holiday. keen to be here, keen to get back into uncertain life. which?

want to be alone here. no bothers. eat out.
drinking peach tea by the litre...

wanting to be perfected and shag with no inhibitions.

skin, is, purple?

toes healing. i do have my fathers feet.
not keen on dragging her around.

laid on the grass one day. staring at the grass. blue sky. hot knees.
feeding black geese, strange honking and hissing.
more beautiful than geese.

actually, i am wrong. they are black swans.

I magine the city. written 1999

I would like to live in a city. a city with bright lights. trees. green hills. people: simple, complex, cyberpunks, thrift shop kids, snot nosed fashion junkies, uniforms, suits, colours, ugly, pretty, Fake... and in this city is me. in a small 2 roomed kitchen + bathroom unit apartment high up staring at thousands of other apartments and city buildings winking at me. Ive made contact with some of the other people in those apartments. we wave. hold up big pictures. ive even been able to email one of them. Behind me is one of the rooms, my room. 3x4m. a shoji screen door, aluminum slide windows (nice to sit in when i want to remind myself what suicidal feels like) a small bed under it, along one wall a stack of DIY shelves ive cramped with books and collected trinkets. my bed bed sits on another stack of shelves full of books and drawers of clothes. 2 PC monitors , minispeakers sit on my desk connected to 2 networked PC's underneath. Desk is littered with papers. water and energy bottles, special K boxes ( i really have to clean this shit out some day.) books, pens, trinkets, CD's, a keyboard, 2 mouse. shit cluttered room. strung a sting along the ceiling to hang my clothes and shoes from. I can just sit in my room cluttered with shit. My flatmate, shes a graphic designer. usually out at Uni or locked in her room. like me, has 2 computers. at least once a week we make it a habit to clean out the apartment, go shop together, and frequent at the local cafe/internet cafe/2nd hand book store. sometimes I go visit friends I haven't visited in months. Lucky bastards. they just do a bit of work every day or just bumm around. I lock myself in my room, do animation or Im at college doing more animations and planning storyboards. updating my site or do comics or, I just zone out.
leave the apartment, and walk. stare at the world. Im going to go to a yoga class someday. I leave my 7th floor apartment through the internal staring of my apartment building. it is late. the outsides of some have staircases leading down the sides. Dirty white washed walls. cold and some glowing windows, pipes veining the sides and small boxes and lights jutting out of the walls. the spaces between the buildings secret a walkway for all. the roads on the other side of the way. the whole way is webbed with a jumble of black telephone and power lines linking from apartment to apartment. at least the air is clean down here.

(Edited Nov 10 2008. I wrote this before I even lived on Hobson street. guess my imagination was pretty accurate...)

night flying. written 2000

late night cafe music. enough caffine to make the sane mad and those denizens of the coffee sane.. reasonably. red light floods the scene, horizon of yellow light on the bar; dark silhouettes of couples sit around tables lit with candles and low lights.
Samarah looks up to and notices the time on an old Hawaiian clock. 10.00pm.
time to go. see the night out. But, decides to go after one more song. to calm the nerves.
sweet slow drum beats, the string sections elevating, almost like she's flying again.
the nights calling Samarah. And it was true, looking out the window she could see the moon through the withered plane trees. the first full moon of the month. and through the trees, they looked like a medical graph of the nerves in the brain. the branches forking out into nerve ends, the trunk the spinal root.
"good night for flying" she mused staring at the deep night sky.
laying her bill down on her table, she rose and left the small late night cafe. its warm and frendly atmoshpere lingering as she stepped out. the winter bite in the air, nipping away at her bared skin, reminding her to pull on her coat.

Nana. Written 2002

We sit in church, an unremarkable grey sky beyond the window.
child of innocence runs her fingers down my legs.
sends sensations to my head and body that I have to brush her hands away

