bunnies room

Friday 13 jan

2012-01-13T22:13:00.001+13:00

It was a lovely day today. I couldnt stop trying to do a madison to our old school music today, along with my high spirits in the windy warm weather. Enjoying a cider at the end of a hard days slog.

11 january

2012-01-12T00:16:00.001+13:00

Enjoyed my own slice of melbourne here in auckland tonight. After a caprienha and a singapore sling go visit our new downtown super mini market. Just like coles on elizabeth st. Feeling mighty content.

10january

2012-01-10T11:51:00.001+13:00

Im using the blogger app for my ipad,god its useless!

Saw sherlock holmes 'a game of shadows' last night with babtiste, rafaellas boyfriend. Just keeping him company while she is visiting her sick grandfather in the north of france.
Thats right. My best friend is french.
She helped me like insanely so much.

Without her i wouldnt be off the big anti-D's. Shes an angel, literally. What can you expect when shes named after one of the top three?

I should go and see irina, havent gone anywhere with her for so long. Something to enjoy in this overcast and rainy auckland summer weather....

26 July

2011-08-23T22:38:00.000+12:00

Notes from the past few days.

I went to a party with Michelle, a few hours after we were in the city dancing at 1885 with the French crew - Bruno and Giam's friends.
Although I've been hating on French people heaps lately, it feels good to be around them. Chatting. Not supre great but good. I'll stop being anti-French now. (try to)
I had on my left ring finger 2 rings that said 'love' and 'hope'.
I lost them because they slipped off my finger. I got 'love' back, but lost 'hope'.
At least i still have 'beleive'.

How Ironic.

Today I found a note I wrote for Ben "april 26 2011. the first 25 years are over. i am so looking forward to spending the next 25+ years with you ben"

I lost 'hope', but why did i find 'love' when i dont 'beleive'... irony..

Watched Blue Valentine. Lots of things that resembled me and Ben. Didnt cry. just felt miffed.

amy winehouse is dead (R.I.P).
I dont know why, but i always liked the song 'you know that im no good'. Do i love boosting my own negativity?

I replied to Ben's email. there isnt much use.

Talked to sheena about breaking up and that moving on is the best way. maby later on when they have grown they might want to get back together and be stronger? she listened to all i said and is with her boyfriend again. can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink...

watched 38 quai des orvetes ? Funny. the dead wifes name is Camille...

Working on myself everyday. Trying to be stronger. Working on life coaching and CBT therapies.
Immersing myself in things I love. Findout what if is I love and writing it down. Pursuing what Im curious about. Making myself ready for Melbourne again. And when I'm done there I'm going travelling again.
I can change opinions, its flexibility.
I'll get over you still.
I feel like I'm strugging... It takes 6 months right?

21 July

2011-08-23T22:12:00.000+12:00

A day or so ago i checked our australian bank account. I still have $246AUD left. I can give ben some of that, to help with the shipping.
One of the other accounts strangely has money in it.
Ben's been using it.
He's in Perth. I can actually see what he's been up to recently. God damn it.
I replied to his email by asking for a quote so I can help send it. I can receive it at the post office. He emailed back asking if he can send it through the post office? And that I have tow bags to receive. I forgot about the purple bag.
Well, I haven't replied yet.
Im going to take my time to word it well.
After I receive it back, I have no need to contact him ever again.
I feel, well, distant.

Like he is just a person.

Not a lover I had. Someone I ran my feelings for deeply. But there is a ghost of us still there.
Sadly.
This morning dreamt of him. With his hair dyed black. It was hideous.
I remembered grabbing his hand and dragging him into my old bedroom in Levin, I had to talk to him. I turned to close the door and when i turned back he had run away.
I was thinking about chasing him, but. It wasnt worth it.
He's too far gone.
I couldnt sleep properly after that.
Woke up later after CJ left, tried to do some work on drawings. Too weak, i have a cold. Its raining and windy again.
Seeing his email today I realised Im too happy to see them. He ends the email with 'take good care of your self'.
I king of have to hold back. I know he wont take me back anyway. Thats just something that jerk says so he doesnt feel bad. So he can keep friendly with his exes.
By the sounds of it he goes back to exes, like Camille.
The girl he would have been with if she didn't die.
Beautiful French Camille.
Who could have opened his heart, and instead haunts his consciousness.
I'm jealous of the dead?
Sure, because I'd rather swap than live in this pain.
God Damn. I was doing well at not getting myself down.
I met Ness Rachel and Shane last night. Its fantastic. i was sick and had a hot toddy. I loved talking about our many farewell drinks. But most of them had me and Ben together at those times. sad.
But, fun times.
It was somewhere around there that i declared to Ben that i want to be with him and I'll follow him anywhere.
I looked into his face sternly. I meant it, heart and soul.
But my head had plans to screw that up. Who knows what could have happned if I knew that would happen.
I'm sure he's used to letting chicks go. He had lots of girlfriends.
What am I? just one more. Guess that's what it boils down to.
If I think of it that way, doesnt it make it easier to let him go? The one that got away, rejected me.
Didnt want me.

18 July

2011-08-23T21:54:00.000+12:00

But it wont get me nowhere if I drown myself in hope.

Its nice not to be talking to him angry. Even laughing a little.
I still feel. He let me down.
I let him down too.
But there's something in his behavior when around others that killed my trust. Especially Marie.

I dont know what they did with eachother, but they can have it.
I dont need my stupid heart, and I dont need its suspicions.
A guy, that can make me feel so rejected around a certain girl.
He's not the one for me.

17 July

2011-08-23T21:52:00.000+12:00

Ben has responded to my email. the first email he sent was asking what i want to do with the joint bank account and my stuff. i replied that i dont hate his family but nice to know they hate me - he upset me not them.
to close the account and send the bag back.
he didnt reply so i sent him another email titled "on a lighter note"
if he throws out my things inc HDD - thanks for the identity theft, and home made porn video...
of course that email pissed him off enough to to reply angrily that he doesnt know why i think his family hate me, and that i think he's a dumb-ass for wanting to throw my stuff out.
but then i had my second councilling session.
and had calmed down somewhat.
i told him about riri telling me what she heard from Tony and mary. I thanked him for holding my belongings. Asked if i could have the scarves back, because i love those scarves, from his lovely mother. Francois was sweet. And thanked him, for pushing me into therapy. I am greatful to be able to do this. I need it so much.

I wanted to say more. But. We are over, and I'll admit defeat on us.
I cant ask for him back
I dont deserve him back.
So I ended it with simply 'I wish you all the best'... I guess I still had Adele still singing in my head with a line like that.
"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead..."
I can think of us, I'm sad but not confused anymore. I can say - who the hell was I? I dont recognise me.
the girl who admitted she wants to be alone, he walks off and punches the garage door while she carries on fighting off tears and feelings to do the shopping?
Regan - who the fuck are you?

Where did you go?

I got his reply today.
He feels what i heard was a mistake. How i feel for his mom and bro.
And us being in a pron hopefully to benefit... he got it!
he will send me the scarves when in France again.
Can I help send the luggage? Chichi and Felipe are pushing him. If i cant help then 'no worries'... He's happy for me to be safe and happy, glad i can see clear... take care.

It sounds so nice to read that.

16 July

2011-07-20T11:49:00.000+12:00

yesterday got up early but still was late for the therapist. stupid rain. it was too heavy for me to run properly.
the session was very good.
i now have a tool to help sort out my brain.
i am composed of 4 interactions with my world.
the body - your health and energy
the mind - thought processes
feelings - emotions
behaviour - how i act
each of these are interconnected and affect each other.
so if i cant stop thinking about something (mind) then i need to distract it with running (body) or something else.
the most important part is recognising when im doing things i'd want to change or in a situation i dont want to be in.
Andrew also said 'what ever you decide t odo different make sure it is small, sustainable, and manageable.
not something grand that you cant always do/handle.

its something that i wish i had done before. why did Kristy become bi-polar and why did i see no harm in gonig with her when my first change at being treated was the next day?
why didnt i rebook it?
if i had done that i wouldnt have made so many mistakes like i did and i'd be happlily picking apples with ben now.

its time to let go
old friends who just use. old memories. old habits. old me.
im starting new. i have no choice. i must.

in a quiet moment i asked myself what am i thinking feeling body and behaviour.
its negative to think i dont care about smoking.
if im over ben, then i should be thinking about myself. not smoking inspite of him. in spite of no chance at the future i wanted.
smoking often makes me think of him.
what reason do i have to quit?
im just not that interested in it anymore. gets boring.
sometimes feel negative.
sometimes hard to breathe.
theres nothing good about it except for socialising and killing some time.
i could ealisly do it without...
the only reason i smoked was because i dont want to live. to get old (alone) but i still have to fight for my dream. still have to persue my talkents and improve. and somehow make a living off it.

14 june (July)

2011-07-20T11:39:00.000+12:00

progress made. the last two nights me and CJ have been reading together a life coaching book. its helping heaps. its good to not do it alone and she understands. she likes it too. shes my sister for sure.
i dont like smoking on the deck anymore. reminds me too much of us in the deck chairs facing each-ther like in a bathtub.
our summer of love... too easy to want to make love constantly when we had the house to ourselves.
meowing over the balcony when he crosses the street and watch as he leaves to make sure he's safe.
meowing down to him when i go down to let him in after work. huge hugs. telling him that i have depression and him vowing to make me happy. making him late for work. waking up to have sex to put us back to sleep exhausted.

drawing something i like.
fairy tail and cats and chibi's. well, i had practive, then tore it up.
have to work hard on it. to accomplish something.
finish something.
finishing, was never one of my strong points.
maby thats why i find it hard to do/start things. cant imagine how good its going to be in the end.

i dreamt about nanny and mom going to see some fortune teller, i cant fathom why nanny would go there.
she and the male fortune teller told me to go outside/look outside - its raining. Confused i saw a man next to a drip from the roof and heavy rain (i thought i had to get him an umbrella so i tried to get him a deck umbrella)
i looked at the sky and then i saw lots of large jumbo-jet planes. they looked like they were going to collide like they cant see eachother (through the clouds)
then a light plane crashed on the highway infront of me and i screamed and panicked and wanted to help the people (then the other planes crashed into the field behind me)
odd dream
dont understand it
shouldnt look into it
might have another nightmare
and no ben to comfort me,
when i wake up crying...

13 July

2011-07-20T11:30:00.000+12:00

its been almost 2 months since we broke up
so much has happened within that time. i miss the fast pace i felt when we were in melbourne up to when i arrive in NZ.
everything is slow, and i have too much time to do nothing... as i am out of a job and living off favours.
i still have to take this opportunity and fill it with as much effort as possible so that when i get a job i've come so far, not that i will stop when employed. just accomplished, right now, all i can say is, that i havent buried my head. i am moving on as fast as i can and i can feel it.
June. it pains me a little to know he came back with a friend and will pick fruit and is going to move on with a new life.
i hate that he blamed my sadness on his family, and that they hate me and feel i have done them wrong.
dont get so up yourselves to not see its between him and me. nothing to do with you. i didnt want to involve you, but you were summoned by him. what else am i supposed to do?
fuck it - anyway.
have to beleive in myself from now on. have to repair what i value. work on these to strengthen me from inside.
that if ever, i fall anyone againor feel the desire to be intimate.
that ill beleive and trust myself to know when to go and when to put up a shield. To know that it wasnt worth it. to never listen to my heart. to trust my instincts.
i think just vowed to never love again?
i just dont think that there is anyone for me. anymore
i listened tomy heart when i met him, i even thought he was great. I should have known from the first time he treated me bad that i should never had gone back to him.
to never experienced so much love, affection, hope, dreams, desire, everything i ever wanted.
everything. i could of had.
i can do without being fucked around like that.
that i would fuck it up for myself. that he would leave me to myself. that someone like him, actually existed.

its no good, i missed the therapist tuesday and felt down eversince. but i see him friday. then one more session after. fuck.
somehow, i have to see my doctor. more pills.
i wish dearly, that oneday ill be off them. and able to be - happy.
free. flying. happy.
where i make me, happy.
and i know it trust me, love me, beleive in me.
one day. i'll be amongst the brave.

he hasnt emailled me back.
guess he couldnt wait to pick fruit.

10 July

2011-07-20T11:19:00.000+12:00

yesterday was my lat day at Massimo.
86 Bitches
then, did my last shop in the mall...
$90 later. more lingerie
ive decided, to to be sad about buying things to impress someone else. to worry that i dont have anyone to dress for. im goign to dress for me. to feel exy in my own skin and not have someone to make me feel sexy. but. i have to thank him. he gave me confidence about my body.

7 July

2011-07-20T11:17:00.000+12:00

yesterday i met with irina. its great having a friend who just wants to talk
she is having her own problems but we share them and do what we can to help eachother. it rained so heavily and blew so hard as we sat outside gloria jeans smoking. i think she wants me to look out of myself.
in russia they dont have time to be depressed.
they only can think about survival. no time for depression. just struggle.
we might meet up again sunday. she is meeting Tony and Marie with Rachel for dinner. Shes going to find out things for me. she doesnt have to.
i dont want to cling onto things that i cant hope about anymore.
cant wait just to hang out. i enjoy our time.

7 July
7th already?
its the second day of entering into my blog this journal.
im up to the 30th of june. im smoking about 4 a day now.
he emailled me from melbourne. he is at chichi's.
said he's sorry i dont want to hear from him but wants to know what to do with my things because they are moving out soon.
walking to the bus i wished to hold him again.
i breathe in the evening, and breathe you out with the memories i drown in smoke.
i breathe in heavily and feel a rush, im dizzy.

its late at night and the wind shreiks through my headphones, mechanical rattlings through the flag poles
makes this place so lonely and desolate, waiting for the bus to take me home-ways. have to listen to some upbeat music to keep it from flooding me with those feelings

Bens in melbourne already.
didnt want to stay here for too long. must have booked tickets back home. wants to knwo what i want to do with my belongings. i expect him to hold onto them for me to take them later.
i dont want to have to look at them. i wonder if i can just, live without them.
like i have to him.
a lost, that i just have to deal with.
objects that are tainted with the memories of us.

6 July

2011-07-20T11:09:00.000+12:00

im at moms overnight. just to pick up some pictures and finally put them up.
finish the picture i promised shane.
as always, i dont enjoy being here.
monday, i was supposed to go drink with the chefs. decided i didnt want to.
it was in takapuna.
i dont knwo them that much. i wont know them after this week. dont care.
i bumped into a friend.
stayed home. tuesday.
i went to myu therapist.
the place is very close to home. Andrew, is my psychotherapist.
he asked basic depression scale question.
asked about when i was with ben. asked about my parents.
i said why i want CBT. because i beleive just talking wont fix nothing.
I met Ben D after on vulcan lane. went into O'carrols. Verena's mother passed away.
cancer.

4 July

2011-07-20T11:04:00.000+12:00

dads birthday.

i decided to make today worth it with some effort.
cleaned the shower and washed clothes. bathroom feels so much better.
wish i could change the light though.
walked to the art shop in ponsonby as a reward. broght some pencils. a dust brush. and 2 kneaded erasers.
came home and watched claymore. but, felt so lazy after that had to try to go to takapuna but i dont want to.
so brought groceries.
i want to do poster art. i bumped into Kestin, twice.
he is still the same just thinner. going to meet him after his work we can go to Dr Sketchy together. talk and catch up.
i felt down when i had my coffee. really down. and i have to beleive it was because of ben somehow. a spartk of connection. remorseful though. he will be with tony and marie now. going to melbourne asap. apparently he has deleted Irina off facebook.
dont know why. he keeps his friends, deletes our friends.
same as i did...

~~

cj wants to take care of me as i did her.
i need to wake up then get a job here.

i have no choice but to become what i am supposed to be.
   artist.

lying in a deck chair,
feeling like ive been
sadistically tied to it.
im there in the sun,
like a decaying Edith Piaf

'take it easy' 'relax'
think he'd rather i
disappear
then deal with my
   presence

feeling disappointed
not to enjoy paris
like we should,
only to return to see
what he wouldnt show me.

trying to eat
the last meal
   at his mothers
    quickly to avoid
     the tears
but the taste overwhelms me
i am consumed
and uncomforted.
neither a hug or a tissue
from either of the
onlooking party

i held a fist to my heart
when we parted at the station
now i hold two fists to my eyes.

i imagine my insides blacken as i smoke away hope
for our future

a modern fool i am
allowing social media sites
to gauge our affection

im a fool to throw myself away
to try you on instead.
Disappointment.

who am i now?
who was i then?
who was i before?
what will i become now,
now my dreams of us,
overwhelmingly failed1

trying to live on, inspite of you
and without you
terribly without you.
knowing you are moving on
as fast as you can
with your lies
with the confidence i unlocked from you
my first session is tomorow.
i look forward to it.
dont let me down because im going to hate my doctor if you do.

2nd July

2011-07-20T10:52:00.001+12:00

yesterday was very eventful for me.
started work early and had a busy morning. then nadine came and made me mad. for a few minutes. when i finished she made me stay and talk. shes considering lettingme go. im sure its so she can save face. im certainly not doing a bad job. she doesnt beleive im living up to my potential and that im letting things hold me back.
shes right.
i now thing ill take her new offer up. seven days pay.
afterwards i met with jayy.
i was not too keen because of the last time we met but he knows better now. still brought me all my drinks and even dinner afterwards. and dessert.
it was great to catch up as friends and not awkwardly.
he was sympathetic to me and encouraged me to do writing again. he loved the blog i used to write.
he says i have real talent at it. i need to pursue my creative talents.
and take the time to heal and enjoy life.
take up something new.
after that i took a bus to k-rd.
and bumped into Guy. he was distant as usual. he was with Allie and ness'es flatmate.
outside of calender girls waiting to see the strippers. allie made me come up so seeing the strippers was really fun. i tipped a girl $20.
it was amazing.
then guy wanted to talk to me se we all left.
he apologised that he was so distant. i know, and i understand. However, i didnt know that he was heart-broken over me... and that the only way he knew how to cope was to tell
EVERY FUCKING ONE!
now, i forgive but, Ben D and Verena?
i didnt want them to know, most of all.
I never even told my Ben.
i put it behind me knowing that he was happy with Li.
way too many people know about it.
then as we parted he tried to kiss me again.
i said no. and i had just told i dont have a heart, nor do i even want a relationship with anyone or just casual fucking.
as i crossed the street i knew he was going to do it again.
so as soon as i heard feet running my way i pretended to do a crane stance. he kissed me anyway and i said go home!
silly kid - i told him to do what he said and chase li to Germany.
Damn it. i didnt want him to still have feeling for me. especially when i dont for him. he's just my good and true friend.
i talked to cj about bing possibly let go from massimo. she said quit and live at home.
the invitation is tempting.
i may take her up on it.

this moring sheena was arguing with her boyfriend.
i think she can do better. he's a kid. he sounded so immature.
he left after they argued. i gave her a cigarette and tried to comfort her.
im working at the moment. on my break.
i really want to leave this place. i dont care to work for them or with them.
i would like to create a zine with my writing and drawings.
of course, the initial content will be 'love-sick'

Ben should be on the plane now. got no idea if he is coming back. I would like and beleive him to pass me by.
i have had no word or story from him. i know he's cried. but wont care soon. happy that me, the huge weight on his shoulders is gone.
i miss kissing his body, when its warm. soft.
i liked to scrub him in the shower hoping that it had some therapeutic effect to ease his stress.
i beleive i had a dream about arguing with him.
then i woke up and forgot.
flowers are sad to me now. full of regret, meant for those that are unhappy.
lament. lament. lament.
need to be stonger in myself before i take on australia. to be better than new zealand.
i already am.
but to prove it.
i want to draw, grow.
to paint and create.
i need to take a break now.
Empress.
with time off i could so something for doujin overload.

i hate this job too.

