Mama and the Gym

I felt really awful, and really about time to call my mother.
I called her yesterday before coronation street started, and she was happy to hear from me :)
i feel much better now, thanks also to every one for their support, you are a lovely bunch :3
she's not up to much. life is much the same, just shorter work hours. Good to have that mama feeling back.

I was also called by Configure Express to ask why I havent been coming in...
well. the thing is, I dont really like gyms.
I have no flippin idea why i even bothered to get a bloody membership. with all that money i have been wasting i should have brought shoes and walked!
stupid, stupid dippy me!
Today I went to see them at 11am. The assessor was nice, i was initially expecting someone quite snotty? I lied and said that I had forgotten that I had a membership.
the truth is that I dont want to go. I want to sit on my ass and watch internet TV and read manga and do the occasional job.
I have low motivation that is for sure.
I also dont want to sit on my ass all day! Im so Terrible! Gyagh!
I jogged for 20 minutes, stretched, and felt way too lost to continue on with doing anything there.
I left and read my book. it was quite hot out so I had to sit in the shade or fall over. Feeling quite light headed today? or perhaps reading "Faust. Fiction and Manga from the cutting edge of Japanese Pop Culture" is putting too much interesting facets of philosophy in my dry brain that its a little heavy for the watering?
before my money dries up, i should line myself up a new job...
one that does not make me cry at the sight of the elderly...;_;...

i made my mother cry today.

that fool. that damned fool.
why cant she accept, that I will never take that bitch back.
that bitch, who unfortunately for our family line, holds the ancestral name, Your Name! And smears dirt and shame on it.

you watched us, as we grew together. we became our own, and now you can watch us fall apart.
there is nothing that her parents didn't give her, except strong boundaries.
and they still swarm to her to wipe her ass when she gets blown around in the storm she created.
Wasn't it you, who always told me to turn my back on those who do wrong?
how can you expect me to accept her as she is, when she is every thing Ive been taught to despise?
She makes her mother worry until it has affected her physically! Her father cries every time he rushes out to pick her up from her latest arrest/break-up/drug induced coma!
You don't even know the real reason why I don't have a scooter anymore. I wont tell, do you really need to worry? I wouldn't do that to you. She does it on purpose?
and for what reason? because she knows that they will clambour around to comfort her.
to help her justify her behaviour. Her Stupidity! So she will be happy to go back and do it all again.
She's Addicted to her drugs and stupidity.
she had two children. and you watched her try to raise them.
See how she malnourished them? did you hear that she used a table leg to hit her partner while he was holding her oldest? wasn't it you complaining every time we met what a bad mother she was? And now she's lost them.

Cry then. go ahead. Cry for the girl that died a long time ago.
Cry because she will never come back, and the only thing living in her skin is a demon hell bent on destruction absolute. a robot with a flawed single function that cankours on like a broken record over and over.
Quit your crying because I have rejected her. Just like she rejects us all as she takes each puff and breathes it in our face.
Do you know how much it hurts that we cant share our memories?
because when we die, that is all we are left with!

Third Time Lucky Break!!

A fortnight ago I went into St Marks Surgery to get my right hand operated on again.
Apparently the plate that went into my hand back in 2005 was wearing the tendons out that were rubbing over the top of them. ick.

I first broke the 4th and 5th Metacarpal bones (ring and pinky palm bones) back in September 2000 after being very drunk, young, dumb, and hitting the fence... lol
I broke it again in May 2005 after getting super frustrated at an ex one night and laying into a rocky part of a punching bag instead of him. after that i went to Middlemore hosp where they put plates on the bone, but never did anything to get it straight. and the Anesthetist was a real BITCH. I was lying on the operating table and she stabbed the anesthetic into the bone in my wrist. I yelped and tried to say "fuck!" but only managed the ffffff and was konked out. That left a massive bruise. I really should have had her up for that!

When I was working in C.S my hand would hurt really bad after typing for long periods. So I decided to see my Doc about it who refered me to Chris Taylor working out of Greenlane/Ellerslie. Hand surgeon specialist. got some xrays to shows off :) but they didnt scan too well??

Before the surgery


3x skinny plates to hold second break

After the surgery:

one skinny, one thick to splint the pinky bone. a lot of broken pins that couldn't be removed.
The screws were so tiny that they just break. I just hope the plates dont sliver up my tendons again (I bet you are going EWW! hahah high five to myself!)