such a clean face. unmarked and unblemished.
we give her a piece of chocolate and make eating faces as if we were enjoying a piece of chocolate ourselves.
she runs it over her face and hold in her smal, fleshy toddler hands before taking a small bite. the chocolate is still 1&1/2 blocks left, broken and crumbling where she broke it off. it sits in her mouth and she eats it with her mouth open, like she had to breathe in between each bite.
her mouth is full of brown saliva and chocolate stained teeth. im not sure if she is enjoying it - or if she wants me to enjoy her eating it. which i am.
clear brown eyes she enjoys it when i run my fingernails up and down her face.
shutting her eyes and leaving her mouth open with an almost animal purity.
i run my nails and tickle her nose.
eyebrows, cheeks, and then her ears, which she scrunches her face up in toothy smile and holds her hands to her ears, where i return to her nose. Jan then starts tickling her chin to get her attention, offers it, and jan runs her fingers up and down her fore arms. she stops moving and watches and feels her fingers with that same animal interest, as if the sensation is new and pleasurable in some way. im curious why jan would do that to her in the first place, but she likes it. then she pushes up jan's sleeves with not much success and scratches jan's forearms, thinking maby she'd enjoy it too or its what shes supposed to do. jan flinches a little because of her tiny finger-nails.
finishing both of jan's arms she turns to me and tries to push up one of my sleeves making it only halfway up my arm. i have to help her pull it as far up. then she runs her fingers up and down my arms with a slight pressure. i can feel her small nails scratching. pulls that sleeve down and continues with pushing the other sleeve up and scratching that arm.

if she was mine then i would hold her always. i would hold her with my two strong arms and never tire. we would both stare and look at things. trying to come up with the same thoughts. i would love that child. i would bleed my heart out for her. no harm, ever. i would tear her oppressors apart.



November 10, 2008. I am still childless.

Mama and the Gym

I felt really awful, and really about time to call my mother.
I called her yesterday before coronation street started, and she was happy to hear from me :)
i feel much better now, thanks also to every one for their support, you are a lovely bunch :3
she's not up to much. life is much the same, just shorter work hours. Good to have that mama feeling back.

I was also called by Configure Express to ask why I havent been coming in...
well. the thing is, I dont really like gyms.
I have no flippin idea why i even bothered to get a bloody membership. with all that money i have been wasting i should have brought shoes and walked!
stupid, stupid dippy me!
Today I went to see them at 11am. The assessor was nice, i was initially expecting someone quite snotty? I lied and said that I had forgotten that I had a membership.
the truth is that I dont want to go. I want to sit on my ass and watch internet TV and read manga and do the occasional job.
I have low motivation that is for sure.
I also dont want to sit on my ass all day! Im so Terrible! Gyagh!
I jogged for 20 minutes, stretched, and felt way too lost to continue on with doing anything there.
I left and read my book. it was quite hot out so I had to sit in the shade or fall over. Feeling quite light headed today? or perhaps reading "Faust. Fiction and Manga from the cutting edge of Japanese Pop Culture" is putting too much interesting facets of philosophy in my dry brain that its a little heavy for the watering?
before my money dries up, i should line myself up a new job...
one that does not make me cry at the sight of the elderly...;_;...

i made my mother cry today.

that fool. that damned fool.
why cant she accept, that I will never take that bitch back.
that bitch, who unfortunately for our family line, holds the ancestral name, Your Name! And smears dirt and shame on it.

you watched us, as we grew together. we became our own, and now you can watch us fall apart.
there is nothing that her parents didn't give her, except strong boundaries.
and they still swarm to her to wipe her ass when she gets blown around in the storm she created.
Wasn't it you, who always told me to turn my back on those who do wrong?
how can you expect me to accept her as she is, when she is every thing Ive been taught to despise?
She makes her mother worry until it has affected her physically! Her father cries every time he rushes out to pick her up from her latest arrest/break-up/drug induced coma!
You don't even know the real reason why I don't have a scooter anymore. I wont tell, do you really need to worry? I wouldn't do that to you. She does it on purpose?
and for what reason? because she knows that they will clambour around to comfort her.
to help her justify her behaviour. Her Stupidity! So she will be happy to go back and do it all again.
She's Addicted to her drugs and stupidity.
she had two children. and you watched her try to raise them.
See how she malnourished them? did you hear that she used a table leg to hit her partner while he was holding her oldest? wasn't it you complaining every time we met what a bad mother she was? And now she's lost them.

Cry then. go ahead. Cry for the girl that died a long time ago.
Cry because she will never come back, and the only thing living in her skin is a demon hell bent on destruction absolute. a robot with a flawed single function that cankours on like a broken record over and over.
Quit your crying because I have rejected her. Just like she rejects us all as she takes each puff and breathes it in our face.
Do you know how much it hurts that we cant share our memories?
because when we die, that is all we are left with!

Third Time Lucky Break!!

A fortnight ago I went into St Marks Surgery to get my right hand operated on again.
Apparently the plate that went into my hand back in 2005 was wearing the tendons out that were rubbing over the top of them. ick.