29/30 June

2011-07-20T10:34:00.000+12:00

im really not enjoying work.
its CJs birthday
all i got her was a scarf.
however of all the things i found, it was perfect.
she was very happy.
i got home and we went to gateau house, chocolate shop then starbucks.
couldnt eat it all. too much.
i decided to go on facebook (when we got home soon after)...
i realisedd that ben had de-tagged himself from most of our photos.
that he took the time, to distance himself from me.
hurt.
hurt so much.
that i de-tagged and deleted.
i cried. cj, my sister.
my angel. comforted me.
gave me tissues.
listened to me.
re-assured me.
loved me and helped me enough.
to take another step to move on.
so i asked her to be there with me as i wrote him, on chat, that i too am distancing myself, that although it hurts, i have to move on.
i deleted him despite the little he could say to wait.
i deleted our albums. photo's. de-tagged (from friends photos)
i hope im stronger when i wake up...

30 June.
connection - gone.
he wont email me. he never does.
all i have to do now is forget.
forget i was loved so much.
forget about love completely.
friendship, is all i can count on in this life.

26 June

2011-07-20T10:20:00.000+12:00

I saw marcelino one day on my way to the bus. he didnt know but was aware that i was in france.
i promised to see him again.
last night i left my FB chat on. Ben said 'hi regan'
i replied 'ben?' ... with no response in 5 minutes i said fine and closed chat. finally replied he was eating. bastard.

ive tried to heal myself in this time. waiting for the bloody psychologists to call me. i need an appointment. im aware that the date we were supposed to arrive back together is next weekend. and im still torn up...

i might provide my own salvation yet.
i feel so hideous that ive been working on updating/re-inventing my image.
im 26 now. i feel more adult than i ever have in my life.

i went to boarders several times and found consolation not in breakup or relationship books, which i have been loathe to pick up. i dont want to concentrate on why we broke up or how we miight have been able to resolve our problems. i found a better approach in a book called 'pleasure, an almanac for the heart', and a sex kittens handbook.
the sexkitten book i purchased. ive been reading it and feeling more confidence, or awareness of what i can actually be capable of.
then i couldnt help but remember our first kiss.
did i do all those things that the book was saying was flirting?
did i lift my eyebrows at him so he could fall into my dialated eyes?
did i touch my hair, chest, and hips to indicate thats where i would like to be touched? was he attracted by my scent?...
i remember i couldnt help but want to hug him. then shyly, slowly pulling back, i think i wanted to brush my nose with his, eyes checking his then looking down. we kissed. long. over and over. uncontrollable.

after the pleasure of that thought sadness rushes in and i realist where i am now. -without.

in the handbook. i realise that i was hoping for a fairy tale. that i was with him to make me whole. that my depression would be replaced by our love and happiness.
i didnt understand why it failed but now i see that my own completeness, was all along inside of me.
and that relationships are not to give away your independence and contentment but Simply to share your happiness and love.

there are so many things i wish i had known beforehand. i would love to have had a sucessful relationship ben. and i always will.

right now im working on getting over him. its hard and my chest gets tight and my eyes still water. cant wait to get to that chapter on it (breakups)

the book says you can work on the inside you by working on the outside you as well. it says clothes are the furniture of the mind.
ive indulged in black too much, not only for work reasons either.
however the clothes that i have purchased are finer.
some items may have been more expensive but they suit my more 'adult' tastes just fine.
i wear makeup more tuned than before to accentuate my eyes and mouth.
to to attract but to find myself more beautiful.
i just had to buy a satin night dress to sleep in. i wear ugly clothes to bed but i want to change that feel sexy as i sleep.

most importantly, its teaching me how to feel on the inside. confidence comes from within.
This is all the things i lost while with Ben. none of it is his fault. its mine for not knowing and being unaware that i was loosing these things. its mine for not aspiring to be these thigns and fearing to live my dreams and finding it easier to help with his.
its my bad luck for never being taught these things.
its my bad mentality thats frightens me away.
Ben I'm sorry.
I realise.
I cant say you were right to say fuck you.
but now i have been given the key to step back,
and see. Finally!

we cant fix us now its too late. you in my mind are so far gone, even to someone else. cant fix what broken.
ive too much guilt and memories and emotions.

plus, i dont have a heart..

damn it. ive reached a part in the book where i cant read no further.
the 'single kitten' chapter was too short.
the communication part stopped me.

it says 'love' is a powerful word.
and the fact that he said 'love' to trish, is powerful that he wrote it on FB, for all to see.
doubles it.

good bye temporary good feelings...
fuck you again ben.

Part 3

2011-07-20T09:57:00.002+12:00

Finally moving on,
wether to live,
or die.

25 June.

2011-07-20T09:56:00.000+12:00

i deleted all out friends off FB except Johnny.
he was my friend.
i got very drunk last night.
didnt stay very long. it was good seeing michelle, giam and anne. And, for the first time, baby Kate.
(this was at long room ponsonby for michelles birthday celebrations)
saw Jooa yesterday as well. she heard.
thursday went for a long walk with irina. talked about it alot. its easier to not cry about it.
dreamt this morning about wanting to float in water, my head just above the water. but some assholes kept crowding me and i could beat them up so i had to keep moving and telling them to piss off. i was enjoying floating.
the connection is gone.
hes got someone else now to forget about me.
(im) too clingy.
i hate you ben.
its over.

21st June

2011-07-20T09:52:00.002+12:00

i want july to pass.
21st June
its going to be hard knowing he was here, and passed me on.

19 June

2011-07-20T09:51:00.000+12:00

Just finished work. earlier i broke down today. nadine came into the office and found me crying. probably already knew. last night was hard for me. took me out for a smoke and let me know that she was feeling she had put too much pressure on me.
too much too soon.
considered what i had been through before i came here. I just need to gain my independance back. gain back my self reliance. i know now, that i had given too much of it to ben. i had been for the last few years supporting myself and others. then i found ben and thought karma was going to give me it all back. so i started to fall on him for all my support. I fell bad.
and thats why he snapped.
nadine said thats what every woman wants from a man. someone to just rely on and support them.
she doesnt like him much.
the other day she said that she was surprised when she found out i was going out with him. said i was too good for him. i never thought that. i thought i wasnt good enough. perhaps i am now... cheating fuck.
i feel too much. too much to want anyone near. to feel love or just a fuck.
i feel too broken up to allow anyone in.
he said i was his wife.
i just accept that its over.
cant do anything about. cant fix whats broken
and we are broken.
cant love each other again.
and i still dont want to live without him.
i dont want to live.
im falling for too much trouble.
im already spending more than i earn. i brought a packet of cigarettes today. i stopped because i wanted us to live a long life together.
i was finally happy to think about living. about becoming old. I had found someone!
... someone to be old with.

17 June

2011-07-19T23:50:00.001+12:00

dreamt abut him this morning. why he wouldnt have sex with me?
said he just cant.
i asked if it was because he was sticking it in someone else? said no, he just cant. hes keeping his promise to me, am i going to therapy?

i woke up soon afterwards. realised it was a dream.
fuck you stupid bitch its over dont dream fucking bullshit like that to fuck your self up.
you are a dumb bitch.
he doesnt want you back. Period.

truth be told. im not worried if i die. people will move on from me.

15 June

2011-07-19T23:47:00.000+12:00

Cj is there constantly looking after me.
she said to me that 'its my turn now to look after you'
thats what ben wanted to hear from me
'ill put it on your tab'
i keep catching myself smiling over the past.
have to stop myself.
there is no hope
talked to Irina yesterday. she said that tarun works in the orbit kitchen sometimes.
if so then im never goign back there.
text ness about it.
we might see the new manager Steve about it.
im just going to see.
i dont want to if things arent right.
will meet with Irina monday to skate to mission bay or rockclimb in onehunga.

~~~~

this evening i have gone drinking with new work mates. caught the 10.45 bus home from albany. its been good getting to know them. i was supposed to meet Steve from Orbit but he has not replied to ness. so will have to another day.
im happy. working with who i am working with now. however the money is not good enough.
need hours.

12 June

2011-07-19T23:41:00.000+12:00

one month ago we were about to leave for NZ.
im empty. unhappy.
rejected. feeling no connection. there was one.
it wasnt just co-incidence.
everyday. is just. automatic.
there is no feeling. underlying it there is a ghost of me.
how i was.
i already know its over.
why havent i just killed myself?

because i need revenge.
to tear him apart.
i loved you.

im starting to think writing in this is not helping.
hes never going to know my pain.
i'll have to do this alone.

13 June.

i was born in autumn.
i was born when things die.

9th June

2011-07-19T23:38:00.000+12:00

going to job trial in albany
Su called, cant get me into therapy untill July. she called last night.
Wednesday i did nothing in partifular. went for a run in the drizzle.
it was raining. got some groceries and a coffee.
thursday waited for cj to come home. do something.
then i went to the pools.
exhausting. it felt alright.
after met irina at mexican cafe and it was good.
she heard me out and suggested things we both must be feeling.
went to her house then walked to soul together.
she then went to her class.
me and ness talked, went to sales street. i remembered the last time i went there with her, to farewell ben for queenstown. (stupid)
talked. walked home.
it means...
i wont have gone to therapy by the time ben comes back. by the time that lying son of a [gun!] arrives back.
ness said to let her know so shes on call.
she has been through tough times too so knows that im doing good going to therapy.
~~~

rocked up to my trial. nadine in effect - awesome as always. totally awesome management. will work for her.
people are onto it, no stress.
chatting about the good old days, getting up to speed on the situation.
she has a lot of faith in me.
go the job. start 1- tomorrow untill 5 and riding there and back with kerstin.
everyone loved my shirt.
have to start a collectiong of shirts and pants.
new umbrella, shoes, lash extensions...
already told nadine i might be going back to melbourne. persue an art career.
a dream we had.
a love. no longer. acheivable.

God really wants me to die alone.

i hate bus journeys. too long, too much time to think.
too much waiting.
definately getting a car.
thinking about ben saying that he wants to go back to france December for xmas. i wasnt sure.
we'd have to stay in mebourne or adelade just to make the money again. i wanted to travel with him.
see australia together.
i think i might have disagreed, or said he can go to france without me?

i got angry at him once simply because he phrased something wrong.
he pointed to a girl running once and siad we can run with her.
we can beat her.
i took it as he wants to run with her and not me.
he meant to say it like one day we will be jogging just like her as motivation for me.

im still anry he hasnt replied to me, and that message that he sent to trish.
did he have to say 'miss you' twice.
like - fuck you regan.
i dont miss you.
i miss her.
i'd rather fuck her.
   i want to kill you.
hurt you.
   maim you.
   Destroy You.

You Liar.

7 June

2011-07-19T23:22:00.000+12:00

talking to jinyi. it seemed i poured out what i could, looked at it in different perspectives.
she listened to it all.
she held my hands the entire time.
she then spoke to me. how maby he wasnt the one, how she had to leave her boyfriend. to trust in God he doesnt ask for anything in return. pray.
   i should have written it down straight after. she said so much. my hands were numb in her warm hands.
my tears dried on my face. i will meet with her sunday and go to church with roxanne as well.
afterwards we shared a steak sandwich and chips.
i walked her to work.
she really saved me there. she made me feel better.
then i decided to go to $3 japan (now daiso)
on the way there i saw someone that looked like michael... (my ex from several years ago)
my heart beat fucking mad and i had to get out of there fast. went to boarders and got a womens health mag. i didnt check the contents, but it had a guide/story on Depression.
thankful.
walked home. not thinking about the night we walked up the hill with cj after a party.
jinyi's effect was starting to wear off, and i was starting to think again about throwing myself off the balcony.
   alone at cj's laptop...
and cj called to say she is coming home.
slept around 10 or 11pm.
woke up today around 4am and never went back to sleep. at sunrise i went for a jog around victoria park. felt good. shower. prepare for the day. go to bank deposit $1040.66 after exchange of australian, euro and cheque money. wait to get wax done.
buy black shirt from Cue.
buy things from pharmacy and meet up with rachel unexpectedly.
lovely rachel. who hears me out over coffee and cake.
she had to run at 3pm for work. i feel a bit better after that but cant eat all of the cake. irina said to her that ben was not the same when we were last here. he was quiet.
now that i think about that, its true. and a day before we were at chichi's.
trish had dropped us off. and ben was all over me.
   or was he?
what the fuck am i to do?
"thats a bit rough of him"
i said that i was depressed
i did things on impulse to him and i didnt mean it.
i said things i didnt mean
maby he had enough
i dont know why he said fuck you.
rachel said we can meet on saturday and do something.
i can choose what we can do.
im going to walk home and get ready for Dr. Sketchy.

6th June

2011-07-19T00:25:00.000+12:00

guess i didnt make time to write yesterday. i woke up maby 5am. couldnt sleep.
cj came in around 7.30 and wanted to use her laptop so i asked if i could stay with her because of the thoughts in my head...
yesterday i woke up early, watched ai no exorcist. then move onto fairytail. was too late to go to meet nadine.
to text her but she hasnt gotten back to me. me and michelle met up and i spilled.
she had talked to him on facebook. of course he didnt say anything bad. said that we would always be there for me like a friend.
i said if i cant have him back no i dont want him as a fucking friend wht the hell! i dont want to know him like that, a lover then just a friend? a life partner then just back off from what we had? thats not how it works. i dont give a shit how you dont want to lose people anymore because if there is no hope for us, you've lost me.
for good.

she gave me false hope when she said 'it sounded like he was worried that you dont want to get bacck together with him'.
cant put hope into those words. but i cant put doubt into him not wanting to be with me again.
like he promised. im keeping my end good.
im going to see a doctor. im keeping promises.
he said to her that i just didnt trust him. he doesnt know why. i dont knwo why.
we went to neighbourhood bar for dinner. talked. went home. gave her the perfume i brought duty free.
slept. and now im writing again at 7 in the morning.
today i have t sort my c.v. then cash this cheque. sort my banking. get my legs waxed to go swimming tomorow. lok at membership maby? get my shoes from mum. if michelle is not busy go visit anne. meet her baby.

i just remembered. before going to france. arguing with ben, about him needing space?
because when we go there's not going to be much chance of that. why did he go on about that? why did i?
i said i was going to be worried about not being able to talk with anyone.
he need to translate for me so i dont feel left out.

