mood: sad/stressed
listening to: Escaflowne - Mystic Eyes
eating: cold spagetti
over the last two weeks i have been quite stressed out.
My heart seems to be beating frantically every now and then.
I have much work to catch up on, in life and in my occupation. there are many people I have to call, and I dont like to make call outs.
This is strange, as I work in a call center... I should be ok with it?
But I'm not. Its not good you know?
If you dont do what is necessary, take responsibility, then things get worse...
such as being threatened to have your overdues sent to a collections agency...
oweing money, having bad credit ratings, oweing more money because of fines and cancellation fees...
I now have a list of 5 people to call...
Work is stressful. In that my back aches and there is sore 'crunchy' bits between my shoulder blades and on my neck/shoulders. Torrents of people calling because they are too stupid to realise that they are the cause of their high bills. complaints about not getting bills. followup's to complaints. sore eyes which are starting to loose focus.
Trying to enroll into University of Auckland, hoping with all hope to get in and live the even more stressful life of a student. the expectation that I will live in near poverty again. live in poor health and a poor diet. Struggling with keeping on top of studies. hoping to complete the workload expectations. Applying for studylink to help me out, and to juggle work and study together.
... my mother is going into hospital. sooner than expected.
She goes in tomorow, for surgery. Im not sure what to do. She wont be walking for some time after the surgery. @__@. She wont be able to live at her home, as it is all stairs. instead she will have to live on the shore with family.
I hate my cousin with a passion. I despise her and at times, her mother as well.
will likely have to move out of my flat to live with her for awhile to help out with things. such as cooking, cleaning, washing, morale?
If not, then to constantly check up on her house. public transport only.
I dont want to leave this flat.
Yes, I am selfish.
i already am susceptible to my own pathetic lows.
I wish I had someone to tell me to shut the fuck up and quit worrying like a wimp.
like my brother used to always do.
With his words I felt confident to shed those worries. with his big arms squeezing my shoulders and cuffing me on the chin i really could feel silly about my little weaknesses.
Start being more reasonable...
sometimes, so hard to smile.
I tell others to be positive. to write positive things. think positive things. do positive things.
I can hardly do it myself.
but lets try :)
1. smile, giggle, read jokes
2. go to canihasacheesburger (lol cats) :3
3. play happy music
4. talk to someone, ask them to tell you something good, happy. something good that happened to them.
I guess this really wont work, if you dont first let your feelings out.
...
(7.27pm)
Ive told CJ how I feel.
im feeling better now :)
im watching fruits basket. I feel better.
im just going stop here for now.
Hey... Sorry to hear about your mom I hope she is ok... and I hope you feel beter soon. Fruits basket is good but if you could find hanazakari no Kimitachi e in youtube for the japanese drama, I think that's even beter. I haven't seen the anime yet, but i have read the manga, it craked me up.. and I hope that could lift your spirit up, even just a little. Take care hun! XOXOX
ReplyDeletenom nom, i want to comment more haha.
ReplyDeleteIt's that time of the year again, just so you know, hence why things just get bad to worse.
the unfortunate fact is that we can't always get jobs that we want to be able to live happily with.. especially in the economy that we are in now.. New Zealand hitting th slums and all that
If you can't get into auckland uni, you can Honestly try for IPC, they do accept late enrollments if there's a special case (which i'm sure you can fall into that catergory) it's just the moving suddenly bit you may have to figure out ne?
School starts on the 18th of august if you're interested. you can take chinese and japanese here :3 all tho it might not be want you want now i think about it, but at least there's cross-accrediting these days.
anyways, don't worry about feeling selfish ne.. i mean.. it is your life and you know that one day that you have to drop everything and look after your mother ne? it's just that it's a bit too soon for you to do that... that's probably what you're feeling.
anyways, i can't offer words of advice or support because i don't know exactly what you're after, i just hope you can find that soon ^^ <3
love you mummy <3
- Your baby Chi