The Dream where I cant stop the car...

I was watching Battle Star Galactica through our flat LAN last night and got to S2, ep 14 when Ryan unplugged his hard-drive totally canning the episode I was halfway through >:-(
I was too frustrated to wait for it to come back onto the network, so instead threw myself into bed and fell asleep with my MP3 player rocking off Kings of Leon.

I was dreaming again about driving in a car. well, I wasnt exactly driving, I just happened to be in the drivers seat. The car started to move, and I had to steer it so it doesnt crash. its not moving fast, more like moving on some sort of crazy momentum?
No matter what I try to do the brakes never seem to work, like Im not pressing it properly? it doesnt occur to me that the brakes just dont work!
I could be simply sitting in the car in a driveway or supermarket carpark and it would move?
I seem to have this kind of dream every couple of years. funny how I seem to remember it, amongst the many thousands of other random dreams that I do have.
Perhaps its when all the random dreams start to have some similar parts, that those common occurances when combined finally they are more memorable to me? Familiar. Recognisable?

I told Mom, she reckons thats there is something in my life that I dont yet have controll over.
That I better start fixing it?
But the problem is, what is it?

that I can be really pathetic and let it control me?
my laziness?
terrible string of relationships?
I am not that good at keeping friends unless they are close by?
That yes I am afraid of driving? (well not really !! o_o, i just prefer scooters or buses...)
I can never stick to one thing for a long time, i have to move up or move on? I dont know when im finished??
so much introspection I need to do :( . Maby i should do that mind map thingy..

~~~~~
EDIT:
Useless at keeping in contact with friends!
Useless!!

Paulie go Bye-Bye

Head Automatica

Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby

You, you want nothing to do with me
You, you want nothing to do with me
I, I don't know what to do with you
Because you don't know what you do to me

Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Beating hearts baby
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
Your beating heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby

You, you really got your hold on me
You, you really got your hold on me
You, you got to get away from me
Because you, you want nothing to do with me

Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Beating hearts baby
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
Your beating heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby

In spite of you
Even out of view
Still I love all of you
I do, yeah
In spite of you
Even out of view
Still I love all of you
I do, yeah
You want nothing to do with me
You, you want nothing to do with me

Baby, is this love for real
Let me in your arms to feel
Your beating heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby


ok well ive just thrown in the can another wasted relationship. With yet again another blue eyed horn dog (remind me to stay far away from blue eyed dudes with saint's names). yet, im feeling pretty stupid about it?
The above song i played like crazy after michael years and years ago. and pined and cried and felt uber lost, and slept days away hiding under the covers and searching anything about his name on the internet etc etc. its still a good song outside of that event.

it happened last night. i was about to sleep dreaming of paul when he txt me... then i asked him about him paying me back. I said something wrong, he said something racist, and i blew him up and ditched him like that.
its been 24 hours since he txt that.

hmm, analysing our relationship. i really should have just said "nah its not working out" and walked away from him earlier. so many signs saying "no he's a douche bag, now say ta-ta!". ahh but being so hot blooded i tend to ignore. the next relationship if its not so good i will. just takes practice yeah.
and theres no point giving him any mind. i dont need the memories or added guilt/anger.
we are humans. like a river we can move on, or grow stagnant in a pool...

i could start singing "i am woman" or "im a survivor". but id just be a stupid cheese :)
He doesnt know about my blog... so i could expose him right here and now?
every little embarassing thing about him...
Hahaha, nope. im a lady.
"Harden the F**k up" is the quote here in NZ.

musical love

im pretty much into Kings of Leon these days. a couple of weeks ago after physio I walked into Newmarket with the sole intent of buying "only by the night", the new album.
$65 dollars later I came out of the CD & DVD store with that and "because of the times".
So naughty. but I feel it was well worth it. Ive been blasting these albums and some of their earlier tracks almost every day since. Poor David is prob. getting sick of it :)
I love their songs, although I cant understand what Caleb is singing half the time and the lyrics are unto their own understanding and not so much to mine, there's a lot of passion and energy in the songs.
you can feel it in the guitars and drumming, not just in the singing.
I think I love them as much as Led Zeppelin. They're tops. Certainly beat out Foo Fighters (uwah sorry Dave!)


Soft lips are open
Knuckles are pale
Feels like you're dying
You're dying

orgasm anyone? lol :3