just on facebook getting photo's for print. did something bad by going on ben's profile. he said to trish 'miss you, want to say 'shot black', love and miss you.
FUCK!
i dont trust you. how can i. i felt metal in my mouth. i emailed him just aking if he will keep his promise. im having doubets. its hard to stay positive.
i dont want to be with my mother who i consider a failure. negative.
this is hell.
very close to just ending it. so close.
feeling numb.
i thing the antidepressants are coming in.
evil, empty feel.
ben must hate me being so obsessed with him.
that bastard. im doubting so much. i cant stop it.
im sure he was happy. im sure she loves him that much.

~~~

at coffee club with jinyi.
feeling so much better because she knows. and she loves god.
will write again after

4th June

2011-07-19T00:04:00.000+12:00

i thought i lost this book so from 5 am this morning my brain wouldnt shut up and let me be. i couldnt stop think about what i did to make him snap?
i kept trying to think of ways that i could have reacted instead of trying to slap him. about sitting with him and instead trying to get a clear mind. i no longer can see things from the outside. no longer clear to me. my fog of depression.
i tried to change my thoughts to my future. then good times we had popped in.
then thinking about meeting him in the future. breaking down because i want him back, him proposing to me. some dramatic movie scene. something stupid. something hopeful.
i drafted a email yesterday to ben. i asked if he could say something nice to me..
looking through my textes and seeing that almost every text from him said 'love you'. how could i forget. why the hell do i forget!
it almost timelines things. like when we had fights, to meeting people, to when we had good times.
i have the sent messages and received messages. i miss him so much and he has put up with so much. i dont think anyone wants to go back to that.

i dont want to be up and down. i want happy days with ben.
i see in the bathroom here where i wrote in lipstick - 'Save water - save the planet'
he wrote meow, kiss & fly.
so ben, is still here, in this apartment. my old bed i sleep on again. didnt notice the springs were this bad?...
i remember the times we fucked constantly here.
before he went to work anytime in the morning
the stains on the carpet
our first time "noisy"
us sitting on the cane porch chairs like in a bath tub and enjoying the sun.
enjoy eachothers company.
i wish i didnt forget so easily.
i hate myself. for, not just 'Taking it easy'. like he always told me.
i just started on my pills again. its a miserable day with crap weather. i wonder what ness is doing for transport?
cj is looking for jobs.
yesterday rendon dropped me off here he also took me to the doctor. he is so clear thinking that i just felt stupid with the things that i was worried about. i told him that my depression started when he left home in levin. and how the pressure of being alone with mum and dad got to me. not having his protection.
i talked to doc su domingo.
she listened to me and asked lots of questions.
she said when she saw me in july i was a bright sucessful woman.
she could see that we were in a troubled relationship.
she stayed emotionless.
charged me for overtime when she made me answer all her questions...
will the therapist be the same?

i dont know why its so hard to step back and see whats going on? its like i just trip on my crap. fall onto my problems. ive walked myself in.
i want to talk to him.
i want to try and keep us together.
ill try. to talk. because i still love him.
and i beleive in us.
how we were at the trainstation.

3rd June

2011-07-18T23:49:00.000+12:00

(when im still supposed to be with ben until july in france)
i missed two days writing in transit, and nothing when home.
i felt so happy on the plane. i was going somehwere. i was positive. landed, duty free, exit with a tube of pringels from france oops...
brendon and mum got me.
home to te atatu. tired. nap.
crying in mums bed. make call to threekings a&m.
will go see my doctor today to recommend CBT therapy.
nap again, mum and i go henderson groceries. From paris to henderson. a fucking dive. i never thought i'd hate seeing these people so much. its a shithole, utterly a dive, depressing to thing about. home, organise money, then we go to aunties. no crap given. renaye. met the kids again. zion and cumora look so alike. zerin looks like renaye. cumora play fights lots with zion. im just bewildered by the children. i cant interact with them, i dont know how.
they are much bigger than before.
they talk and are very smart.
its fucking cold here. shitty.
after being forced to eat it made me tired and i slept in the lounge.
uncle the same as always.
me mom and brendon shopped at farmers. i got things....
we got home, i got the new couch ready to sleep on and we are all asleep.
i woke up after dreaming. i had to go toilet. im frustrated...
cant sleep must write.
check email. ben does not have my cheque. need to check my insurance folder.
kidney hurts?
still angry at ben. still, feeling... crap.
i look at photos of us and feel nothing. i look at his eyes and feel no emotion. distance.
Seoul, Paris... empty.

on the place saw the most beautiful sky. i thought the clouds were bloody because i could see a strip of pre-sawn blue sky. but the pink red was the horizon. strip of black cloud above and the blue sky above that.
amazed.
alone.
told bren im on antideressants.
i have been off it since wednesday. i dont feel the need for them. not right now. i need to allow some of the demons to get out.
i hate this area, i dont know if the apartment will be better.
last time it looked like shit.
and i cant stay there. i need my new place. that will have to wait. after at cj's ill start contacting everyone.
nadine, michelle, eugene, ness, irina, mary-mama-hen, ryry.
if i see ben again, maby in 4 weeks. will i have started seeing the therapist? im going to avoid having my period. too much hassle. i dont know what to write now my brain is blank.
im writing crap. but is what this book is about.
to get it out.
jesus, got me back to this shithole, no.
it was just you. your idiocy.
you you you. i dont need to hear how sucessful everyone is i just need to fix me and work on me. i need to clean me. fix me, work on me.
i want to move in with ness if possible. expensive but better. ill see whats going on. get another scooter i thinkg because cars are too expensive. see what nadine has for me and get to it. get a motor-bike licence. cheaper. i have freedom. a small car would be great. freedom. i need it. yes accident before but nmow need freedom not dependance. need to get to where i need to go.
i need money, beed to get rich, need to get better.
need to paint and illustrate.
need my head fixed now. now. now.
today i want to wax my legs, tomorrow swim. Newmarket.
my mind is drifting again.
this is something that happends when im depressed.
when i was trying to listen to ben and suddenly my mind would wander and ben would feel like he's wasting his breath. we were walking hand in hand down flinders street and he's saying something. i say 'what'? and apologise because i couldnt concentrate on what he was saying for some reason.
i dont know why i did this. ben was ok with it to begin with i suppose.
i liked walking with him, we would swap hands and it would feel weird.
i loved how our hands would automatically search for eachother. hould out for each... but there were times, walking with others that he wouldnt do that. or the hold would suddenly be loose around someone...
i would feel it. not know what he felt for that person, wether he wanted to show that he was not that attached to me.
i thought that and sometimes would take my hand away on purpose. put it in my pocket, forld my arms.
when did i do that last?
i cant remember. i think.
yes. i had a red coat on that i was to give to CJ.
he wouldnt hold my hand automatically around Mary.

Why?
i just dont understand. i know he had feelings for her. im not stupid.
i felt, jealous. we made love somtime when we got back to auckland but. i dont know if it was because he didnt shower, but he smelt different.
we landed in auckland from melbourne . finally i get to tony and mary;s and we fuck in the shower.
the next day, after i had to go to the city to see sj at starbucks and then catch a bus back.
we go out. come back. he smells.
he had been with mary all day. dont tell me not to be suspicious.
im not a detective but some things stick in your mind for some reason.
this is one of the trust issues i need to see the doc about.
is my feelings my depression talking or gut instinct.

ben, i want to beleive in you.
i dont understand what is that makes me not.
and i will not trust anyone because of this.
what it is you didnt do.
what it is you did.
consistency.
we both are inconsistant.
the way you were with me around the boys.
the way you were with me around mary/home(france)
i cant see how i was. at these times.
you hardly told your friends about me, i dont think you told them we broke up unless over the phone. i wanted to know more about your friends.
maby im being hypocritical?
i guess i didnt tell you much about my friends.
who are limited. i told you about CJ, Eugene. you know ness, guy, libussa.

oh ben, you dont know how much i crying. just over you. i might as well just fucking end it because i cant stand the idea of no you. i really cant.
im only here because you said you would take me back if i saw a doctor.
im trusting you on that but its hard when i know you are over there doing whatever you want. you can do what ever you want.
i hate New Zealand!
You shitloe fuck you forever get hit by a earthquake and sink you dirty bastard.
i hate here without you.
i want melbourne back.
i do. i want to be in your arms. and never ever ever leave them again. never.

you said look back on your sucesses. people congratulating you. my biggest sucesses sure to come when im with you. Art, relationship, a home. your sucesses were my sucesses. and mine yours.

i have heard nothing from trish and chichi. did they just not like 'us' either. they love you.

i need to see cj asap.
i want to tell her everything.

sleep. watch movie...

31 may

2011-07-10T19:56:00.000+12:00

i'll be home in 24 houirs around on the 2nd june nz.
currently waiting on a shuttle driver to come pick me up. 11.30. michelle cant pick me up so bren can. he emailled me back almost instantly. so, dont know will be meeting him possibly natalie.   i couldnt
   i cant keeping doing this to myself.

i need back
HDD, bag, books, paper, uniform, broken laptop
definately dont need my heart back. whats the use of it.
i dont need a heart. i dont need emotions.
who needs a heart when a heart can be broken'
'just thought you were the one'
i hate love, i hate lovers, but mostly
i hate me
i hate myself
i hate who i have been,
i hate who i will be.
i hate this life. just when i thought it was getting better i get brought back down to the bottom. and i dont want to climb. i want to burn. burn into nothing, and erase my existance.
humans suck. emotions are a fucking stupid concept.

one door opens, another door shuts.
i opened your heart asand you closed mine.
i never want to love again
and now i resent you for giving me nothing
are you happy?
bastard.

the shuttle man came at 11.15, 15 min early. i cried when i said why i dont liuke paris.
he picked up other passengers
i got to terminal 2E late...
even then, my name want listed for the flight. my details had not gone through yet. i cired, badly. they couldnt help me so they sent me to air korea's desk.
closed. not open untill 6pm.
i went to find a phone and called ben to tell him im stuck here and the phone ate my 2euro gredit and hung me up.
i broke down. i couldnt care less that i was crying so badly in public because, i was so fucked.
a man asked if i needed help and actually said yes.
a dgirl also came to help and comfort me. they both tried their best to help me. i couldnt do anything. i was stuck and hopeless. Anne helped me to calm down, the man kept calling for what he can do for me. finally, he saved me. i now have flight out of her, 9pm. check in 6pm and leave on the same connecting flight in Seoul.
I hugged him and thanked him and there is still nothing i can do for these people that helped me. me and anne talked. helped to make me feel better.
im definately going home to hide for a long time.
i thought i was ready for change but with no support i dont want to do it.

ok, i have around 3 hours to kill. i have around 3 hours to kill. so ill write about things i need to talk about.
my break up
oiuir relationship
maby past relationships
my parents separation
my brother leaving
my selfishness
my inhibition towards most people
my emotions controlling me
my depression hindering me
how i treated ben
how i felt he treated me
suicidal feellings
wanting to be a different person
no motivation to improve my skills
how my hirsuism used to make me feel
how i fully depended on ben
my forgetfulness
being tired around him, being ok on my own
saying that i will kill myself if i dont have him
unable to concentrate or think about the same thing

... buy a mirror, you are disgusting.
when i get home im going to pluck wax shave and make an appointment.
then go swimming. regularily.
maby try to wear makeup. colour
i hovered around the terminal thought about buying things. didnt. went on the internet. after waiting a few hours. ben came online? we talked about what went wrong with the flight.
i said sorry, i cant stand talking to you now, it still hurts.
'have a safe flight'...

i left france so happy to get away. watched a bit of Rango then decided to sleep.
i got lost in the korean airport and disappointed i couldnt go shopping there. but happy to be on the plane. i cant stand looking at couples. because i dont beleive i;ll ever enjoy one ever again. i doubt ben wants me. i hate french people now. i never want to learn the language. and next time i go overseas its with a friend instead. no boyfriends. i dont even want another relationship.
when i get home im going to hid in my bed from the reality that ben is gone and that we may never be together again. eventually ill come out. a 'nuit papilon' with ugly colours. never to enjoy the colour of your love. bask in the sun to be admired. i just need my friends. i love them so. my 'family'. i so disappointed i missed out on being with my family. i really want to be with renayes kids. ill get a car and visit. ill stop being scared of driving. i cant have kids but should be there for my family. i hate losing the opportunity because of me. i feel so normal now but htat bitch depression lies low inside. i want you out slut!

im sitting in the place to auckland. i have 8 hours to kill. could speep but could also write/spill my brains. enjoying traditional korean music. i wonder if bren and nat are on good terms. will stay together? also, im wondering about moving to korea?
getting a job there. in something. hotel receptionist?
already had practive talking to non english people. can catch onto words quickly.
its just having to read hangeul that will hard. pronounciation -? no problem!
turbulence!
hard to write at the bottom of this book.

dont know how im going to face my mother. i dont know what brendon has said to them.
after what she said to me. and then eventually playing that out to fruition?
bitch
people should shut their mouth or tell me good things in the likelyhood that it will come true...
i siad about him that his frustrations are simply his fuel and he shouldnt change because its propelling him to greatness and not nothing. at least he has the drive to excell. now he knows he's good. now the fucker might not take me back.
opened your heart and mind?
while my heart beat too hard and my mind went crazy.
you push me away. literally.
'ill help you' - to go.
to get out your life and be nice about it so you have a clean consciousness.
be cold then.
   how come i keep saying that>
   can i still beleive you loved me? you stayed with me. you were about to go but saw me and came back up the stairs and stayed.
can i trust in us at the train station?
i want to beleive.
that the nightmare of being alone is just that: a nightmare and not reality.
i cant wait till the tratments and sessions with the doctors are over. i just want to be rid of my self.
Be the person i want to be.
perhaps, no... - its true.

listening to M-Flo, missed them.
headphones/player is so bad!

i want to be independant, have fun and be fun.
clean, tidy, beautiful.
not anxious constantly. shy, unhappy, overwhelmed and sorry.   stuck, dependant, unhelpful.
moaning, want apologies for no reason just to make me feel better. cant fthink of what it is what im doing to ~~ben~~ other person
im going to sleep now. wake up over nz i hope.

30 may

2011-07-07T21:34:00.000+12:00

i fell asleep. too tired to get up at 11.30 to go back to the internet. i woke up at 5:??am to get on the internet. Michelle was able to get me a flight out tomorrow at 1.30pm short stopover then carry on. updated faceboook.
still nothing from ben.

later in the day kept going through doubts. about him of course. why de doesnt want to marry but just be to gether?
im sure he wont stay single/not be with anyone else
he said he wont butwhy cant i beleive it? Yes ben if i cant trust me, i cant trust you. i need to see a doctor about that ok.
im thinking about my recovery.
i'd like a dog, and a car.
a house for me . a garden. somehow to settle in again.
i think im ok being, living alone now. esp if i had a dog.
a cat would be lovely too.
but a dog mostly for exercise.
i dont know how im going to get soem of my things back.
i dont know what ben will do buit if anything he will now stay in melbourne. probably fuck trish. why do i think that. hated eachouther at first then respect to saying 'love you'.
that was me that got them to be friends. my fault.
my ben, in love with someone else.
you were my ben. and i doubt you want me back.
everytime i think about it my heart breaks more. even though there isnt much to break anyway.
i just dont understand!
why didnt he try to make up?
he said he knew me! why!
why did he start to drift away from me here in france?
i just dont get his feelings of coldness now.
im crying. again. over another failed relationship and more wasted time. feelings and emotions that wont be given back. time stole them.
i thought i could make it with him and. it just failed. fucking failed.
i cant forget the love i gave so willingly.l trusting it to be always the glue.
fail.
i just want you back.
are you a habit now?
what am i going to do to get over you
when, when will this pain of you just go away! i never wanted to break up and i never wanted to loose you.
and... i never wanted to beleive that you never wanted to be with me.
maby someone should just clone your mother for you.
im going home alone.
no one to hold hands with.
kiss happily. find comfort with.
who will comfort me?
im starting to feel like i dont want to waste a doctors time and just fucking end myself.

and maby thats why i need a doctor
im starting to forget my beleif in you. us at the trainstation. what we did to be happy and hopeful.
Youre heart!
you said i was your heart.
when you took my kiss and held it to your heart
ok, i remember.
feelings of doubt. slowly leaving. yes i need a doc.

i dont have much feeling to record today but it was beter than yesterday and now its easier to recognise where im going in paris.
i walked from the hostel to the boulevard heading to the pantheon. i headed towards st michel, st germain, and found the notredame. i felt the need to go there. i took a audio tour. enjoyed it.
mum would have loved it.
walkewd in the direction i came and felt something was familiar about he area.
and found Album. then i knew i was close to Romans. his brothers apartment...
stayed maby an hour inside both shops and left with just one book.
the best comic and manga book store, ever. despite most of it being french.
walked home with some confidence in where i was going. (im starting to want to write 'we')
brought food and actually am eating it. but drinking mostly.
downed a whole bottle of red orange juice and a smoothie.

29 may - continued...

2011-07-07T21:16:00.000+12:00

i went out, could not find a laundromat but used the internet cafe to book 2 more nights at aloha hestel. i looked through gallery lafayette but not interested.
went and brought things from monoprix. groceries.
washed clothes thanks to the kindness of Nil's allowing me to use the hostel washing machine
met two canadians on a best friend tour in the elevator with nils
stayed in the room and met justin again and julius. Julius looks just like taylor the wolfboy off twilight...
pamela and kirsten came back we all talked then took photo's (except me) of the glittering eiffel tower.
Ben, why couldnt you been the one to show me this?
infront of a pnik twilight.
to show me your parisian romantic side?...
we decided to all go out together and eat and drink.
the manager came in and she kept us occupied for 2 hours talking and talking and taking photos. finally we left at midnight to the metro to go towards champ elysees
we got tickets from Elouise to go to some new club under the pont alexander III bridge. it was great we all had a good time. i was happy. we walked home after dancing and drinking. me and justin got pizza each and i washed up and crashed at the hostel. woke up.
packed up. facebooked. farewelled and got lost looking for the streets to the Aloha.
there finally i booked in and use the internet for an hour or so. i talked to dan z, CJ and Ry. Its so good to hear from them.
i facebooked and emailled, then i looked at articles on CBT. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. there is a very good clinic in grey lynn.
i would like to attend there. i read through the articles and found that hugging myself tight around the ribs helps to stop me from wanting to cry. i really do need this treatment but after looking through it. im starting to doubt being with ben again.
i still feel that aspects of our relationship on his end... im not sure.
i hope we can resolve this.
i want him to be true to me during this time.
i cant take him back if he wasnt.
because that means he didnt not want to me with me
and that everything that we wanted together, was a lie.
children. a home. a life
A Lie!
ill find someone else to have children with. my greatest wish.
if he can do that , then...

i need to talke to my doctor first actually. i dont trust myself. i dont understand why i dont fully trust ben.
i need togo home. now
im not going to spend anymore time here
i dont want to walk in regret that i dont have bens hand with mine.

i need to get my act together. im going to take a boat now on the seine. then wait in myh room.

the boat ride though pretty, was also very tiring. i almost fell asleep again. what fuck? i have trouble keepinig awake. i must be very tired all over. actually it was boring, i would have liked headphones with full audio commentary on it.
walked back to aloha. its not very good. no one knows how to maintain the computers competantly. no cups in the kitchen. tiny bathroom, hard to dress esp. when in a mix dorm. ther is only tow other guys in here. i already miss lucky youth. when i lie in bed i can heart the doors open and close very clearly. downstair door buzzer. and the foot and motor traffic is very clear too.
iver run out of water so i will have to have th8is shitty tap water. my mood can be anxious, to feeling nothing not even trying to be happy, to weepy.
i wearing the valentines bangles.
though im not sure why. Ben told me to wear it to give me some strength. im not so sure about that.
i am.
physically weak.
i had to use the banister to pull me up the stairs. my appetite is still very low. i brought a baguette. its crap. i dont want it.ive decided that. no one is going to get me pregnant. my ultimate wish just fucking no chance.
how i wanted a son.
i love you my never to be son
i will instead have to get a dog. i want a small dog. fun, loving, great to exercise with.
i want to finally get a car. its gonna be good to get out and visit friends.

i have 430euro left.
50 euro train tarbes
52euro aloha
32euro lucky youth
im going to nap before using sthe internet again.
need to see aretty.

28th may

2011-07-07T20:50:00.000+12:00

after a long uncomfortable train ride, finally made it into the morning of montparnasse. i walked around the metro and pulled out a book to read and pass the time from 7.30 untill 11. it was hard to not fall asleep. at 11, i put my name on a napkin just incase.
no one turned up. 11.30 i made a call demanding someone come pick me up as i had it arranged earlier.
they did send me someone 20 min later Neils, very kind. he said that practically pulled him ot of the shower according to him? i just couldnt answer him properly as i was tired and still bent.

he brought me to the apartment and on the 14th floor a apartment tower attached to the back of the metro.
he showed me where i can see the eifel, the louve, notre dame, luxembourg jardin, etc.
the door the night just passed a tennant had broken their key in the door.
so a new key was being issued.
there is 2x 3 tiered bunks in the lounge, and 1 in the bedroom. I met justin from oz. im so happy to have a neighbour near.
justin left and neils had finished his mini tour.
he asked me if i was tired and i said that im tired from a long trip, waiting in a cafe from 7.30 and just breaking up with my french boyfriend
yes i cried but i insisted that its ok and he go to pick up two people
i thought about sleeping but decided instead to have a shower. the floor was gross so i cleaned it first.
i heard knocking at the door during my shower and had to let yusuke in. after he left and neils brought in 2 more backpackers i tried to sleep. instead i decided to go find a laundromat and the internet cafe.

Part 2

2011-07-07T20:38:00.000+12:00

Paris,
and memories

keeping us alive with hopes and dreams

28th may

2011-07-07T20:37:00.000+12:00

paris. montparnasse.
ben woke me last night to tkae me to the station. put my shoes on, bag on, and rolled my bag out of the bedroom. Francois kissed me goodbye, warmth in her smile as she said in french what ben translated as 'take care'. something else i dont remember but sweet all the same. i walked out with my head down.
ben pulled out of the drive way. driving straight with a cold face. of course i cried, but tried to talk to him with assertive techniques
"i feel":
like i drove you away
like i made you explode
like you changed when we got to france
like im being punished. like a kid beinig told to go their room.
Why are you being so Cold!
'because its hard for me, its not something I (....)'
... i dont take any pleasure in any of this'
will you keep your promise
'yes'
youre not just saying that?
'no'.
we pulled into the trainstation after a long drive through tarbes.
i looked at him again and ben was there. not the person who made me cry the last week.

Ben was smiling like before.
that face i love
me meowed, talked, laughed.
he patted my head, i pushed my face into his hand like a cat absorbing its masters love
what we said, I beleived him.
He told me to be safe in paris. where to shp for food. how to find the airport. always to look up to find where you want to go in the subway.
we got my bags and checked my ticket, i put them on my seat and came back to talk.
he was just like before.
i beleived him when he said go see a doctor. when he said 'the one we call billie regan jones'
when we yeahed with our hands
when he said 'meow forever' when i kessed him goodbye before the train door closed
when he blew me a kiss goodbye and i pawed at the glass as his cat, when he came back up the stairs and held fist to his heart and blew me a kiss wheich held in my fist for hours long after i saw his face disappear.
i said i love you.
and i beleive in you

just be good to me, and keep your promise.
dont fall for anyone else.
no, you are not an asshole.

27 may

2011-07-07T20:17:00.000+12:00

taking train to paris today. lastnight, where do i begin. when i returned i thought that ben would have me sleep in the nursery. but he told me to sleep in his room when francoice had a baby to meet/look after. i cried because we broke up in htis room. ben let me be alone, then i slept. later after getting madt at then talking he said 'wait here, dont go to sleep' and brought me after to have dinner at the table with him and his mother.
i couldnt eat much. not even the cookies we made. i still feelt weak after eating.
so we decided to watch a dvd on the laptop in his room. First Dinosaure. Then good mroning vietnam. he fell asleep during good morning vietnam so i turned the laptop off and tried to sleep next to him.

he hugged me. on the bed.
he said what are you thingking about?
'its going to be hard to sleep. and you?'
... i dont remember what he said. somehow, no.
he wasnt hugging me when he asked me that?
.wait.
After Dinosaure I called michelle.s she said to make up with him. after hanging up i wanted to see him. to hug him and ask if we can make up. during thwe movie hhe asked me what did michelle say, it was difficult for me to say. but i finally said that she wants us to make up and then he pulled me close to him.

after the movie, i dont know how i got to ask him. i asked him will he take me back. he was silent, so i asked him to just say it and dont lie. He said not after what i done.
... they siad that he brought me here because he loved me and that wouldnt have brought me back if he didnt.
the the truth iis he didnt even make an attempt to "take" me back
he said that he would be there for me, but not like before
   and now i understood.
   not as boyfriend and girlfriend.
he brought me here to ease his conscious. so he wont feel bad.
..but..
i said then, please dont hug me then. please just let me go. please end it. those arms will be holding someone else.
we tried to sleep but he left, angry.
and i nearly suffocated myself.
hypoventilated.
he was gone.

i started to scratch myself with the cutting knife he took away from me, wednesday.
i scratched my arm.
then i started on my neck.
when, he came back in, quietly. i hid tghe knife on my chest under the blanket and my eyes were wide open afraid he heard the 'click' of the knife.
afraid he saw in the darkness tthat i was trying to hide something.
"im sorry"
why
"i just am
can i hug you?"
i have no power over you.
he lay on the bed next to me and hugged me.
i hid the knife on the otherside of the bed.
do you love someone else
"no"
you dont need to lie
"i never have"
um. i cant remember now.
earlier i said that i am ging off facebook. i dont need to see him with anyone else. to have whats left of my heart walked on. after whe he said about not wanting to get back together, he said 'fair enough'. they why now i asked him if he loved someone else. he asked me to promise him to give him some news. i said after what he said i will probably never want to hear from him again. i dont want to hear about him being with anyone else. now i asked him, what i dont remember.
but it got me to ask him if i go to a doctor will be take me back?
he said only if i got to a doctor.
i begged him to look me in the eye and say that he will take me back if i got to a doctor.
i said you dont have to lie.
he said hes not lying. it was dark, i could only see the outline of his face.
i made him say, that he will take me back, only if i go to a doctor. he said it.

we lay on the bed together.
and, i hugged him and promised i'll be good, over and over and over again.
and he pulled me onto pf him.
and i couldnt stop saying it because he promised. i could stop caressing his face but.
it didnt feel quite like hge pulled me ontop just to be close to him like that. i wouldnt/couldnt stop crying because i was happy he said that. we ended up kissing again. then made love.
crazy pent up love.
but he came too soon and said sorry. sorry sorry sorry.
i said im not worried.
why are you sorry. he mumbled and i said i dont care because I Love You.
   i broke the rule of not syaing i love you during sex.
we climed on the bed after dressing and slept apart.
barely touching.
so i took his hand. he opened the window and we slept to the sound of rain and a dog barking in the distance.

in the morning when i rolled over and looked at him, he looked back for a second and turned away.
i asked doesnt he want to look at me and irritated he said he just wanted to sleep.
didnt anything change at all?
i couldnt sleep after because of a baby that francois was looking after. because of so many cars driving by. i felt my heart stop. he got up and left. came back half an hour later, during which i started writing again.

Last night i agreed that i will take a train today.
i'll go to paris and go to nz asap. i'll let everyone know im back but im off facebook. if they want me i'll be on email.
i'll se a doctor
i'll get a job
i'll live in town
i'll talk to my family
i'll get my license
i'll workt till the day get to see ben again because.
im pathetic and hoping on a promise.
i have nothing i want in this life except a happy life with ben.

i got nothing.

26 may

2011-07-07T19:50:00.001+12:00

After P went to work as a math tutor around 5 me and 'Momo' went to his house to have dinner.
he made a mince and egg pancake with corriander and cumin. also a salad entree.
P came over and M had to leave. we cleaned up and played soccer. then we walked to jardin du massey. very beautiful (i often felt sad that ben had not been able to show me the birds and flowers that were new to me). came home and watched a bit of 'something about mary', facebook, etc.
we then returned to 'place de verdun' to watch the soccer but the screen that was set up earlier (in the day) was removed. so we went to big ben pub for a beer and waited for mo to come by. after(wards) we went to a pub with a DJ and karaoke. fantastic singers, the women know how to dance.
the DJ has a great voice so sang many 'power ballads'.
we left when i got tired. P made the bed and i slept at his house while he slept at M's

Im really grateful to these boys and i dont know how to thank them.
i woke up around 7 when P knocked on the door. he had to be somewhere by 8 untill 10. I slept in untill 9 somewhere.
with P after 10 we had breakfast. swept and mopped the floor.
now i am waiting on the drizzle to go away so i can go to a cafe to sit.
i am contemplating whether to call ben or not.
staying in paris can be cheap if i can find somewhere.
i would like to take a train there tomorow.
stay in a cheap hotel/hostel and explore untill the plane can take me away.
hopefully when i get to nz i can take what money is mine minus what i owe ben for insurance and his laptop.
then.
i dont know.
i dont have a clue.
work in auckland again?
die?

im too numb now. just now. as soon as i take that train far away from him, take the plane further away, each step, minute, hour, kilometer away i become, i'll die inside more and more.
my numbness will melt away and i'll remember his every detail. smile. eyes. laugh.
and kill myself.

but. I have to stop writing about this because right now i have to be strong. i'll go buy a light jacket and

12.50 waiting in brasserie kronenbourg. i decided to meet ben here with Mo and P. P asked me to promise not to cry but. thats one thing i cant promise. inside still turbulent in a tank.