I first broke the 4th and 5th Metacarpal bones (ring and pinky palm bones) back in September 2000 after being very drunk, young, dumb, and hitting the fence... lol
I broke it again in May 2005 after getting super frustrated at an ex one night and laying into a rocky part of a punching bag instead of him. after that i went to Middlemore hosp where they put plates on the bone, but never did anything to get it straight. and the Anesthetist was a real BITCH. I was lying on the operating table and she stabbed the anesthetic into the bone in my wrist. I yelped and tried to say "fuck!" but only managed the ffffff and was konked out. That left a massive bruise. I really should have had her up for that!

When I was working in C.S my hand would hurt really bad after typing for long periods. So I decided to see my Doc about it who refered me to Chris Taylor working out of Greenlane/Ellerslie. Hand surgeon specialist. got some xrays to shows off :) but they didnt scan too well??

Before the surgery


3x skinny plates to hold second break

After the surgery:

one skinny, one thick to splint the pinky bone. a lot of broken pins that couldn't be removed.
The screws were so tiny that they just break. I just hope the plates dont sliver up my tendons again (I bet you are going EWW! hahah high five to myself!)

The Dream where I cant stop the car...

I was watching Battle Star Galactica through our flat LAN last night and got to S2, ep 14 when Ryan unplugged his hard-drive totally canning the episode I was halfway through >:-(
I was too frustrated to wait for it to come back onto the network, so instead threw myself into bed and fell asleep with my MP3 player rocking off Kings of Leon.

I was dreaming again about driving in a car. well, I wasnt exactly driving, I just happened to be in the drivers seat. The car started to move, and I had to steer it so it doesnt crash. its not moving fast, more like moving on some sort of crazy momentum?
No matter what I try to do the brakes never seem to work, like Im not pressing it properly? it doesnt occur to me that the brakes just dont work!
I could be simply sitting in the car in a driveway or supermarket carpark and it would move?
I seem to have this kind of dream every couple of years. funny how I seem to remember it, amongst the many thousands of other random dreams that I do have.
Perhaps its when all the random dreams start to have some similar parts, that those common occurances when combined finally they are more memorable to me? Familiar. Recognisable?

I told Mom, she reckons thats there is something in my life that I dont yet have controll over.
That I better start fixing it?
But the problem is, what is it?

that I can be really pathetic and let it control me?
my laziness?
terrible string of relationships?
I am not that good at keeping friends unless they are close by?
That yes I am afraid of driving? (well not really !! o_o, i just prefer scooters or buses...)
I can never stick to one thing for a long time, i have to move up or move on? I dont know when im finished??
so much introspection I need to do :( . Maby i should do that mind map thingy..

~~~~~
EDIT:
Useless at keeping in contact with friends!
Useless!!

Paulie go Bye-Bye

Head Automatica

Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby

You, you want nothing to do with me
You, you want nothing to do with me
I, I don't know what to do with you
Because you don't know what you do to me

Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Beating hearts baby
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
Your beating heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby

You, you really got your hold on me
You, you really got your hold on me
You, you got to get away from me
Because you, you want nothing to do with me

Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Beating hearts baby
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
Your beating heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby

In spite of you
Even out of view
Still I love all of you
I do, yeah
In spite of you
Even out of view
Still I love all of you
I do, yeah
You want nothing to do with me
You, you want nothing to do with me

Baby, is this love for real
Let me in your arms to feel
Your beating heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby


ok well ive just thrown in the can another wasted relationship. With yet again another blue eyed horn dog (remind me to stay far away from blue eyed dudes with saint's names). yet, im feeling pretty stupid about it?
The above song i played like crazy after michael years and years ago. and pined and cried and felt uber lost, and slept days away hiding under the covers and searching anything about his name on the internet etc etc. its still a good song outside of that event.

it happened last night. i was about to sleep dreaming of paul when he txt me... then i asked him about him paying me back. I said something wrong, he said something racist, and i blew him up and ditched him like that.
its been 24 hours since he txt that.

hmm, analysing our relationship. i really should have just said "nah its not working out" and walked away from him earlier. so many signs saying "no he's a douche bag, now say ta-ta!". ahh but being so hot blooded i tend to ignore. the next relationship if its not so good i will. just takes practice yeah.
and theres no point giving him any mind. i dont need the memories or added guilt/anger.
we are humans. like a river we can move on, or grow stagnant in a pool...

i could start singing "i am woman" or "im a survivor". but id just be a stupid cheese :)
He doesnt know about my blog... so i could expose him right here and now?
every little embarassing thing about him...
Hahaha, nope. im a lady.
"Harden the F**k up" is the quote here in NZ.