~~~

he talked me into coming back.
now im here.
when i have time i'll write what he said to me when we got back. even after i slept and woke up to his laughing after it drove me mad.

his mother smiled, but has not touched me. i made cookies with him. havent eaten them yet. not hungry. they did not have lunch yet. they abandoned it.
for me.

since wednesday my ovaries have hurt. mostly in the mornings.
now my stomach/abdomen hurts. i have hardly eaten to be honest. just want to drink.

...He has that bitches number. she will be glad to hear he is single. then that slut can throw herself onto him.

25 May

2011-07-06T12:55:00.001+12:00

25 may
Single, and lost in France.

Regan, you fucked up big time. although enjoying my bout of freedom, will inevitably find some way to kill myself. out of sheer loneliness, and self loathing.

how did i manage to fuck up so badly? what did i do to not make him love me anymore? just a week earlier, before coming to France - he was different. and i dont quite understand. was it because we were living with other boys that he had to leave his mark? come to France and now he would hardly take my hand.
i saw nothing for me in his eyes
.its nearing 12, i have found the train station and somewhere close to sleep for cheap. but fuck is it hard to find a computer cafe. i practically have to walk down every street, but i'll have to ask someone eventually. after walking from the hotel i was at, i had to ask several people for help. seems there is quite a lot of old people around. not too many youngsters. School? Uni? Some people, though limited english are so helpful and friendly. some french can be beautiful.
i brought the pen and book from some supermarket. i also brought a stanley knife for protection. and if/when i decide to end it all. im not sure what im doing. i plan to go to a internet cafe, make changes to my ticket, email people for help maby. tell N, G, and cj they were right.

still cant find a computer cafe. i think people have been sending me to "gratuit wifi" places not "L'ordinateur/internet cafe".
im fucked. if i dont find one soon.
not sure if i should check into that hotel now or not? Hmm. a locker would be good. even a lock.
I think my ovaries are trying to kill me. without pain killers all the stress is going to them.
they want to explode.

its all my fucking fault.
im lost. not a soul to talk to. cant contact anyone. ive heard a few english speaking people around. i havent talked to them.
and im starting to feel sick.

all my fault.
when i woke up he looked at me and rolled out of bed. got dressed quickly and kissed my ass after rolling over with one leg on the duvet.
i think i got dressed later ready to go hiking with my new shoes purchased yesterday. had a quiet breakfast then cleaned up. knowing that nothing was going to happen for awhile. i said that i would go outside to draw to wait for him.
(soon after) he waived me over to the car to go to the supermarket.
we talked very little. even less at the supermarket. i was just following him. i felt worse than a kid. i asked him in the car why he was so quiet, etc. he said that shopping was hard - its a chore, doesnt like it.
is that why he wouldnt smile at me? wouldnt take me by the hand and we can do it together? be happy? what is the chore? i just dont understand. and we drove home in a heavy silence. i wanted to talk, wanted it to be like before. but. i know he wouldnt answer. even at home. nothing.
nothing.
so i went into the bedroom, and hid under the duvet.
when he came in he asked me with a haughty 'whats wrong'
like 'why are you doing this again?'
i cant remember the words he asked if i wanted to be alone
i dont remember saying fuck off
i dont remember what i said to make him so angry
and to finally say - Fuck You.

see . its my fault. that things blew up. we argued too much. i think i said in the car, that i think we only talk about things that end up in arguments. he said i dont understand, thats when we went quiet.

after saying fuck you, he stormed off and started talking to his mother. then came back and just stood there staring at me. then - right then. i decided it was over.
looked for my cutting blade, and attempted to climb out the window.
i wanted to end this facade. the lie that we became. im selfish and un-deserving of a wonderful man like ben.

4:45. earlier i bumped into the guy who helped me to get to the train station. he helped me to look for the internet cafe on ?belzac?..ave. it was gone. so he called a friend and said that i could use his computer.
I met P. and the guy on the bike is M. he was outside his work when i asked an old lady.
From Morocco, and is a student of engineering. P is from Camaroon in mid. africa.
P's house is a unit, part of a block. it is on the ground next to a repair shop. he was so embarrased/abashed about his house having clothes every-where and a bed on the ground. i kept saying its fine please dont clean it for me. so kind.
i used his internet, sent email to Mich asking if she can help.
then on FB - "Single: and lost in france"
nath was the first to answer. God bless her.

thank you to up above.

we talked and cried. she made me promise to talk to ben. she made me see that although he wont say 'i love you', by bringing me in to his home, into his family, thats his way of saying i love you.

Dear lord, i have to let him go. I fucked up.

But! i wanted to be with him forever.

up untill now, ive only drunk all day. but a freindly neighbour of P gave us cherries and oranges. he only speaks arabic and a little french, and is also morrocan. talk often to M.

the trick is to breathe. the first lesson

2011-07-06T12:23:00.000+12:00

Hello. my name is billie regan jones.
i live in auckland city. if my therapist says it is, then im recovering from a trauma.
that trauma is the breakup.

the first lesson i have learnt, and it has become my homework. is to breathe. breathe deeply from your stomach, feel your chest rising, and imagine you are letting out your worries.
to do it when you feel down. to do it when you feel lost. to do it when you think of negative things.
and as you do it, think about what it is you are doing. what it is you want to do. and carry on.

today. i have decided to write my journal. all my writings that i have done since the breakup.
it was my way of moving on. to take these hurtful feelings out of myself and to help me cope.

this is the beginning.

blogging again.

2011-07-05T15:26:00.002+12:00

some one said that they enjoyed my writing...

well. lets see how i go this time around.
i have something to say, thats for sure.

isnt this weather crazy

2009-12-14T22:19:00.002+13:00

like the heart that beats inside of me.
after a day of clarity, our summer rain pours down so heavily
rain slips off flowers in fat drops, and beats the tin roof so hard that it creates a mist.

i want to dance in the rain but who will be there to hear my mad song?
to listen to the words of a drowned lover? a child singing happy chants? a lost foreigner in her own land?
many people pass by, skating along the wet and fresh tarmac.
theres a light on in the bus, and i want to get on and travel to somewhere wonderful...

where is wonderful? where are you?
why is real love a cliched story, that no one wants to hear any more? is it too unprofessional in these modern times?
when i laugh and im really happy, funnily enough i think of you... and you are laughing with me.

you make me happy, and so sad... that i dont want to think at all

2009-06-30T23:19:00.003+12:00

so i think im in love with one of the mafia.
one of the sweet characters in my story, has caught me unwittingly... ive caught him too, but he cant say more, be more, to me.
only be so wonderful, but bruise my heart in the process.

how he hurts me? ive never met anyone so kind and sweet as he is. so keen on me. but the thing is... i know he has someone else... or that same old story : foreign parents dont want to know that their son is dating a foreign girl.
so the good son hides his relationship from them... but hurts her more by doing so.
He has someone else? possibly.
betrothed to another girl... are his friends laughing at my foolishness over loving him so, because they know he has someone?
i do wonder.
and he tells me himself, that he is not a good person. he cheats people. was he being fresh?? (bad english)
i asked if he would ever cheat on me and said yes.
i didnt know what to think...

i really dont want to know. i dont want to think about it... because if he tells me so, i will surely loose all hope in this life.
he is my last hope?
we make eachother happy and he is protective of me. we laugh over charming little scenes in bollywood movies. he calls me his baby friend, i have a good heart. i see in him a good heart, a good person. i dont know everything about him.
im just, simply happy!
so happy, i wish we could share more.
more than just words, hugs.
why cant i just ask him those important questions, and why cant he open his heart up to me.
are we both afraid to just end it like that? what will happen to us after that? and can we move on...

i think i could go mad and really seriously ask my friends why people dont burst out in song dance and colours when something good happens or two people fall in love...

desparate need of a budget... and money!

2009-06-16T23:07:00.004+12:00

i have a week, not much money, and my flatmate/sisters birthday coming up.
plans? No...
money? No.... shucks.
not only do i have to save for a bond i have to get my eyes checked, and at least see a dentist. I have a gym membership that i am not using but still paying for, Unicef and b.s tax fines to pay. oh and not to mention still have some savings for emergencies and this months bills.
makes me want to crawl back to call center work :( or just ... do something crazy :( :(
i cant get another job at skycity untill ive been there for 6 months. so im waiting on August, and hoping that long before then they will have increased my pay rate. its pretty abysmal at the moment. i really cant survive.
i may have to ask for a increase sooner than i can wait for the new contract.
ahh... my problems may be solved if i moved to warmer climates !!

things have worked out between me and sis. just needed to talk to her thats all!
i need to really really make her bday really special next week! shes planning it for next friday. ok, thats 2 pay days inbetween! i can make it... i can get her something really really cool! i can i can!
she got me a $300+ cake. im ffn flabbergasted so, NO FUNNY BUSINESS! gotta do it ahh!

so many things needed to be done.
i really want to blog more, but im so tired. my eyes are tired and i needed to study for todays lesson at "sky school"... oh cry :(

desparate need of a budget... and money!

2009-06-16T23:07:00.000+12:00

loosing my sister

2009-06-09T14:36:00.003+12:00

i think, due to my negelect.
im loosing my sister.

i havent done nothing for Doujin Overload. its the 25th of July. knowing this is going to give me time to fuck around
i should have finished lots of things by now...
CJ is not happy with me.
and i have a strange feeling that she is going to move out of this flat without me.
we had made plans to move to the city together, this was going to work out really well. I'd have one of my closest friends to live with and be close to work.
It all seems so perfect. a nice apartment, and to be asianized again.

feels like its slipping apart. i dont need to really ask her if she is pissed off with me because i know her so well. the small things she does show it.

(*i can smell the scent that was in garys room. how strange that i can smell it now...?)

I know the main thing is because of Doujin Overload. but, is it also because ive become so busy with work, and not even coming to say hi to her when i get home. is she mad because of that?
or would she rather move out with the other flatmate? im not sure what to think...
this is making me really sad. i dont want to move to the city without her. but if she goes without me i may have to :(
i have been wanting to move from this place for sometime now. i just really need to simplify my life again. be free of all this junk i have.
get down to the easy stuff...

if i cant get her to move in with me, then im going to have to find someone else to live in the city with.
i dont want to live here without those two...

I do this for my own pleasure, not to make friends out of it.

2009-06-09T14:29:00.003+12:00

to those about to ask me to follow their blog, just because im cute, go away.
im not here to make friends.
this is just me and my own rants, followed by a few good friends. Im happy if others read it, just dont spam me.
you can make a comment, but dont ask me to follow you.
I generally do check up on peoples blogs if they leave a comment, if i like it i will follow.

thanks, but no thanks. peace out.

wow, good old boyfriends

2009-06-04T22:26:00.002+12:00

its so strange. is it a sign or something? old boyfriends getting in touch with me, what is that all about?

a month or so back my ex from levin added me on facebook. i was so shocked i think the impression that i gave him on my replies were almost like i wasnt happy about it, perhaps i shouldnt have added those interjections?
about 3weeks ago i read on his mothers facebook page that he wants to name his baby daughter Regan.

how extra shocked am i?
now it does not at all mean that he is about to name her that or that it may be he is naming her after another regan.
But it is still strange, giving your baby girl a name of a ex-girlfriend.
But if he does name her with me in mind (he did say i have a strong name), then i guess, i can be nothing but proud, and honored.

i logged into my MSN last night, and my ex from BP contacted me. we had a good catch up, and as always, i enjoyed talking to him again. We still had eachothers cell phone numbers, and today he asked to call me at my home.
the last time we talked was December 2007 or January 2008. just to help him with study options. today it was to help look for a job. still pleasant. still happy to catch up. and saying unnecessary things like ill see you, call, text etc.
because he never means them... its just hopeless end of conversation fillers, a way of throwing me off.

Damn you Mafia :(

2009-05-03T15:50:00.002+12:00

Today is quite calm. Its sunday, next week sunday will be mothers day.
im working the evening shift that day, its gonna be really busy.

im trying to blog a bit more because i know that it will help me out with my story that i want to develop.

we are not supposed to leave skycity with our uniform on. suppose we were to be recognised by a customer and we were... well drinking and smoking? however here me and nat are in a internet cafe surfing the net, and me blogging. I checked my facebook account and that dude from conventions has found me and added me. i think i want to deny him because his text msg's are quite immature. sounds stupid.
Simon, our steward that was working last night talked to me again. He asked me again why I cut my hair, like he has seen me with long hair before. quite strange.
i just joked and said I think he would look good with long hair too :3
bit of a dumbass answer.

i still need to see someone in management to see about getting another position. Im finding running tedious for me. I already asked about the bar, and i still have not heard anything back about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w55Nib4uf1U - taking back my love. ("ive given you too much, now im taking back my love")

my friend yesterday was not feeling well at work. she had 3 drinks the night before, and cant remeber anything after the third. she woke up in another part of town, in a strangers bed.
but she had a dress on and her belongings. and was texted later that evening by someone from Hamilton asking if she was going to go out again that night.
so mysteries surrounding her whereabouts and what she was drugged with...
and if anything else happened to her.
her liver/ribs hurt too?

i have to get a new eftpos card tomorow. i cracked it one night while raving in the club Cassette. i cant even get money out of a ATM. and most places are too sensitive to be able to get anything out. Its a real problem, but then so is my spending. I keep getting raped for $30.00 fees every month end. i still am paying for a Gym that I dont even go to anymore. i really should be, goh i hate looking at my belly in the morning :(
and paying for unicef. i have been donating for a year. holy shit.
im going to stop that as well. I need to save up for some white high tops, new clothes ( i need to sell my old clothes jeez), and save for getting out of here.
its time to go.

its calm here, ill say once again. the sky is cool and cloudless. the sun sits low to the west, but not quite dark yet at 4.30pm.
groups of people wander downt the street. some are very interesting to look at with their taste in fashion.
its getting a bit cold here in the internet cafe. where I sit i can see the skycity tower and hotel block. eating topdeck chocolate and sharing it with my friend, it makes it a really nice atmosphere.

Ive decided that ive missed listening to k-pop. ive added back to my mp3 player eugene and chaeyeon. I just need some BoA and Seven. maby some Rain as well. who knows.
i miss living in the city as well....

i finally have it

2009-05-02T16:26:00.001+12:00

i finally have a story to write about. im very keen about it.
its going to be about work.
because i know, there is a lot of drama that goes on there. lots of interpersonal drama.
its happening to me. its neat as.
upping the ante :3

working

2009-05-02T15:12:00.002+12:00

ive been working there for about 12 weeks now.
or is it 13? I was keeping pretty good count for a little while there?

I want to do something else now. Ive already asked management if I can work in the bar. I think that I would be really good in there. It wont take me long to pick up everything. Im sure as hell not doing senior waiting.
although, i really need to start earning more money.
I should just take up the waitering. learn the food, give good service and then rake in the tips.
this will be hard for me to start with. so many things I have to learn and I still havent eaten everything there to know what it is like.

we cleaned up lots lately. its the slow period, not so many customers coming in. however....
mothers day is going to be a bitch. literally. a restauraunt full of non-religious rich cows... not to mention rude and full of shit cows?
why am i even putting down cows? cows are way cooler.

my relationship with everyone is cooling. its not to a point where we just dont kick it, its just that im running out of shit to say.
how pathetic huh? what am i going to talk about? do a natasha and say out of the blue "my cousins best friend got married recently.... yeah." awesome opener line right there. >_>
I hate, HATE this one person there. he really really makes my blood boil.
i would give any chance to kick him in the nuts. Im sure i would call it even then.
"grab, twist, pull, and walk away" as shen did advise me :3
work, is becoming. work.
if i stay in town i feel like i have never left work.
im seriously considering moving back into town again, just to make it easier to get to work.
but i cant do it.

im not sure what to do about it... am i just bored?
stimulation is what i need. and im tired of just drinking at palace.
i need exercise too. being untoned is not very good looking for me :P

working

2009-04-16T19:41:00.004+12:00

i am happy where i am right now.
but for some reason it, or rather, I feel different lately.
when i started and tried to make friends with everyone, i learnt their names. it was hard to do but i finally managed to memorise them within 2 weeks.
Then as I came to know them better, i started to like them more and more. I loved working with them. they are my peers.
i just fully looked forward to coming to work to see them all, it always made me quite hyped.
i got to know people better. things changed when Erin came along because I saw another side of some people that I didnt know they had. They opened up more, and they were nicer too.
so work has become more and more interesting.
but, something has sort of changed. im not sure what, and i have my theories.
in the words of a friend, "the novelty has sort of worn off" is what I think the majority of the change is.
is it crunch time to lock down?
honestly i miss the indian mafia, i miss seeing them all together so often. one has quit, im sad about that and he hasnt text me back either. how to keep in contact huh? the other one keeps threatening to quit. sigh.
i really want a photo of them all together.
all of us together. before the sparkle really does fade...

wishes.

2009-04-16T19:22:00.003+12:00

i wish i had a boyfriend. a boyfriend that would buy me flowers, take long walks with me and treat me to make me feel special.
i wish i had someone to be by my side, to hold my hand and make me feel up when things are looking down.
i wish he would come for me with an umbrella when the rain starts to fall, i wish he was an excellent dancer.
i wish i could make him laugh when he is angry, or be there to put my arms around him to make him feel warm and happy.
i wish he would laugh and ruffle my hair when i am being particularly dippy and blonde.
i wish he would buy me nice clothes and pay for day spa's because he wants me to look and feel my best.
i wish i could drive so i can pick him up from work, and then he would drive... i wouldnt care where. as long as he was there.
i wish we could converse for hours on end, about anything and everything... and never tire of it.
i wish i had a camera, i would take photo's of him to fill up a house.
i wish he acted cute (in a korean drama kind of way), and had a quirky sense of humor.
i wish that when i see him, my heart would skip a beat.
i wish i had a love.

i feel so empty. what am i doing wrong?

suffering from mania

2009-02-02T00:28:00.007+13:00

.
Today should have been another uneventful Sunday. nothing to do but clean then surf the net for something intelligently stimulating.
Saturday I went out with all my flatmates birthday party, so Sunday I was recovering from putting my back out and sore muscles; We did so much freaky dancing to Geek-music it was quite harrowing!

Back to Sunday. My flatmate told me to watch Battlestar Galactica, the latest ep which he had downloaded. It was really exciting! Starbucks is back in action and there is a lot of gunfire going off all over the Galactica. Then at the end there was a standoff, and Bill's words to Saul brought a tear to my eye.

I had to use the toilet today, and found that there was no toilet paper. This was the second or third time this week that I have had to replace the toilet paper... Someones ASS has been EATING the freaking toilet paper! what the hell! So I went on a bit of a screaming rampage going on about it and that Im gonna skin whoever is doing it. very mad.

Later on that night I decided to take the rubbish out and I emptied the kitchen bin.
I took the bag out, and it touched my foot which seemed.... oddly warm. Lifting it up I found, a maggot on my foot.
I dropped the bag, squealed, and bounced back from it. but dropping the bag unfortunately split the hole that the bugger came out of bigger... sending out a pile of more maggots!
I was shrieking and mini-hyper ventilating at the same time D: so the flatmates kindly cleaned up and took out the trash for me.
That was not quite the end of it.. We had decided to do a compost but had not purchased a bin suitable for it. so over the months we had put the compost into a black bag. This night, as I tipped it into the main bin it unnaturally 'rolled' into the bin... followed by a invisible cloud of 2 month old fermented stink..

When I tell you it was bad I'm telling you it was really bad. Its undescriable. It almost made my flatmate puke, and the stink lingered long after the bin had been wheeled out to the street.
so we were gagging and going on about it for about 10 minutes.

After that I was talking to Ry. Chi happened to tell me that one of my flatmates "lights were on", meaning she had no bra on under her singlet... and for some reason that sent me into a fit of laughter that I really could not control. I was laughing over it for a good five minutes, and it wasn't even all that funny!?

Then as I was in the shower thinking about how truly forgetful I have been becoming lately I daydreamed that I had Alzheimer's. For some reason I dreamt up a scenario where I found myself in a lucid moment and realised that I was in a institution. I called my mom but she never picked up, so I left a message where I cried and begged her to come and get me out of there.
I started to really cry; I do think up of some very crappy thoughts that make me cry sometimes.

So I can pretty much say that, Ive had a few extremes of emotion today. feel like four seasons in one day. a few tears, anger management issues, and hysterics. and also confusion when a flatmate who does not normally hug me hugged me.

feeling weird today. Perhaps I am loosing my mind? I seem to be forgetting quite a lot of very simple words, mashing words together, forgetting something that was told to me not so long ago or even read... maby that is what I will do monday.

random lyric...

2009-01-02T01:33:00.002+13:00

i have lost my sense of this world
on the wall bang my head
on the floor lay curled

eat dog biscuits
why not? dog eats them
but stop me when
I choke... then ill know

a day that i didnt want to be - written circa 2003

2009-01-02T01:01:00.003+13:00

... We have come together and connect so much more now -
we laugh and have become less afraid of each other.
! wow we've come a long way.
Spiritually I think Ive stopped growing. I have stopped being a child of God, I think... I have stopped feeling the spirit touch me like it did, I miss it.

Stolen from me and made into tears
the heavens pour it on me to shame me
Before my friends and peers.
My eyes tire from seeing
awake for so long
mindlessly active unconsciously moving..
Birds call in the night
Unrespectfully watch the moon hang ominously
pay no attention to its ethereal beauty,
In a liquid pink sky and wet blue clouds;
I smiled when I saw the grey sky roll over the cool morning
but no smile could brighten my day today.
(so it dragged on without joy).

Sometimes, its so hard to smile.

The White Blossom - written circa 2003

2009-01-02T00:40:00.003+13:00

Locked in a chamber of cold black stones with thick chains clamping her wrists, and ankles to the walls.
An iron choker held her head from the floor and any further comfortable position.

no movement, no food, no thought... why this torture?

In this filthy cramped cavity only she could fit. Eyes open, staring at a white blossom blooming before her.
In no light it grew as if by what remained of her will power; budding then bursting, like in slow motion into full bloom. Pure and white - amidst the gloom and black.
small and alone, the girl died.

Wet Grass - written circa 2003

2009-01-02T00:34:00.004+13:00

listening to the sounds of a friday afternoon and drinking smirnoffs to tune me in.
Wet patches of grass and mud; a small micro plane buzzing over above.
A cool breeze momentarily brushing my face; dispersed clouds dripping towards the east.
Im thinking of some other afternoon, like this one. just as cool and the sun just about to touch the horizon. observing the scene with the same detached wonder.

The leaves on the plum tree burst into existence in such a short period it made me think how fast spring is approaching. The beautiful white blossoms have just about all dropped off or browned out.

image essay fail :3

2008-12-28T21:07:00.003+13:00

should I give each a 1000 words. who would care about all those words per image?
Who in this day and age would really give a bag of ... ass... to know those words?

so, i will give instead a short summary and hopefully have some skill in delivering the atmosphere of each instead of goring your eyes out. like the beauty of shortstories.

long forgotten afternoons of a toddler, visiting my brothers friends house. we both had a ice-cream carton each full of worms. so proud of them we were that we took them over to show them.
the world was so large, and the sky so new to me. my shadow seemed to stretch out so long, knowing one day that i would fill it. that afternoon seemed to burn into the heavens, and i really beleived in wizards and magic. magical ponies and key lock snail pals... maby i was tutu'ing in their room or they were my first bullies? they hid the key away from me.

If there was a city in the sky, i would be walking on a glass floor, and the clouds far below would skudd along silently beneath. and of course, id be listening to Daft Punk - Discovery.

Wellington in a borrowed bomber jacket, Wind Defence Buffer +5. Attractiveness +2. Ninja Coolness +4. Giant Bouy in the background - Horror/Scariness/Nighmareishness +40
...
it looked cool from a distance and i wondered what it did/was... untill I climbed ontop and came face to face with a giant version of something from my nightmares...
Like spiders, roaches, ghosts and maniacs. Bouys are frickn' scary as!
Irrational? perhaps. I seem to think somehow, and if it is possible, that in my past life i died seeing one of those...
more like underwater Mines!

Wellington is a city of pedal pushers. cleaner. environmentally friendly. lower your carbon footprint and get one!

what to say? its just cool. makes a wicked background.

Cant Sleep

2008-12-27T00:32:00.001+13:00

I fear i'll wake up...

I am so Rockabilly Baby

2008-12-23T14:27:00.003+13:00

I may have always loved this music. however today is the first time that i have bothered to look for it.
Heck i almost have all the time in the world to do it!

I like the fact that the house is empty at the moment, I can boogie around it like crazy in just a house coat and not care a damn.
Also, ive been watching the rest of True Blood, so its very apropriate.
if i wanna come back down i might throw on some kings of leon and go crazy to that :)

Well, its that time of year. and i cant get a date.
Ive been trying on this guy who seemed like he had good potential. But now he is starting to piss me off!
Perhaps its because this time im trying too much to make it a 'Normal' relationship.
i get sick of my escapades. most of my relationships just last about two weeks and its just a headlong rush into bed.
then the fun is over, and it feels too awkward to try anything that resembles permanence.
or they/I just take me/them for granted...

This time i wanted to do it right. None of that shit.
I thought he would be great! He's geeky abit like me, and he has drive. a goal, direction. is funny and has shit loads of movies and music.
Lots of things i could have learnt from him. (but you really can say that about anyone.)
has a car, even though that is totally not a reason for me wanting to date a guy. Now if he had a motorbike I would be sooo begging him to take me for a ride every weekend!
We've known eachother for quite sometime since we worked together. and when i left the company his close colleague told me that he had been dying to ask me out since i started.
So having knowledge that yes, he is interested in me, made me confident to goad him to ask me out.
But since then, he just acts un-interested. Distracted. not even like he wants to try.
Im pissed off. And I cant be bothered with him.
Im so glad that i did take my time, at least I had time to gague what he is like. if there is anything worth pursuing.

So here I am again. im so disappointed.

and I hate that although it doesnt seem like im wallowing in it, ive been out of a job for about 3 months and the house is starting to look like a pig sty. I cant stand tons of mess, however ive just about given up.

Im not sure if I should move out, and try for another start.
perhaps it will just be the same.

so annoyed with myself.

Twilight

2008-12-14T17:21:00.003+13:00

Now, likely you have heard of this book/movie.
And let me just add, I have added my own fan girl sighing, ooh'ing and ahh'ing to the many millions of other girls, all around the world, who have picked up this book and have had much trouble putting it down till it was over!

I am totally absorbed into this book. yesterday, whilst entertaining a friend I hadnt seen in a while, in the back of my mind i couldnt wait to jump onto my bed and continue reading.
Today I was supposed to go on a date, however... i pretended that I couldnt find my phone >_< I just had to finish this book!
Im back into reading novels again and I love it! For a very long time, I just couldnt get into reading books. I lost interest very easily, always with a feeling bothering me that I really should be doing something else. I havent been so absorbed by a book since Tamora Pierce's Immortals Quartet. and that is well over 10 years ago!

Summer is a really good time to read as well. I dont have to be cooped up inside and pretty much confine myself to my bed to read. Today I strung up a hammock. it hangs in our carport. its white strings makes it look as delicate as a web, so of course, and one must always be cautious when they go into a hammock, gingerly settled myself in, threw up my legs and read while the sun was out. comfort and surroundings is a must when you want to become engrossed in a book.

it is a fairly easy read, it flows well. my eyes just flew through the pages. and if you are bad like me you could find your self constantly exclaiming out loud, having the occasional fangirl squeals, snorting, sighing, face+book planting, and loosing your page because you refused to sleep but passed out anyway.
My buddy kristy came around today. And she said that she had just seen it the other day. LIKE WTF! I didnt know it had already come out. Later on, looking at the skycity cinema session time-table she must have gone to a preview. ( ;__; lucky...) its not officially released untill Dec 25th. Guess what im getting myself for Xmas >_o

I Fear Sleep

2008-12-04T02:25:00.003+13:00

whats that I hear you say?
Fear Sleep? But why ever could that be?

Because my room may not have been bug bombed, so all the bugs went north for the 'fall-out', and north being my Bedroom!

Crying like a emo kid ;_; ...

I found a dead roach in the door way of my room...
I was scared and stole CJ's can of Raid... and proceeded to soak the bugger, and the rest of my room with Pyrethemum...
I should be asleep...

however. Now that I am back in Auckland...
what was it I was doing a fortnight before I left for Levin?

Nothing. Specifically: computer games. moping. walking. DVD's. Movies. TV series (marathons of BSG done *sigh!*).
now that I am back...

I plan to go and be a glassy. I will apply to many schools this time and more than just one subject. which ever one I get I will do.
and maby try modelling. just for shits and giggles.
not that I actually think i'd be good just hoping that I get some funky adidas threads someday :)

which means runs or walks every day. to get that BMI down or what ever it is.

Ahh... Thanks EOL for the diary. I really will be using it.
plus I need a new calandar...

in wellington today

2008-11-27T21:49:00.002+13:00

i took a trip to wellington today and am staying with a good friend.

and it reminds me of all the reasons why I should move here. Dilapidated, dated, Lived In old city villa's. Hundreds of them. and I can live in them :)
Im not keen on the weather here. I'd have to stock up on Jumbo jackets, however. its a good vibe here.

I took loads of photo's.
when I have the time, I will be able to upload them to here.

though, I am missing my friends in auckland.

Coraline

2008-11-23T14:43:00.003+13:00

I wanna watch this movie. Its by Neil Gaiman, and I really really am loving his works.
this amongst many other films I really wanna watch!

(Click!)

booze up Big King

2008-11-11T21:18:00.006+13:00

under a blue sky,
sand strewn white clouds
sun sinking into the west,
our warmth disappears in the shade.

trying to pull the smell of wild out of my memories,
when I attempt to describe it to my friend.
Thinking of a Cat I once loved,
and enjoyed dreaming with also - warmth.

dodging dog shit for a place to curl up in the grass,
giggling uncontrollably at the thought of riding John Key's face into the dirt;
Perfect use for old political signs.
this is where we made up a new word: Fortorre,
she's taking photo's to remember these times.

The temperature is just right
I wish I had a barbeque stand at home.
im craving for a burnt steak and a few corona's,
good friends, and a good feeling to help pass Christmas.
im not so positive about next November.

cut my hair short

2008-11-11T11:01:00.005+13:00

well, about a day after coming back from Rotorua, and absolutely hating my hair...
I grabbed a sissors and started chopping at it.
I knew myself, and if I didnt stop... well hell I knew I was going to have a few bald patches...
so called my momma and begged her to come over the next day with a sissors and a razor.

It was so funny, she really hated cutting my hair this time, all because she didnt want me looking like a boy.
but gave in when I kept nagging. I had a renewed sense of life, and for the next few days kept saying to myself "Who the hell is... oh hell thats me!"

Saori's Birthday party at Lia's place :)

who's that shocker?

Sylvia Park 5th November

about my cat. 2003

2008-11-11T01:49:00.002+13:00

(from my journal) ... I'm trying to begin this entry - in the shadow of my beloved cat who insists on pushing his face in mine.
I love you so much. I'd be very cold without you.
Currently I don't love anything more than I do you.
But, I still dread the day when you must leave me - when I have to stop buying you biscuits, kiss you benevolently on your patterned forehead, hear you purr and see your lazy eyes. You love me, I know that much.
You are a little strange and hard to understand,
I don't want to understand you - own you, trap you.
I should have left you in your home.
I guess i got greedy - i couldn't live without you, or bear to think about what would be happening to you.
I love your scent. You've definitely lost most of your smell since being here. Garden spray, fertilizer, wild, green, sweat, hunt, warmth. And sun.

RIP 2005. Come back to me one day...

high moon, circa 2003

2008-11-11T01:25:00.002+13:00

the moon has shifted a long distance since,
its light directly on her face now and in her eyes.
clock kept on ticking. a windy night pushed the
clouds along, passing the moon and temporarily
dimming the light.
clouds in the distance moved slowly, huddled beneath
the moon and stars hung above. Wind sights through
trees.
the blue night sky is so solid, its almost palpable.
its like the smooth painted inside of a
cosmotic bowl.
Her focus shifts to the window, and the dirt and finger
marks on it; between her and the moon.
light shining in her eyes, she squints to lengthen
and shorten the beams.

The breeze slipping through the window stirs the
chimes; they ring quietly into the night.
Kana lay in bed, a little uncomfortable.
Her neck hurt from craning over the computer so much.
sleep was hard to find, thoughts and dreams
not helping in the pursuit.
Her tabby cat slept on the blankets at her side,
the clock still ticked.
"How come you can sleep so easily, huh puss?"

untitled circa 2003

2008-11-11T00:34:00.002+13:00

We lay in bed,
We lay very close.
And listened to the narcissus grow.
We hard the silver moon rise,
I heard his eye lids blinking,
He heard my hair rustling.
We saw fantastic visions,
We dreamed our wolds together,
No-longer separated but linked by our finger tips only,
linked by eyes.
Eyes of midnight bright,
Eyes of perceptual might.
.dreams never end when you believe

shuhei's rainbow. written 2002

2008-11-11T00:19:00.000+13:00

i saw the rainbow shuhei saw. it was beautiful.
it was as vivid as the photo he is a part of
forever shuhei, young. and the rainbow -

message to a boy. circa 2002

2008-11-11T00:16:00.001+13:00

message to a boy
if i was so bold - yes - i would stare you down.
id force you to look at me,
and burn my imprint into your skull.
that when i snap that tie, im all you think of,
as you dawdle to your class.
id know i have you. naturally id have to guide you,
through your initial confusion -
bend you to my will -
pull my fingers through your hair.
but i am not.
your smile is burnt in my mind instead.

unfinished, untitled. circa 2000-2002

2008-11-11T00:14:00.000+13:00

kana walked down the road with a bottle of vodka to ease her disappointment. was like a great vault sky of cloud and blue evening. the moon directly above like white marble. the unseen sun dyed the cloud fringes orange and pink. a swirling mass tethered to spill into the blue like the great wall of a slow moving wave.
a sight to make many watchers sigh.
kana didn't care.
nor did she car she still walked on stony ground in high heels, bound to break an ankle at some time.
far too distant to hear the plaintive voices calling her to stay,come back, ignoring....

free writing. circa 1999-2001

2008-11-11T00:12:00.001+13:00

out into the street i flow
im not sure, ive nowhere to go
i see people fly by yet i am so slow
its a color expozay - a blurry show

we wont walk, wont laugh, wont play
we just want to get out - shot today
in my head a part is dead
what im fed its not being read
so i pull down the stars
white pin points pricking the crowd
crowd of colour garish
melt them al into single units
its just more organised that way

eighteen september twothousand and eight, sugar sweet blue eyes

2008-11-10T23:56:00.000+13:00

continuing down

think i lost a friend

hair is, every where!

waiting out this holiday. keen to be here, keen to get back into uncertain life. which?

want to be alone here. no bothers. eat out.
drinking peach tea by the litre...

wanting to be perfected and shag with no inhibitions.

skin, is, purple?

toes healing. i do have my fathers feet.
not keen on dragging her around.

laid on the grass one day. staring at the grass. blue sky. hot knees.
feeding black geese, strange honking and hissing.
more beautiful than geese.

actually, i am wrong. they are black swans.

I magine the city. written 1999

2008-11-10T23:47:00.003+13:00

I would like to live in a city. a city with bright lights. trees. green hills. people: simple, complex, cyberpunks, thrift shop kids, snot nosed fashion junkies, uniforms, suits, colours, ugly, pretty, Fake... and in this city is me. in a small 2 roomed kitchen + bathroom unit apartment high up staring at thousands of other apartments and city buildings winking at me. Ive made contact with some of the other people in those apartments. we wave. hold up big pictures. ive even been able to email one of them. Behind me is one of the rooms, my room. 3x4m. a shoji screen door, aluminum slide windows (nice to sit in when i want to remind myself what suicidal feels like) a small bed under it, along one wall a stack of DIY shelves ive cramped with books and collected trinkets. my bed bed sits on another stack of shelves full of books and drawers of clothes. 2 PC monitors , minispeakers sit on my desk connected to 2 networked PC's underneath. Desk is littered with papers. water and energy bottles, special K boxes ( i really have to clean this shit out some day.) books, pens, trinkets, CD's, a keyboard, 2 mouse. shit cluttered room. strung a sting along the ceiling to hang my clothes and shoes from. I can just sit in my room cluttered with shit. My flatmate, shes a graphic designer. usually out at Uni or locked in her room. like me, has 2 computers. at least once a week we make it a habit to clean out the apartment, go shop together, and frequent at the local cafe/internet cafe/2nd hand book store. sometimes I go visit friends I haven't visited in months. Lucky bastards. they just do a bit of work every day or just bumm around. I lock myself in my room, do animation or Im at college doing more animations and planning storyboards. updating my site or do comics or, I just zone out.
leave the apartment, and walk. stare at the world. Im going to go to a yoga class someday. I leave my 7th floor apartment through the internal staring of my apartment building. it is late. the outsides of some have staircases leading down the sides. Dirty white washed walls. cold and some glowing windows, pipes veining the sides and small boxes and lights jutting out of the walls. the spaces between the buildings secret a walkway for all. the roads on the other side of the way. the whole way is webbed with a jumble of black telephone and power lines linking from apartment to apartment. at least the air is clean down here.

(Edited Nov 10 2008. I wrote this before I even lived on Hobson street. guess my imagination was pretty accurate...)

night flying. written 2000

2008-11-10T23:37:00.003+13:00

late night cafe music. enough caffine to make the sane mad and those denizens of the coffee sane.. reasonably. red light floods the scene, horizon of yellow light on the bar; dark silhouettes of couples sit around tables lit with candles and low lights.
Samarah looks up to and notices the time on an old Hawaiian clock. 10.00pm.
time to go. see the night out. But, decides to go after one more song. to calm the nerves.
sweet slow drum beats, the string sections elevating, almost like she's flying again.
the nights calling Samarah. And it was true, looking out the window she could see the moon through the withered plane trees. the first full moon of the month. and through the trees, they looked like a medical graph of the nerves in the brain. the branches forking out into nerve ends, the trunk the spinal root.
"good night for flying" she mused staring at the deep night sky.
laying her bill down on her table, she rose and left the small late night cafe. its warm and frendly atmoshpere lingering as she stepped out. the winter bite in the air, nipping away at her bared skin, reminding her to pull on her coat.

Nana. Written 2002

2008-11-10T23:11:00.002+13:00

We sit in church, an unremarkable grey sky beyond the window.
child of innocence runs her fingers down my legs.
sends sensations to my head and body that I have to brush her hands away

such a clean face. unmarked and unblemished.
we give her a piece of chocolate and make eating faces as if we were enjoying a piece of chocolate ourselves.
she runs it over her face and hold in her smal, fleshy toddler hands before taking a small bite. the chocolate is still 1&1/2 blocks left, broken and crumbling where she broke it off. it sits in her mouth and she eats it with her mouth open, like she had to breathe in between each bite.
her mouth is full of brown saliva and chocolate stained teeth. im not sure if she is enjoying it - or if she wants me to enjoy her eating it. which i am.
clear brown eyes she enjoys it when i run my fingernails up and down her face.
shutting her eyes and leaving her mouth open with an almost animal purity.
i run my nails and tickle her nose.
eyebrows, cheeks, and then her ears, which she scrunches her face up in toothy smile and holds her hands to her ears, where i return to her nose. Jan then starts tickling her chin to get her attention, offers it, and jan runs her fingers up and down her fore arms. she stops moving and watches and feels her fingers with that same animal interest, as if the sensation is new and pleasurable in some way. im curious why jan would do that to her in the first place, but she likes it. then she pushes up jan's sleeves with not much success and scratches jan's forearms, thinking maby she'd enjoy it too or its what shes supposed to do. jan flinches a little because of her tiny finger-nails.
finishing both of jan's arms she turns to me and tries to push up one of my sleeves making it only halfway up my arm. i have to help her pull it as far up. then she runs her fingers up and down my arms with a slight pressure. i can feel her small nails scratching. pulls that sleeve down and continues with pushing the other sleeve up and scratching that arm.

if she was mine then i would hold her always. i would hold her with my two strong arms and never tire. we would both stare and look at things. trying to come up with the same thoughts. i would love that child. i would bleed my heart out for her. no harm, ever. i would tear her oppressors apart.

November 10, 2008. I am still childless.

The Long Weekend in Rotorua

2008-10-27T17:35:00.006+13:00

Began on Friday at 5pm!
Kris called me about a hour prior to make sure that I had packed my bags (no but I lied :3)
didnt manage to get a lot of things done that day but so glad Kestin dropped by to see how things are.
She was good to get the tickets for me if I give her the money for it and meet us on the day so I dont have to line up.

Her baby girl came down too. its the first time ive been able to talk to her and play. She was pretty accepting of me. Kris talks about me heaps to her so I was already Aunty Re'!!
I dont even get boo from my cousins kids. Then again I dont go out to see her and them...

Made it to Rotorua after 9 and had a very shy meeting with her Dad and his partner. A bit knackered so I went to bed.... not.
Kris stayed up with her dad blasting music and yakking untill 3amish and I was about to bawl my eyes out if I couldnt sleep :( not a good start, but we made up the next day and went to her old college to watch a 'Kapa-Haka' of young kids doing maori performances. Got a quick tiki-tour then after that we went and soaked our feet in the public foot baths.
red soaked feet, natural hot water

I met her mom's family after that, got a cool Richochet bag which is now my new fave harharhar!
finally got back home late to get quickly dressed, dolled, and pissed!
We shot off to the lava bar and had a quick skull of some bloody liquer, danced like crazy!
Ahhh my lovvveee to the DJ for rocking off Kings of Leon. I have to admit I was getting a bit lonely without my KOL music, but he really made my day. There was a bunch of Rock songs starting off with RATM and every one screaming "FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!" and them going hard out with some head banging to SOAD. Then he dropped some old school disco types and every one was still dancing and singing like crazy to them.
Near the end of the night some German dudes danced with us, then we had to drop them off because it was like Shania Twain said it: "We dont need Romance, We only want to dance, We only want to have a good timme - like Oh Oh Oh!"
Kris posing for me after the bar shut down

And the last song, was Sex On Fire! Again! Like LOVE LOVE LOVE to the Lava Bar!
The next day I had a very bad neck. Plus I came down with a cold so drew some concept art for Kristy's painting, went to sleep. too bummed for socialising >_>

the next day (which is today) got up after 9pm and we got ready to leave. two and a half or so hour trip from roto and went straight for Armageddon. Im so happy, we went from one friends world right in to the others. And she actually enjoyed it!
I brought her daughter Fruits Basket. I hope they get to watch it together because it is a really good Anime for a little girl to get started on.
I now have no money and I really have to figure out what exactly the hell I did with it all. really really poor.

Mama and the Gym

2008-10-22T13:21:00.002+13:00

I felt really awful, and really about time to call my mother.
I called her yesterday before coronation street started, and she was happy to hear from me :)
i feel much better now, thanks also to every one for their support, you are a lovely bunch :3
she's not up to much. life is much the same, just shorter work hours. Good to have that mama feeling back.

I was also called by Configure Express to ask why I havent been coming in...
well. the thing is, I dont really like gyms.
I have no flippin idea why i even bothered to get a bloody membership. with all that money i have been wasting i should have brought shoes and walked!
stupid, stupid dippy me!
Today I went to see them at 11am. The assessor was nice, i was initially expecting someone quite snotty? I lied and said that I had forgotten that I had a membership.
the truth is that I dont want to go. I want to sit on my ass and watch internet TV and read manga and do the occasional job.
I have low motivation that is for sure.
I also dont want to sit on my ass all day! Im so Terrible! Gyagh!
I jogged for 20 minutes, stretched, and felt way too lost to continue on with doing anything there.
I left and read my book. it was quite hot out so I had to sit in the shade or fall over. Feeling quite light headed today? or perhaps reading "Faust. Fiction and Manga from the cutting edge of Japanese Pop Culture" is putting too much interesting facets of philosophy in my dry brain that its a little heavy for the watering?
before my money dries up, i should line myself up a new job...
one that does not make me cry at the sight of the elderly...;_;...

Day 1 of Mr Tom

2008-10-21T10:22:00.006+13:00

I got a tomato plant from mom, so walked down to foodtown to buy some pot dirt and plant food.
Ive cleaned out that back garden bit, but dont want it growing in that dirt.
Today is actually its fourth day, but I have been considering blogging my plant :)

basic guidelines for growing tomatoes (Grow-a-Tomato-Plant)
"Choose a sunny spot for. between all day sun to at least 7 hours of sun for optimum taste
water deeply, preferably in the morning or evening
after about 14 days grow up in a tomato cage or up a vine
Only eat the fruit of a tomato plant, never anything else, as tomato vines are in the highly poisonous Nightshade family
Tomatoes usually split if they are watered irregularly. Once the plants stop recieving an adequate, regular supply of water the tomatoes will begin to ripen and turn red. This makes the skin brittle. If the plant is returned to a normal watering schedule the tomatoes will split instead of enlarging"
etc etc etc

this is totally what the garden looked like before I attacked it! I have uber photoshop skillz, like Rawh!

and now looking so pretty
i want to play my tomato Kings of Leon music.
Pollination, Fertilizer, and Rock and Roll♫♪!

i made my mother cry today.

2008-10-17T22:57:00.004+13:00

that fool. that damned fool.
why cant she accept, that I will never take that bitch back.
that bitch, who unfortunately for our family line, holds the ancestral name, Your Name! And smears dirt and shame on it.

you watched us, as we grew together. we became our own, and now you can watch us fall apart.
there is nothing that her parents didn't give her, except strong boundaries.
and they still swarm to her to wipe her ass when she gets blown around in the storm she created.
Wasn't it you, who always told me to turn my back on those who do wrong?
how can you expect me to accept her as she is, when she is every thing Ive been taught to despise?
She makes her mother worry until it has affected her physically! Her father cries every time he rushes out to pick her up from her latest arrest/break-up/drug induced coma!
You don't even know the real reason why I don't have a scooter anymore. I wont tell, do you really need to worry? I wouldn't do that to you. She does it on purpose?
and for what reason? because she knows that they will clambour around to comfort her.
to help her justify her behaviour. Her Stupidity! So she will be happy to go back and do it all again.
She's Addicted to her drugs and stupidity.
she had two children. and you watched her try to raise them.
See how she malnourished them? did you hear that she used a table leg to hit her partner while he was holding her oldest? wasn't it you complaining every time we met what a bad mother she was? And now she's lost them.

Cry then. go ahead. Cry for the girl that died a long time ago.
Cry because she will never come back, and the only thing living in her skin is a demon hell bent on destruction absolute. a robot with a flawed single function that cankours on like a broken record over and over.
Quit your crying because I have rejected her. Just like she rejects us all as she takes each puff and breathes it in our face.
Do you know how much it hurts that we cant share our memories?
because when we die, that is all we are left with!

Third Time Lucky Break!!

2008-10-09T12:33:00.005+13:00

A fortnight ago I went into St Marks Surgery to get my right hand operated on again.
Apparently the plate that went into my hand back in 2005 was wearing the tendons out that were rubbing over the top of them. ick.

I first broke the 4th and 5th Metacarpal bones (ring and pinky palm bones) back in September 2000 after being very drunk, young, dumb, and hitting the fence... lol
I broke it again in May 2005 after getting super frustrated at an ex one night and laying into a rocky part of a punching bag instead of him. after that i went to Middlemore hosp where they put plates on the bone, but never did anything to get it straight. and the Anesthetist was a real BITCH. I was lying on the operating table and she stabbed the anesthetic into the bone in my wrist. I yelped and tried to say "fuck!" but only managed the ffffff and was konked out. That left a massive bruise. I really should have had her up for that!

When I was working in C.S my hand would hurt really bad after typing for long periods. So I decided to see my Doc about it who refered me to Chris Taylor working out of Greenlane/Ellerslie. Hand surgeon specialist. got some xrays to shows off :) but they didnt scan too well??

Before the surgery

3x skinny plates to hold second break

After the surgery:

one skinny, one thick to splint the pinky bone. a lot of broken pins that couldn't be removed.
The screws were so tiny that they just break. I just hope the plates dont sliver up my tendons again (I bet you are going EWW! hahah high five to myself!)

The Dream where I cant stop the car...

2008-10-06T16:07:00.003+13:00

I was watching Battle Star Galactica through our flat LAN last night and got to S2, ep 14 when Ryan unplugged his hard-drive totally canning the episode I was halfway through >:-(
I was too frustrated to wait for it to come back onto the network, so instead threw myself into bed and fell asleep with my MP3 player rocking off Kings of Leon.

I was dreaming again about driving in a car. well, I wasnt exactly driving, I just happened to be in the drivers seat. The car started to move, and I had to steer it so it doesnt crash. its not moving fast, more like moving on some sort of crazy momentum?
No matter what I try to do the brakes never seem to work, like Im not pressing it properly? it doesnt occur to me that the brakes just dont work!
I could be simply sitting in the car in a driveway or supermarket carpark and it would move?
I seem to have this kind of dream every couple of years. funny how I seem to remember it, amongst the many thousands of other random dreams that I do have.
Perhaps its when all the random dreams start to have some similar parts, that those common occurances when combined finally they are more memorable to me? Familiar. Recognisable?

I told Mom, she reckons thats there is something in my life that I dont yet have controll over.
That I better start fixing it?
But the problem is, what is it?

that I can be really pathetic and let it control me?
my laziness?
terrible string of relationships?
I am not that good at keeping friends unless they are close by?
That yes I am afraid of driving? (well not really !! o_o, i just prefer scooters or buses...)
I can never stick to one thing for a long time, i have to move up or move on? I dont know when im finished??
so much introspection I need to do :( . Maby i should do that mind map thingy..

~~~~~
EDIT:
Useless at keeping in contact with friends!
Useless!!

Paulie go Bye-Bye

2008-10-02T23:23:00.004+13:00

Head Automatica

Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby

You, you want nothing to do with me
You, you want nothing to do with me
I, I don't know what to do with you
Because you don't know what you do to me

Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Beating hearts baby
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
Your beating heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby

You, you really got your hold on me
You, you really got your hold on me
You, you got to get away from me
Because you, you want nothing to do with me

Baby, is this love for real?
Let me in your arms to feel
The beating of your heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
Baby, is this love for real?
Beating hearts baby
Let me in your arms to feel
Beating hearts baby
Your beating heart, baby
Beating hearts baby
The beating of your heart, baby

In spite of you
Even out of view
Still I love all of you
I do, yeah
In spite of you
Even out of view
Still I love all of you
I do, yeah
You want nothing to do with me
You, you want nothing to do with me

Baby, is this love for real
Let me in your arms to feel
Your beating heart, baby
The beating of your heart, baby

ok well ive just thrown in the can another wasted relationship. With yet again another blue eyed horn dog (remind me to stay far away from blue eyed dudes with saint's names). yet, im feeling pretty stupid about it?
The above song i played like crazy after michael years and years ago. and pined and cried and felt uber lost, and slept days away hiding under the covers and searching anything about his name on the internet etc etc. its still a good song outside of that event.

it happened last night. i was about to sleep dreaming of paul when he txt me... then i asked him about him paying me back. I said something wrong, he said something racist, and i blew him up and ditched him like that.
its been 24 hours since he txt that.

hmm, analysing our relationship. i really should have just said "nah its not working out" and walked away from him earlier. so many signs saying "no he's a douche bag, now say ta-ta!". ahh but being so hot blooded i tend to ignore. the next relationship if its not so good i will. just takes practice yeah.
and theres no point giving him any mind. i dont need the memories or added guilt/anger.
we are humans. like a river we can move on, or grow stagnant in a pool...

i could start singing "i am woman" or "im a survivor". but id just be a stupid cheese :)
He doesnt know about my blog... so i could expose him right here and now?
every little embarassing thing about him...
Hahaha, nope. im a lady.
"Harden the F**k up" is the quote here in NZ.

musical love

2008-10-02T22:04:00.002+13:00

im pretty much into Kings of Leon these days. a couple of weeks ago after physio I walked into Newmarket with the sole intent of buying "only by the night", the new album.
$65 dollars later I came out of the CD & DVD store with that and "because of the times".
So naughty. but I feel it was well worth it. Ive been blasting these albums and some of their earlier tracks almost every day since. Poor David is prob. getting sick of it :)
I love their songs, although I cant understand what Caleb is singing half the time and the lyrics are unto their own understanding and not so much to mine, there's a lot of passion and energy in the songs.
you can feel it in the guitars and drumming, not just in the singing.
I think I love them as much as Led Zeppelin. They're tops. Certainly beat out Foo Fighters (uwah sorry Dave!)

Soft lips are open
Knuckles are pale
Feels like you're dying
You're dying

orgasm anyone? lol :3

post date post

2008-09-21T10:00:00.000+12:00

saturday after pauls dropped me off in the morning im lost again.
i make a lazy attempt at cleaning my room out, end up shuffling things around to no avail.
still unsure where to begin so I have a shower. I always do this when I dont have anything to do. not even noticing that i am clean when finished.
Erin is drawing in CJ's room, so I join her for a couple of hours. Lunchtime passes. Erin leaves. ink a picture, start another for practice. I get bored again...
Go to my room and look for something to do. its a sunny saturday so I better go outside and lap it up.
My face is ravaged. I have to blame it on Paul's dirty pillows. or him pash rashing me. how come this embarassment is happening?
put on a face mask then go outside.
Kestin and Leigh laugh at me face and invite me over for movies at 7. done.
start to read and interrupted by Ryan and Jessie. play some music on instruments...
i must have looked uber weird!

toddle over to Kestins and watch the remainder of the matrix. decide to get high, as I no longer have a job...
and no longer have to worry much about it.
fell asleep to Escaflone the movie. really boring.

woke up, rewatched it. reconfirmed that it is fucking boring, and leave for home.
i look a mess. I feel a mess. I didnt drink much but still feel seedy.
I get home. shower, feel good.
Start to clean my room. moved the PC back to my room. it is good there.
vaccume this dusty assed house. starting to get a cold, starting to feel...

long walk is decided on and for what fucking reason I never really gave myself a solid answer. Look for a desk. No desk is actually needed.
walk as far as wendys and get a burger. its not much.
discussing with Eugene about what I should do with this relationship Im having?
figured some things out in my head and made a decision that I really need to just ask questions.
txt paul some random shit to see how he replies, see if there is any tension or short answers to show he doesnt really care much? just basic replies, nothing untoward..

now i have to try figure out what Im going to do with myself.
who i got to make calls to tomorow. what im going to do with myself when i cant use my hand. when ill tell my ma about the accident. when im gonna have words with paul about us..
if i need to have words. should i leave it as be?

dangerous driving

2008-08-20T22:25:00.002+12:00

is it me, or are the bus drivers in auckland really not caring how they drive anymore?

its almost 6.30pm and I catch a bus from new market to symonds street. now usually I find bus trips to be quite relaxing and slow. Maby not comfortable enough for me to rest my head on the vibrating wall or window ledge but fairly calm.
Lately, Ive tried to steer away from my usual quick naps due to the violent commotion that goes on when just getting from one end of the road to the next! There is a series of swerves as the bus driver deftly manouevers the bus around slow drivers and drivers parked up waiting to get into the motorway. Sudden shunting stops when the bus driver almost hits a car or quickly drops into a bus-stop either to eject out a passenger or swallow up another.
I often share with other passengers glances of sometimes despair, worry, and even a bit of excitement. I no longer can shut my eyes as I probably will be thrown from my seat, or have to look like a fool when my eyes fly open and I have to grab something or get some footing!
its like rock and roll getting on a bus here in auckland these days!

there was one time when I got on a over crowded bus. I shouldnt have gotten on but I enjoy the view when I am forced to stand next to the driver. It feels like standing on a flying carpet, swooping down mount eden road.
I almost had the opportunity to see what it looks like to a vehicle when it hits someone stupid enough to run in front of a bus... it was so close I can almost imagine it.
Well enough about accidents ive been in enough!!

hanging out

2008-08-15T21:08:00.003+12:00

long time since ive hung out in a internet cafe in the city.
The last time was when I started my deviant art account... with cameron =_=...

the chair i am sitting in may be a bit broken, and have some dodgy stains on it.... but its really comfortable! especially since my neck is really painful lately.
it slouches right back, but is kind of perfect? shapes nicely to my natural slouch :) meaning i have bad posture like a slob!!

2 nights ago I saw song online. he is my ex, and I still have feelings for him.
I dont want to get back with him at all. we dont do well as a relationship.
still, I care for him. I want to know how he is doing. if he's ok or not. or if there is anything I can do to help...

we talked for abit and caught up on MSN. he was happy that I was happy to talk to him again.
I did end the relationship myself.

I still think of him from time to time. He really is the best looking boyfriend ive ever had.
plus Im proud he's chinese :3 he has the cutest fob-chinese accent.
and i absolutely loved the way he would say no. especially in a denial kind of way.

anyhow. it was good.

I woke up early this morning, thinking that I was going to get to work early...
I woke up again at 8.30, I was already late. a txt and reminder active on my ph had stopped it from ringing out again. oh well! I planned to go to the medical center this morning to get my bandages changed anyway. I finally made it to the A&M before 10am. it was quite busy so I wasnt seen for about 30minutes. I got my hands x-rayed for comparison and analysis. as of monday those xrays belong to me :)
all up I was finished by 12.30. I took the first bus out and reached work to hand my doctors certificate. Man was I so happy that the kind nurse wrote on the certificate that I was unable to work that day!! So I ate lunch and left. got my hair cut in the city again. I dont really like the fringe...
but Peter was cutting it again. I think he has a crush or something on me.
anyhow. he has cute hongkong-fob-english.. I could listen to it all day...

Katie, CJ, and I will be watching the Dark-knight tonight.
im quite excited. those two are battling it out on WOW right now untill we get in at 11pm...
pretty bad-ass.

the only way is up

2008-08-14T21:35:00.004+12:00

while i was recovering at home for the last two weeks, I had plenty of time to do some thinking.
I really love sleeping in, I love staying up late, I love waking up too early and actually going out to greet the sun.
I love bumming around and being able to blog like this. worrying that Im not getting enough sunlight.
I love not having to deal with assholes over the phone. I love not trying to explain over and over the same tedious details.

The last blog/rant I apolgise was a release of some of my bottled up anger.
Im pretty sure im doing the right thing now, leaving before I feel really trapped there.

im thinking in different perspectives now. things are looking more positive. Ive been looking into the natcoll courses. im pretty keen on them... part time jobs are a welcome change. I even want to do cleaning!
Plus I have decided on the spare time that I will be gaining, to develop in my artistic skills again. I want to do a comic and submit it to DMC next year. my friend Kestin will be submitting one to them soon.

On tuesday I had a ... epiphony, a inspiration to go out purchase some books. after work I took the bus to the city and went into Boarders. Im not sure what I was looking for but though about how to draw manga books.
I did a mass purchase. one on how to draw manga:penning characters, Robot:super colour comic, How to Ink, crash course in comics, and The DC guide to writing comics.

Ive read through the inking guide, now reading through the writing comics guide. it is all very good.
its giving me alot of hope. If I do the natcoll certificate course I will learn abit more about how to use photoshop and how to develop some design skills.

I will likely meet more like-minded people, that will be pretty exciting.
its a fairly short course, but enough to get me started. then I may try again for Auckland University...
speaking of which. I got a letter from them today.
it says:Special Admission.

meaning I have to take one of those year long idiot courses...
i think its a course for illiterate adults...
what shame...

guess I wont be trying for july 2009 then...
and I had University Entrance.

one day I will have to call them to find out why I cant go straight into study.

Oh well. There goes my dream of studying under Manying Ip. what a jib.

...

resignation on the 13th

2008-08-13T23:31:00.003+12:00

well, ive finally done it.
ive handed in my resignation. im not sure if I have done the right thing or not?
but im sure glad. today was a good example of why I hate my job..

"ok, so you have a oil heater and you are running it for about 8hours over night... and that is just one of your 3 oil heaters. and it is 2400w, calculating this it is costing you roughly about $140 a month to run... perhaps you should use all three less if you dont agree with your $500 bill Ma'am. Im not saying that your children should freeze to death its just no one is asking you to run it for 8hours a day and even if it is on low it makes no difference its still pulling power. No Ma'am I am not lecturing you. (I am simply frustrated with having to deal with fuckwits like you ALL FUCKING DAY like you are so self righteous in your beleif that power is Free and that the bills during winter going up is just so ridiculous. the use of Heaters should be every Kiwi's right and it should be Free!) Yes Ma'am your meter has been read. monthly infact. Yes it has been used for this bill. Oh dear do you have to wait for your husband to come home and read it for you? (Poor you, you insulated and retarded back-wash of a house wife) Ok have you read the Herald they do have a very good article about heatpumps and oil heaters being the culprit of many household high bills? I am trying to help you (you just dont want me to help you)... hang up..

Yes sir we do require that you do a 7 day read to help determine first if it is an appliance that is the cause of your highbill, this will help to avoid you having to pay a call out fee if the meter is not faulty. No sir we do not just provide this as a free service. The technician needs to be paid. What you pay for in power is covering retail and network costs. ok heres my manager (you twat, Heres something free, my boot up your ass)

.... ok so you are not running any heater, you have a excessively large bill, the read is correct, and you tell me you are running a Industrial airconditioner in your home.... (you fail)

... excuse me? strangle me?

... oh we are supposed to know that you moved out of your house 3 months ago? you never called us? no we will not be closing it off to when you moved out three months ago.

Ok I ask you this question because I dont know who you are and who you are to this person. Anyone can tell me that they are this persons daughter. Its part of the privacy act for a good reason. I am trying to help, trust me. anyone else would have hung up on you by now.

...you are only running lightbulbs in this site, we have actual reads which suggest otherwise sir. can you please have another look.

No i cant tell what model kettle you are running in your kitchen (you fucking blonde) nor how long you would run it for.

I cant just press a button and the power would suddenly turn off at your house (although I fucking wish there was a Magical red button to do so you drop-kick)

Seriously, although we are in the age of many wonderful technologies... I wonder why the fuck people still think that some big companies have crystal balls, robots answering the phones, and magic red buttons... I cant beleive the amount of morons that I have had to deal with.

And some people wonder why phone queues are so long. Its because the unsung and unappreciated customer services rep has to take so much shit with even so much as a sorry or a thanks. Just a clunk or a screech when some inbred decides the truth is too much to handle or really cant do the math and hangs up.

one day I am going to write to that damned sideswipe column in the herald and I am gonna say my piece. in the plight of the lowly customer service reps around the world. I hate this job.

its really time to move on when it affects you outside of work.
To all the assholes that have pissed me off I truely hope your hair burns off your scalp.

Bitching over and out.

another accident

2008-07-30T18:56:00.004+12:00

it happened again, except abit worse than back in April.

and I would just like to first say, sorry to Lia and Moana for not telling you sooner!

secondly, if you are squemish DONT READ. some icky parts coming up.

Another week at work finally ended on Friday after 5. The University requested another document last minute in order to process my application!! as I finish early on Fridays I got my papers, jumped on my scooter and shot up khyber pass road to get there.
On the corner of Khyber pass and Park Rd at a red light I sat on my scooter at the head of the queue waiting for a green light so i can shoot and weave my way through the built up traffic trying to get up park road towards the hospital.
at the lights outside of Shell on Park Road a Black Ute held up traffic all the way back to Khyber Pass. there was no one in front of the Ute, I couldnt see why it was holding up the traffic as it was a green light. So I over took that Ute and continued down Park Road. The road ahead was clear and the opposite side was crowded with cars. Road works had narrowed the lanes together.
As I neared the exit from the Domain a gap had appeared between the jammed cars to let a Taxi get inbetween it...
Unfortunately for me, the stupid idiot pulled out in front of me.
Because the cars were so close together, we could not see each other. especially since I am just riding a moped.
in the last second I saw the nose of the taxi sharply pull in front of me. I crashed into his front left hand side, by the wheel. I have no idea what happened from there, I just remember flying over and hitting the ground. Rolling over onto my back, realising my limbs were still attached and screaming like in a bloody murder.

Suddenly there were people around me and I still screamed untill they told me to breathe...
I managed to get my breathing under control in deep heavy breaths.
I suddenly remembered my previous accident. For strange reasons, I was quite annoyed that the last one was not so bad. It was almost like a dumb accident. (dont ask, I am strange).
The sky was nice to look at. I laughed and said "Im glad the hospital is just over there!"
A few people laughed, I guess they were a little shocked to see someone just in a accident have a sense of humor.
As the pangs of pain started to clutch me again I rolled my eyes back and yelled "Son of a Bitch!"
...
The strange thing was though, I fixed my eyes on a particular man. I felt a bit terrible..

I apologized to a man who had seen the whole thing and was at my side the whole time for getting blood on his jumper. I noticed there was a bit of blood on my helmet visor. (my flatmate later found that there was no cracks or dents on my helmet)
A Doctor told me not to move my neck as I could have broken it. an ambulance arrived shortly after and carefully walked me into the Ambulance.
Mentioned was that my scooter is leaking petrol. I gave someone my keys to get my belongings out of the scooter. I thanked the man who stayed at my side. I remember him saying that I landed pretty well, if you could describe crash landings as good or bad?

after a short and bumpy ride I was wheel-chaired into the hospital. I had a pretty good sense of humor by then. Last time I was still in shock...

I was put in a temporary room on a "wheelie bed" where I was left to myself for about 15-20 minutes. I called my flatmates hoping that they could come in. I needed somebody to be there with me.
Calling my mother was the last thing i wanted. All because, she was on the 8th floor of the same hospital, recovering from surgery removing a tumor from her spine.
She had told me after every visit to please be safe, don't ride my scooter in wet weather and go straight home after visiting. She was really worried about me...
And I had meant to visit her that day, after handing in those papers and a poster into GNC for a art festival that had been held the next day.
I was pretty disappointed, so I had to text her that something had come up and I hope she's doing well.

I called CJ and Dave, they didnt answer their phones so I txt CJ to please come in. I wasnt sure if Erin had come back, so called Ryan. He was either deaf or what but I ended up screaming at him to get down to the hospital. I dont know why I started screaming at him? I blame the shock :)
About an hour later CJ called to say she's coming in. another hour later Erin and CJ arrived, they caught the bus here. I was pretty amazed at how fast the time went by. Only one doc had come in to see me. Checked out my wounds and got me to stand up. By that time I really could tell something was wrong with my left arm. It really brought a lot of pain to me and made me cry.
after my muscles relaxed abit the pain went away.

When CJ and Erin came in I still wasnt given any Ice for my bruises, and I was pretty fricken hungry! So CJ got my poster and shot off to GNC to hand it in. After that I was wheeled off to the xrays with Erin and got my left arm scanned.
The results were that I had fractured the head of the radius. So straight up and down movement was ok, just twisting will really hurt.
I got wheeled into a new room, however a nurse came in (he spluttered ;___;) and cleaned me up with Iodine before the Doc came in and REALLY poked around in the deep cut that I had over my right ankle. Poor Erin had to see that!
Then he pulled out a surgical kit, and filled a HUGE syringe up with some clear liquid.
I stared to freak out a bit and grabbed Erins hand saying "its just a candy cane! a Cherry Flavoured Candy Cane! With Watermelon flavouring too!!!!!!!!!!!"
But all he did with it was clean out the wound, make sure there was nothing inside.
Then he pulled out a smaller syringe, which he poked into the skin around the wound. That was the nummer.
With a bit of tears in my eyes I looked at Erin and said "Oh Thank goodness I think its Over!"
Eh no... He pulled out a surgery sheet with a hole large enough for my ankle and a round needle with line attached...
Boy there was no pain but having it poked into my ankle yeah I could feel that!
I tried to keep my squirming only to every thing but my right leg, and tried hard to not look at the surgery, thankful that I kept my left knee in the way. Just after that was over CJ walked in the room. She had just missed the good stuff!
She brought me food!! and I scoffed down a red bean bun like I wanted to breathe it in.
Erin had to leave, and CJ hung with me. I got another xray of my ankle, and we waited another hour for the doctor to release me.
About 2 hours to my release Ryan txt me to offer a ride home, aint no fucking way I was or will ever again get a ride from a Taxi driver!
So at about 10.30, I was released. Ryan and (red) David gave me a ride home.
And all I wanted to do by then was scrub out the bathtub and soak...
damn I couldnt put my legs in the water... my right leg was about really swollen. it was about half size bigger than my left leg and just about entirely covered in a red/purple bruise.
I have minor scrapes on my hands, but a long scrape along the front of my right leg.
There was a huge rip in my jeans with white paint smeared onto it. my tops are relativley unscathed.

its been six days since the accident now.
I really want to tell my friends, but im not sure how to go about it.
im not sure if I want them to get worried about it.

The thing I am worried about now, is what to do?
When the police officer met me in hospital he did not offer me anything, I dont even remember him saying that he will contact me again?
He did give me his contact card, and I have emailled him my scooter registration details.
I have to call Chris from city garage to come down to the tow away dudes to check out my scooter. whether it is a write off or repairable. though by petrol leaking out, i really dont think so.
I will also take the driver to a small disputes tribunal.
But I really need someone with a strong personality to come with me.
I want to call my old boarding mother, but it would just be putting her out.
I dont know who else to call though?
I have called victim support who suggested the small disputes tribunal, but im really at a loss now what to do about it..
I cant just sit back like I always do, and I have to avoid my family finding out, I dont want my mother to know.
she would just worry too much, and that would just be bad for her health.

...

pfft.

one good thing tho, i got my laptop delivered ^__^

stress

2008-07-05T18:37:00.002+12:00

mood: sad/stressed
listening to: Escaflowne - Mystic Eyes
eating: cold spagetti

over the last two weeks i have been quite stressed out.
My heart seems to be beating frantically every now and then.
I have much work to catch up on, in life and in my occupation. there are many people I have to call, and I dont like to make call outs.
This is strange, as I work in a call center... I should be ok with it?
But I'm not. Its not good you know?
If you dont do what is necessary, take responsibility, then things get worse...
such as being threatened to have your overdues sent to a collections agency...
oweing money, having bad credit ratings, oweing more money because of fines and cancellation fees...

I now have a list of 5 people to call...

Work is stressful. In that my back aches and there is sore 'crunchy' bits between my shoulder blades and on my neck/shoulders. Torrents of people calling because they are too stupid to realise that they are the cause of their high bills. complaints about not getting bills. followup's to complaints. sore eyes which are starting to loose focus.

Trying to enroll into University of Auckland, hoping with all hope to get in and live the even more stressful life of a student. the expectation that I will live in near poverty again. live in poor health and a poor diet. Struggling with keeping on top of studies. hoping to complete the workload expectations. Applying for studylink to help me out, and to juggle work and study together.

... my mother is going into hospital. sooner than expected.
She goes in tomorow, for surgery. Im not sure what to do. She wont be walking for some time after the surgery. @__@. She wont be able to live at her home, as it is all stairs. instead she will have to live on the shore with family.
I hate my cousin with a passion. I despise her and at times, her mother as well.
will likely have to move out of my flat to live with her for awhile to help out with things. such as cooking, cleaning, washing, morale?
If not, then to constantly check up on her house. public transport only.
I dont want to leave this flat.

Yes, I am selfish.
i already am susceptible to my own pathetic lows.
I wish I had someone to tell me to shut the fuck up and quit worrying like a wimp.
like my brother used to always do.
With his words I felt confident to shed those worries. with his big arms squeezing my shoulders and cuffing me on the chin i really could feel silly about my little weaknesses.
Start being more reasonable...

sometimes, so hard to smile.

I tell others to be positive. to write positive things. think positive things. do positive things.
I can hardly do it myself.

but lets try :)

1. smile, giggle, read jokes
2. go to canihasacheesburger (lol cats) :3
3. play happy music
4. talk to someone, ask them to tell you something good, happy. something good that happened to them.

I guess this really wont work, if you dont first let your feelings out.
...

(7.27pm)
Ive told CJ how I feel.
im feeling better now :)
im watching fruits basket. I feel better.
im just going stop here for now.

vodka jelly babies

2008-05-27T12:30:00.002+12:00

Bunny! hahahah

Ana Bunnies Bday!

2008-05-26T17:20:00.010+12:00

f'n fantastic weekend and I cant stop thinking of our craziness...

I got my scooter back wednesday, used it to see the surgeon on Thursday just for a quote on cost's and hung out with my brother later in the day. Hes back from Timore Lest.

Friday I shot off to town on the 7.20 bus to catch the 12 hour long "naked" bus down to wellington. it was nice to see the country side again. I really missed the manawatu and horowhenua country sides. broad lands and never ending skies, unhedged by bloody buildings and smog.

Renee picked me up and I had a bath at her place. I really liked that place, a one bedroom apartment with entrance, bathroom and kitchen. And totally Screaming LEALA LIVES HERE with the decor. Ana bunny came over later and we went out and brought some groceries to make Vodka Jellies (my new favourite!).

I crashed early on the bed and woke up in the morning with 2 girls (hahhahhaha Kestin would love to read that). Ana shot off to work and me and renee got ready for the day. She gave me the nee' tiki tour of wellington and renewed my love for it. I cant wait till im finished with Auckland, i definately want to end up in wellington.

I hadnt eaten and not wearing my glasses was giving me a headache. I got some premixers (Loud and Lola's Cosmopolitian and Mai Tai) and more groceries.

I wore in my new kneehigh boots and really starved for SOMETHING Nee took me to a Chilean restauraunt for Lunch. she had never been in there before but was recommended it.

As soon as we entered this chilean the owners eyes went straight for Nee. we saw a Frida Kahlo art book and said "this must be a sign"...

Quite Likely!

We had tortilla's, while Christian told us about Chile, the communist to capitalist changeover in the 70's, coming to new zealand, our laid back way vs their hard working ethic, ditching english study for living here in NZ, about the flag, etc etc, untill he finally came out with after his flirting assalt on Nee and asked her out.

hahaha, that was cute and funny

"all these curves and not enough break time"
oh poor Christian, nee was politely rejecting it and trying to back out. He would not let us go!
finally ended it by insisting that we had to go out and finish our shopping, persisting until he got nee's ph no. and maby, just maby she will call him later on that night to tell him where she is and that they can have a dance together...

anyway. apart from the very amusing flirt fest going on the food was pretty fantastic and so was the decor... not to mention the cute chef.

we took off but decided not to continue with shopping, went back to the flat and then got ready.
Nee convinced Claire to wear her Alice in Wonderland outfit, and Kemara to wear his old Army Uniform. Then took off to Denice's house (Ana's friend) to start our drinking and partying.
spent some considerable time in the bedroom mucking around with hair and makeup and perfume. the rest of the time just being absolute photo whores and mixing and mingling.
As the night got on we started dancing and then the "smutty" dancing before absolutely insisting that we ALL go out on the town.

we all piled out, girls changed clothes (except Nee, she had to wear the sexy safari/army uniform, I just took off the dress and wore some hotshorts)
I dont know what bar we hit but we had to go up some grand sweeping stairs. We headbanged it to the indy band that was going live. Then I lapdanced someone? girl danced, got bored and took off to a hiphop club.
more drinking and dirty dancing.

By this time Nee was with some guy, but both in the understanding that they just wanted to be friends. Which is fair enough!
We took off to another club, I have no idea where we are now. We ran into Christian there,
and lucky for Nee, she had that dude and quickly grabbed his had to avoid Christian.
Poor poor christian. He brought me a drink, and then I went to the dance floor with his friend, the Chef...

Several times I had to hide what he was doing, and slap his hands off!
...
...
several hours later, he asked me what my name was...
what could I do but laugh! that is one of the funniest things ever!
so, introductions made, we went to sleep untill he woke me at 7.30 in the morning.
I went crazy and ripped on my clothes, ran outside calling renee.

I was really lost right then. I had about 10 minutes to get on the 12 hour bus back home. I couldnt miss it. Rodrigo came out and gave me some taxi money. I dropped my phone and had to dry it in the taxi.
I never asked for his details. its best though. that is way too crazy.
I got to nee's and ran up stairs, grabbed my stuff and ran back down to get in the taxi (bastard went back down the hill)
we made it to the bus just in time.
I felt hellah gross, I really needed a shower and still smelt like smex.
Gosh that was so filthy, im so thankful that there was a shower and a half hour stop in Palmerston North!
the rest of the trip was very uncomfortable. I wish I had a pillow.
I saw a girl that was third form when I was in seventh form and we hung out for the rest of the trip to auckland.

Finally, home sweet home.
On the bus back was Kestin, David, Chris, Sam, &Mikel. so got to catch up with Kestin. Later we all went over to their new flat, its way too cool.

my crazy birthday week

2008-05-20T10:30:00.001+12:00

well, havent blogged in a while. and I have promised to blog this event.

So here goes!

A month ago, on monday the 21st I dont know why, but I got severely depressed at work.
i should not be depressed especially at work, because I got a job to NOT be depressed!!
All day I felt blue, literally. I could not get the colour blue out of my mind. I felt like watching the big blue again, with that hot scicillian diver and rosanna arquette. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095250/). I wanted to sit in a pool in a mediterranean backyard and stare at the sky through the water. I wanted to drown.
Funnily enough, as soon as I jumped on my scooter I felt super elated, like super happy. (am I bipolar?!)
Got home and I was singing my ass off!

The next day, which is when it really began, I jumped on my scooter before 9. it was drizzly but not enough to make me go on the bus.
as I was nearing Normanby road, the drizzle had lifted and I clearly thought to my self "wow, today is going to be a good day!".
I decelerated as I made my slow turn into Normanby and suddenly thought as the road came really close to my face "um i think Im a bit low...."
CRASH!
spun in a 360 with my scooter (prolly more like 180) and jumped up before I hit the curb, to end up standing there hyperventilating hoping that my bike was out of every ones way and worried more that no one would help.
Just like those bastards didnt help my brother when he came flying off his bicycle in Palmerston North.
4 People pulled over to help me and my bike and ushered me over to the office on the corner.
I was called a ambulance and my foot partially bandaged up.
In the hospital they did a xray of my foot and treated it. a junior doctor strike was happening at that time, so the seniors were earning double that day (over $500 a hour). I was interviewed by a officer (who looked familar??) and got a tetnaus shot. that didnt hurt.
embarissingly I told mom "if I had known this would happen I would have shaved my legs!"

I had the rest of the week off, played many hours of FFXII, followed by a farewell party for Miho on Thursday 24th. I got plenty wasted :), especially since it was my birthday too.

Saturday we held a combined birthday party at my flat with live music and fun times.

Sunday, I finally admitted to Ryan and CJ, that I was feeling depressed and a bit suicidal.
I really needed to tell someone. I knew that I should stop bottling all these feelings up, and I trust these two considerably much.
And they have been the best ear I have ever had.

Monday I was shot down again because of a stupid misunderstanding with Miho.
Best to just forget about her, she wasnt really a nice person anyway.
And on top of this, I get a call from my mother telling me that my scooter was still at the bloody office when i had called "a Friend" to go and pick it up on Thursday or Saturday (Friday being Anzac Day).
So I called the office and apologised to the receptionist who REALLY bitched at me. GOH i am NOT sending you a thankyou card now. FORGET IT!
so I called my "friend" THREE TIMES that day to go get the bike.
I came down to the motorcycle shop and it still was not there.
So I said to my flat mate "fuck him, we will get it."
And we did. I shouted Ryan to subway after we parked it infront of the window as a Thankyou for getting it for me...
we sat at the window, happily eating away when I mentioned. "You know, I really think my luck is turning around now. Today is going to be a good day..."
and then Ryan replied - "where is your bike?"

fuck i could NOT beleive my eyes. i even waved my hand in the area where it was....
ditching my stuff i ran down the road asking people if they had seen anyone pushing my scooter away. I was ready to rip the bastards head off when I found them. RED HANDED!
I ran around the block even.
Found nothing. I walked back and the subway guys had video footage of us at the counter, and a shaved headed guy walking up to the scooter, and walking off with it...

30 minutes later, I conceded defeat. I called the police and reported it stolen.
Ryan walked me to work, while I held onto his shirt sleeve feeling like a lost idiot...ranting and raving like I was gonna excute this punk GTA style.

I called in and advised that I was going to be late to work, and that I will really need to talk to my manager.
I got in and had a good chat with her, telling her of my loss, and depression.
we had a good talk, that was further releif. She helped me to get things organised and to make my calls.
as I walked to my desk my phone rang and it was my "friend" who was supposed to get my bike.

The conversation went as follows:
S: Hey Girl, how are You!
R: Just awesome... my bike has been stolen.
S: hahaha, what do you mean stolen
R: I mean as in some bastard stole it this morning when I had just got it out of the office
S: oh? What? are you sure, its here at the shop
R: *deadpan* what the fuck did you say. *walks over to "soundproof" phone room out of CS earshot
R: what the fuck did you just say! what the hell it was stolen off me when I had just got it out!
S: oh what? I went down this morning and picked it up like you asked me too! first thing girl!
R: Oh so you were the bold as fucking brass balls who pushed my bike away I FUCKING THOUGHT SOMEONE STOLE THE BIKE THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK UP LAST WEEK LIKE I HAD ASKED YOU TO DO BUT HAD TO CHASE YOU UP THREETIMES TO GO AND DO IT and now I am having a fucking breakdown and ballling my eyes out to my manager im depressed as hell and had to go get it myself because that receptionist was threatening to have the council tow it away and I had told you this but you still didnt get it or called me when you were having trouble so I had to get up early to get it with my flat mate and freaked out when it disappeared and NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU HAVE IT!
S: i thought they put it outside subway for me... :(
im sorry girl are you ok
R: *crying* oh thank god you have my bike ok oh man thank you
*laughing* hahaha you have my Bike! that is really good!
S: ill make it up to you :( let me buy you dinner :(

ahh. that was the gist of it. I called Ryan back after and told him about it.
"That was Mental! what a mental day!!"

damn straight. on the advice of my manager I took the rest of the day off to see the doctor about
"my head"... got some good advice and showed her the graze on my foot from the accident and was told that I must have the rest of the week off and have double antibiotics ASAP!
aka, its really bad :P

Well I had wed's and thur's off but came in on Friday (need to be paid yah?).

And that was my mental week, starting Tuesday 22nd April, finalling with a bang on Tuesday 29th of April.

And I will NEVER go out in public and think that "This is going to be a good day" ever again!

~~~

Since then, I have had my bike in for repairs. $120.00 and a check over later its fine. I just freak out a little when going around corners, its always felt a bit wobbly on the wheels.
Plus it has a new noise now like a chainsaw? But thats my Chun Li! and I still ♥ putting around on it :)

looking through patient eyes

2008-03-07T15:37:00.004+13:00

ever since I heard this song on the way to work this morning (i was Very Late) i just couldnt get it out of my head. if I had internet i would download it like ASAP!

but im feeling like I want to own their album.

I wish that songs that really inspire me, that the author wrote about it more. like kept a diary and gave reason as to why they created that beautiful piece... what was going on through their life at that time.
I would be very interested to read it...

Looking Through Patient Eyes - PM Dawn (http://www.pmdawn.net/)

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you.
I have a love for you that nothing hides.
Whatever it is I do, I'm always thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.

I've become amused. I've become blind.
I've become what I know not breathes.
You seem illiterate to all my emotions.
I stand corrected, how well you read.
You speak the truth, you speak the me.
You fell the love I have yet to find.
I know it's there, I know it's there.
But I let the sandcastles kill my mind.
Pathetic me, I long to be you.
They think I'm close but i stand so far.
The turbulent one sheds a turbulent tear.
I'm Mr. Love only 'cause they starve.
Oil and water, lust and sympathy.
I'll life and death my way through the sun.
Where originates all the pain that leaves.
My memory a traumatic sponge and sings to you.
Well define my love and attitude.
Open up your mind and it will sing to you.
You can always tell.
But I know remorse so well.
I left reality early due to the lack of love... reason.

(Chorus)
Whatever I do, I try to think about you.
I seek the sympathy and I can't lie.
Whatever it is I do, I'm always thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.
The channel, a professional liar.
How I long to contradict those vibes.
Joni help me, I think I'm falling.
It's not the love and I quest the why.

--Pete Rock Mix Only--

I have yet to conquer my behavior
In my reaction to the helpless vail.
The great addiction to possess what isn't.
Floating ships that refuse to sail.
As mercy's love to the featherless pigeon.
Searchin through life through the blurriest vission.
As mercy's love to the heartless hand.
Its candid rights as if the wrong understand.

--End Pete Rock--

I don't know, If I'm right, I'm right.
But if I'm wrong then show me I'm wrong.
The fear of pity is always awake.
But infinite sympathy completely gone.
It's the windows, the doors, the passageway to the truth.
Oh my god, it echoes the mind.
In total recall as wild as the deuce.
It's so deceiving is the clouded heart.
So superficial is the open wound.
I caress the infinite light.
That even at night.
Overshadows the moon and sings to you.
Well, define my love, that lives with you.
Even when I die, it will still sing to you.
You can always tell if remorse has done you well...
The misconstrued my answers due to the lack of love... reason.

(Chorus)

Autumns rolling in

2008-03-06T09:27:00.002+13:00

havent blogged in awhile. I have had a little bit to say...

im not going to make it into university. not in march anyway.
Im really disappointed, I really wanted to start this year off right away doing study.
now i have to wait AGAIN for one of my old schools to send a accademic record of my studies with them, and wait untill July.
4 Whole Freaking Months! Gawh!

its depressing thinking that I have to survive this job another 4 full months... it makes me tired and feel really listless.

there are a few good things I guess I could do during this time. (Prison Time)
Save loads of money
Buy Good things while I can (guess I wont be saving then ha!:P)
keep on understudying what I want to do
get into a good exercise routine
look for a good job for part-time work (or stay here for part-time?)
meditate
play shite loads of games (Fable on PC included)
travel for awhile

...

oh well, it just wont be going to Uni thats all. and I will graduate when Im 26. I SHOULD BE HAVING KIDS BY THEN!!
oh man

my maternal wants rears its ugly head lol

~

I went to foodtown in threekings last night and put up a card on the notice board saying:
FREE ENGLISH LESSONS
in exchange for teaching me chinese, or korean
friendly young adult :3

I wonder how many people will call me? it will be interesting.

lately im saying to more people shie shie (thank you in chinese). I tell them when they ask if I actually speak chinese that I only speak very little. but im learning :). and im pretty excited.

~

lately the depression of not getting into Uni right away has made me try to find the things that do make me happy.
At first I thought it was food, but then I cant really think of any food that makes me feel good. Im not really a chocolate comfort eater. Love the stuff but its more for cravings.

Some things are shopping in asian botique and finding something I really love. I brought this cute denim mini bolero. I dont know the actual name of the style but thats what it basically is?? i think :P

Then there is some food I really like. I like to go to restauraunts for it though, and the people have to put me in a good mood. I like Jajungmyon, Bi bim bap, cold Soba noodles, and good atmosphere

im really getting into my tea's again. Recently i had blood orange, could have done with a tad of honey but overall i liked it. The tea shop i went to is accross from the newmarket asian plaza, around the back of my work (which is next to BP in newmarket). I want to buy the glass tea pot and warmer set, however I wont enjoy it as much. The atmosphere in my home is not the kind of place to enjoy it, I think i will just let it sit and forget it.
Actually the atmosphere is one of laziness. Im trying to not be lazy myself but its there and drags me into it.
perhaps i need to move again? ive already been there 6 months... and knowing me I havent stayed anywhere longer than about 7 months...
...
nah the rent is too good, i dont care :P

Unni's place seems like the perfect environment. it is calm and relaxed, a good feeling there.

also, with drinks, I really enjoy a good milk tea. my fave is green bean, red bean, watermelon, rock melon, honey dew, apple.. My favourite place to have it so far is Hulu cats. One day I wish to own my own tea shop... as well as selling Dollfies but thats another blog..
I love the smell of chai tea bags when heated by the sun and fills the room. hot Cocoa with cream is warming and goes excellent with chai!

Oh and theres the Alcohol, that I will hanker for after a long week! Cant wait for Friday and a drink with my flatmates at Fox'es. my new drinking haunt :3
Typical drinks I will enjoy is a Tuaca Pinacola (best!) L&P Southern Comfort, Corona's and a dark ale. apart from that anything with soju or vodka thrown in it i'll down !

another thing that gives me comfort, is extra watermelon drops. i dont know why but I always feel good having them. they make me feel like im in my own safe space?? its weird but reminds me of plugging my headphones in while at Freelance doing animation and just me being in my space...

... out

my lovely summer

2008-02-02T21:36:00.002+13:00

working during summer has been really good.
ive been able to afford more stuff and not had to penny pinch like i was doing about this time last year ;o;
that was a pretty tough time i have to admit and would not like to go back there >_>
ive had a really good summer. its been pretty incredible!

i have to say living with Ryan CJ Erin and Sarah has been a real plus in my life. like we are really meshing well. we're all a pretty laid back bunch, and the only problems we have had is really... the fridge and dishes, and sometimes the internet being capped/hogged.

ive made a big sis - Moana. my korean Unni. Shes a pretty special person to me now. Ive begged her to be my doctor using her knowledge of acupuncture and chinese medicine. I feel like my health has been pretty much slipping off track and i dont particularly like our doctors...
I suppose it has something to do with being raised with my Grandmothers ideals. She really is into her natural remedies and frequently sent my family health books, medicine and advice.
I have more faith in natural medicines and treatments than perscriptions and drugs being thrown my way...

Moana and her flatmate invited me to dinner on Wednesday night. I got to have Jajang-myun (black bean sauce noodles with meat pieces and vegies) which is what Eun-Chae got to have in one of my favourite k-drama's "No#1 Coffee Shop - Coffee Prince"... just minus the strawberry youghurt :P

I have watched a few drama's. Ive been able to finish Hwang Jin-Yi. Man that was so terrible, it was like a crying fest. I couldnt stop! haha, and my flatmates who only joined in like one or two episodes were crying lots as well!
I rented this from FaSoYo (I forget the correct pronounciation, i beleive it starts with fat..)
the drama was completely ripped off D-addicts! and I have no idea where they got the subbing for it near the end as it was missing or really terrible!!
but im not too worried, im going to add the proper subs after. plus it beats having to wait ages to download a drama.
After that I got out Coffee Prince. I absolutely loved it!
its really made me push to get me a scooter, as soon as possible.

in reality im really chicken shit. I will take a bus anywhere or walk it. I can drive and Im not too bad at it... im just alittle afraid of driving myself :P
I would feel more safer on a scooter... somehow !!
I went to a motor-cycle shop a few weeks back to look at the scooters that they have. i walk past this shop everyday on the way to work and there is a particular guy that says hi to me all the time.
So I finally got to know him. He was really super cool and gave me heaps of info about buying etc. also gave me heaps of discounts (hahaha)
The coolest thing I found out about him was that he lived in Osaka for a few years doing motorcycle racing and drifting in the Osaka mountain roads.
That is so hellah cool!
So I made another awesome friend there.

I made a friend of Lia. when I first met her, it was because of her perfume. Vanilla from the body shop. it used to be my favourite perfume of all.
She told me that she has a friend also practicing Kendo in beginners class with us. he is very much put off when I am Motodachi, because of my smile!
LOL HAHAHAA!
i wont be doing that again, she said that he says i look too cute and really cant concentrate when he has to hit me

She invited me to her new years eve party . That night we all watched the piffy sky-tower fireworks, had a champagne, and trotted off to town. I made quick friends with Shen and Tony and after loosing them at the mexican cafe, met up again with them at Margarita's.

I was there with Shen, Tony and Kelvin getting totally drunk and dancing 5 hours straight untill we all got kicked out about 5.30 New Years Morning.
we all tottered down to the viaduct and talked about Microwaves... ??
For some reason, that felt like such a relief?
all these years of no hope and no fun on new years day, that day felt so good.
the sun shining its light on a brighter and definitely more happier new year.
since then ive been chatting to Tony (toenail) and Shen (choc) on msn quite a bit.
its so funny, we have the weirdest conversations ever.
(from a yamanba conversation I had with Shen)

Work is kind of improving. good news is tho I'm actually turning into a happier person outside of work due to how I treat people.
I always try to make a effort to answer the phone with a cheerful tone, and about 80% of the people that I talk to may have started out bitchy but become nice pretty quick... its feels a little strange but works really well.

I kept a promise too to my daughter (lol adopted because i mothered her when we lived together) that if she buys a electric guitar then I will buy me a bass.
darn it and she got one, so about $500 and a week later I have me my bass, and i fully love it.
it had no nut for the jack so had to skate off to the rockshop on K-rd for one on Friday afternoon.
went there again today to get the screws replaced because they were covered in rust.
while waiting for it to be serviced, i went to a cafe just down from the rockshops and had a really fantastic breakfast. it was about 1pm and I still had not eaten anything all day -
too bad I didnt take a photo first before I dug into it:
got my bass back and had a bit of a jam on it at home.

CJ gave me a new single bed. I sooooo super love it.
man I love having a real bed. mattresses beat futons any-day! Sleeping rocks

need a sweet escape

2008-01-10T14:42:00.000+13:00

if i could be sweet i know ive been a real bad girl
i didnt mean for you be hurt

...

I feel a bit sad after doing kendo yesterday.. I dont quite know why?
was it because I did not stick to protocol? is it because I want to hang out with them, but them not me?
I was really happy to see Hee-joo again after so long. I was covered in sweat after a real heart racing practice, and she kept on punching me! yuk
told me to stop trying to talk in korean cuz it looks real weird haha. Miene! lol
good to catch up :)

but the thing that put me down was trying to say happy new year to every one.. and no one replying?
Why? it had a weird feel to the air.
like they had said something unpleasant about me?

I dont know, but Im not so sure anymore. I love kendo, and I love the people..
but I was thinking, if it makes me feel so crap after practice. why am I going?

But then, alot of times I feel absolutely awesome!

dont know how to feel about it now.

new years

2008-01-03T17:38:00.000+13:00

I has a good nite with Lia and Moana and their friends NY's eve
lol, I love doing this =
going into a totally different crowd and blending hard-out!
I made three friends - Shen Tony and Calvin. They shouted me drinks all night and danced with me all night!
Im so crazy!
And my dollie got a name = Xiao hong-lou-bou.... Little Red Carrot :) ka-u-wai :)
I love Margaritas but I hate wearing high heels to try and dance in. It killed my feet and I hobbled around the house the next day :(
Me and Margies! I wanna be the Go-go Girl and boogie uncontrollably!
Moana said I can call her Unni which is korean for Older Sister :) that I got from Coffee Prince. My newly beloved k-drama.
I have finished it but really want to watch it again, this time with much better subtitles and no jumpy skippy parts from a damaged CD!

We were all cam-whores for the night, and the sky tower was pretty ok...
not that great but nice that everyone came out for the night and shared the love of a new beginning.
i delight in that, where everyone drops off their inhibitions and just lets go. all happy and ready to party!

I really liked the Mexican Cafe too, wow. some beautiful dancers in there it made me very happy to watch. Im gonna go as often as Lia invites me out to go!
there was this one guy there that made me dance with him. he was super drunk and spilt half my corona on the ground. >:( ! oh no... not my alcohol!
Esp when Tony got it for me!!

I was gonna go into margaritas by myself that night... sadly... But Shen Tony and Calvin came back and we all shouted for Joy! hehe

After we got kicked out of the joint at 5.30am we walked down to the viaduct and watched the dawn and sun come up. I interestedly listened to them go on about microwaves and tried to add something geeky too...
Haha, I like geeks! true @_@
it was really cool and we will do it again

Hey Mo! Lia! Awesome we are!